Hello all. I've been lurking for a few months. I won't say I'm happy to be here, but, regardless I wanted to post and share where I'm at and what my experience has been.
I've been in out of therapy most of my life, and dealt with a lot of emotional abuse as a kid. An unfortunately typical case of parents as simply providers rather than exhibiting any type of emotional support to me. My family has a long history of mental illness as well, As long as I can remember, I've been strugging with suicidal thoughts.
I've only ever been formally diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. If I was to speculate, which I have, I'm probably borderline as well with some type of schizoaffective shit in the mix.
Most of my desire to ctb comes from intense shame at some of the choices I've made in my life, an overall bleak outlook on the world that has always been present. I have extreme difficulty with interpersonal relationships. I only have maybe one relationship that is long standing and most of the rest have splintered or been ruined by me. Lots of compassion fatigue and codependency and shit like that.
Recently I'd ordered DMSO and SN but decided to cancel the order later in the day so, I'll take that as a small personal victory. Lately the feeling that pervades my day is the same kind of malaise that was present around the time of my first "attempt".
Looking forward to chopping it up with everyone.
I've been in out of therapy most of my life, and dealt with a lot of emotional abuse as a kid. An unfortunately typical case of parents as simply providers rather than exhibiting any type of emotional support to me. My family has a long history of mental illness as well, As long as I can remember, I've been strugging with suicidal thoughts.
I've only ever been formally diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. If I was to speculate, which I have, I'm probably borderline as well with some type of schizoaffective shit in the mix.
Most of my desire to ctb comes from intense shame at some of the choices I've made in my life, an overall bleak outlook on the world that has always been present. I have extreme difficulty with interpersonal relationships. I only have maybe one relationship that is long standing and most of the rest have splintered or been ruined by me. Lots of compassion fatigue and codependency and shit like that.
Recently I'd ordered DMSO and SN but decided to cancel the order later in the day so, I'll take that as a small personal victory. Lately the feeling that pervades my day is the same kind of malaise that was present around the time of my first "attempt".
Looking forward to chopping it up with everyone.
