Hi,
I am a long-time lurker and appreciate this community. Long post but please, someone read it. Please, someone respond. I am so alone.
I have been rejected by FEN because my dementia is in the early stage, not visible on mri yet (had one recently) and hard to distinguish from severe depression. I fail all the most basic dementia cognition tests, though. I also have been excluded because I was involuntarily committed for 3 weeks by my husband and son, where I was given ECT which damaged my retinas and memory and gave me serious PVD, which makes it even harder to see. I agreed to it because my husband insisted, said he would leave me if I didn't do it ( I rely on him totally financially and in all other ways because of severe disability) and said that if it didn't work as last resort, he would help me ctb. He reneged.
I now know he never intended to help. He is firmly opposed. He has decided I should think life worth living. I think he's truly crazy in denial. Just crazy in general. Terrifying that he is in charge.
My depression comes from complex, dire health problems besides dementia: I have chronic SIADH (from psychiatric drugs), incipient diabetes and kidney disease, incontinence from prolapse, other gyn issues, colon and gi problems, nerve damage from broken back, disc damage in neck, severe TMJ, broken nose, nasal valve collapse, vision and hearing loss, severe tinnitus, osteoporosis, bad arthritis (especially hips), severe muscle atrophy (from being in bed all the time).
A lot of my physical problems was caused by violent abuse. So I am in chronic pain and practically bed bound. I get up to pee and eat meals or go to the doctor. I don't get dressed. I haven't had a haircut in almost a year. This extreme sedentary situation -- I can't overcome it -- is leading to serious health problems. My heart and lungs, my bones and joints are suffering and I am in so much self-inflicted pain this way. I don't leave the house. I am making everything so much worse. I can't help it somehow.
I have severe, years-long insomnia.
I am also losing my beloved home we just moved to (husband's unilateral decision; he thought it would save me but we cannot afford it), having to move out of this beautiful area that I am originally from near family with an unsupportive (understatement) husband.
We're going broke. The move put us in serious debt. I have no health care set up out there in the middle of ugly, poor nowhere. He is older than me. When he declines more and dies? I will be homeless. I can't even use a computer anymore to fill out forms. All I have is this old phone. I can't fend for myself.
This isn't even the full list but you get the point. I need to ctb. I don't just want to ctb (have wanted for years). I need to ctb.
I would be doing VSED if it weren't for the involuntary commitment, lack of dementia diagnosis, and diagnosis of mental illness. And lack of support from family.
I have been researching nitrogen. It seems way too complex for me -- even the exit bag alone is too hard. I could possibly max out my one credit card and do a set up but I need help with the set up. I feel like you have to be an engineer practically.
I also feel like very few people actually are successful with this method. If all these bright, able-bodied people fail, how could I not?
Has anyone known anyone to actually succeed?
Just a few years ago I too was bright and able-bodied. Middle class. Psychiatric drugs, abuse, criminally inept doctors and bad luck got me here.
Does nitrogen have to be as complicated as people here make it? FEN and PPH make it look simple. But does it even work?
I was thinking of going to buy the tank and regulator tomorrow and start ordering stuff for the exit bag but I feel so defeated. Like I said, I would have to put it all on my almost-maxed-out credit card. We move in 2 months. It's not enough time.
If I hadn't been involuntarily committed, I could have bought a gun 20 min away. I would probably screw that up as I have never even held a gun but I'm so desperate I would have tried.
I have twice tried to ctb. First time I tried to drown, but SI kicked in, second time hypothermia in water in winter. I live in a very cold place. It was incredibly painful but I was determined. I think it might have worked but a guy in his truck showed up on the pond beach parking lot. I got out and said I take a New Year's dip every year. I have mild frost bite on two toes and my ears hurt so much still ( along with abuse to my ears -- dozens of hard blows to them in the past).
I had a huge stash of benzos, sleeping drugs, and other psychiatric drugs a year ago -- the criminal psychiatrist supplied me with 90 days' supply of the highest dosages of so many different drugs for the move (for example, 90 day supply of highest dose of Restoril, Belsomra, Ativan, Valium, trazodone, hydroxyzine, Seroquel and so much more. My current psychiatrist is horrified by what she had me on. I hate her so much for helping to destroy me) and combined with tons of OTC and alcohol I was going to try that.
But my husband found the stash and took it away. The pills have since degraded. I would have taken this stash happily, knowing the failure rate. I cry when I think about that stash. The thing that helped destroy me I wish could have finished the job.
My point is that I am willing to go painfully if I have to. But what's most important is that I GO. I am in utter despair, terrified and alone. I am living a terrible life and many years ahead with me raving, in pain and with no health care. I have to avoid that somehow. I will go through agony for days if I have to. What's that compared to years?
Please help me keep hope and tell me that nitrogen is not as hard as it seems and that people have actually succeeded. Help me by telling me there has to be a way.
What I would give for someone to come set it up. For that matter, what I would give for Nembutal. It is so cruel that it's not accessible.
What I would give to go back in time, and have life not have been so cruel. Rape at 17, newborn son in NICU for a month (he was put on phenobarbital for an epilepsy misdiagnosis (the irony -- how I wish I had phenobarbital for myself, and now I myself have had 12 seizures from barbaric, savage, eye- and memory-destroying ECT)), living in the middle of nowhere in a poor, horrible rural Midwestern town for 30 years, getting laid off after excellent faithful service as an educator when the budget cuts came, basal cell cancer on my nose and reconstructive surgery. Then my nose was broken and now my nose is deformed and dysfunctional. I sank into a deep depression and then the psychiatric world got hold of me.
I noticed a lot of posters have comfort that there is time and are essentially "lucky" to have time to prepare and the option to change their minds. Some still manage to have occasional moments of ok-ness. Not me. I am in hell every second. Help me.
Thank you
I am a long-time lurker and appreciate this community. Long post but please, someone read it. Please, someone respond. I am so alone.
I have been rejected by FEN because my dementia is in the early stage, not visible on mri yet (had one recently) and hard to distinguish from severe depression. I fail all the most basic dementia cognition tests, though. I also have been excluded because I was involuntarily committed for 3 weeks by my husband and son, where I was given ECT which damaged my retinas and memory and gave me serious PVD, which makes it even harder to see. I agreed to it because my husband insisted, said he would leave me if I didn't do it ( I rely on him totally financially and in all other ways because of severe disability) and said that if it didn't work as last resort, he would help me ctb. He reneged.
I now know he never intended to help. He is firmly opposed. He has decided I should think life worth living. I think he's truly crazy in denial. Just crazy in general. Terrifying that he is in charge.
My depression comes from complex, dire health problems besides dementia: I have chronic SIADH (from psychiatric drugs), incipient diabetes and kidney disease, incontinence from prolapse, other gyn issues, colon and gi problems, nerve damage from broken back, disc damage in neck, severe TMJ, broken nose, nasal valve collapse, vision and hearing loss, severe tinnitus, osteoporosis, bad arthritis (especially hips), severe muscle atrophy (from being in bed all the time).
A lot of my physical problems was caused by violent abuse. So I am in chronic pain and practically bed bound. I get up to pee and eat meals or go to the doctor. I don't get dressed. I haven't had a haircut in almost a year. This extreme sedentary situation -- I can't overcome it -- is leading to serious health problems. My heart and lungs, my bones and joints are suffering and I am in so much self-inflicted pain this way. I don't leave the house. I am making everything so much worse. I can't help it somehow.
I have severe, years-long insomnia.
I am also losing my beloved home we just moved to (husband's unilateral decision; he thought it would save me but we cannot afford it), having to move out of this beautiful area that I am originally from near family with an unsupportive (understatement) husband.
We're going broke. The move put us in serious debt. I have no health care set up out there in the middle of ugly, poor nowhere. He is older than me. When he declines more and dies? I will be homeless. I can't even use a computer anymore to fill out forms. All I have is this old phone. I can't fend for myself.
This isn't even the full list but you get the point. I need to ctb. I don't just want to ctb (have wanted for years). I need to ctb.
I would be doing VSED if it weren't for the involuntary commitment, lack of dementia diagnosis, and diagnosis of mental illness. And lack of support from family.
I have been researching nitrogen. It seems way too complex for me -- even the exit bag alone is too hard. I could possibly max out my one credit card and do a set up but I need help with the set up. I feel like you have to be an engineer practically.
I also feel like very few people actually are successful with this method. If all these bright, able-bodied people fail, how could I not?
Has anyone known anyone to actually succeed?
Just a few years ago I too was bright and able-bodied. Middle class. Psychiatric drugs, abuse, criminally inept doctors and bad luck got me here.
Does nitrogen have to be as complicated as people here make it? FEN and PPH make it look simple. But does it even work?
I was thinking of going to buy the tank and regulator tomorrow and start ordering stuff for the exit bag but I feel so defeated. Like I said, I would have to put it all on my almost-maxed-out credit card. We move in 2 months. It's not enough time.
If I hadn't been involuntarily committed, I could have bought a gun 20 min away. I would probably screw that up as I have never even held a gun but I'm so desperate I would have tried.
I have twice tried to ctb. First time I tried to drown, but SI kicked in, second time hypothermia in water in winter. I live in a very cold place. It was incredibly painful but I was determined. I think it might have worked but a guy in his truck showed up on the pond beach parking lot. I got out and said I take a New Year's dip every year. I have mild frost bite on two toes and my ears hurt so much still ( along with abuse to my ears -- dozens of hard blows to them in the past).
I had a huge stash of benzos, sleeping drugs, and other psychiatric drugs a year ago -- the criminal psychiatrist supplied me with 90 days' supply of the highest dosages of so many different drugs for the move (for example, 90 day supply of highest dose of Restoril, Belsomra, Ativan, Valium, trazodone, hydroxyzine, Seroquel and so much more. My current psychiatrist is horrified by what she had me on. I hate her so much for helping to destroy me) and combined with tons of OTC and alcohol I was going to try that.
But my husband found the stash and took it away. The pills have since degraded. I would have taken this stash happily, knowing the failure rate. I cry when I think about that stash. The thing that helped destroy me I wish could have finished the job.
My point is that I am willing to go painfully if I have to. But what's most important is that I GO. I am in utter despair, terrified and alone. I am living a terrible life and many years ahead with me raving, in pain and with no health care. I have to avoid that somehow. I will go through agony for days if I have to. What's that compared to years?
Please help me keep hope and tell me that nitrogen is not as hard as it seems and that people have actually succeeded. Help me by telling me there has to be a way.
What I would give for someone to come set it up. For that matter, what I would give for Nembutal. It is so cruel that it's not accessible.
What I would give to go back in time, and have life not have been so cruel. Rape at 17, newborn son in NICU for a month (he was put on phenobarbital for an epilepsy misdiagnosis (the irony -- how I wish I had phenobarbital for myself, and now I myself have had 12 seizures from barbaric, savage, eye- and memory-destroying ECT)), living in the middle of nowhere in a poor, horrible rural Midwestern town for 30 years, getting laid off after excellent faithful service as an educator when the budget cuts came, basal cell cancer on my nose and reconstructive surgery. Then my nose was broken and now my nose is deformed and dysfunctional. I sank into a deep depression and then the psychiatric world got hold of me.
I noticed a lot of posters have comfort that there is time and are essentially "lucky" to have time to prepare and the option to change their minds. Some still manage to have occasional moments of ok-ness. Not me. I am in hell every second. Help me.
Thank you
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