Near CBT epiphany or breakthrough?

[Cosmic dust]

Not sure if I should post about this, but well, why not...

Some weeks ago I decided that I had enough, I had waited enough and the time for CBT had come, I wrote a note, even when I always said that I would never write one because it is silly, I felt a urge to write and so I did it, I spent around 2 days writing, after that I started doing other preparations, throwing some stuff away, deleting files on my pc, even perfectly safe stuff that I had no issues with other people finding it, there was a certain symbolic thing to it that made me feel closer to the end.

The whole process took a few days, at first I was angry and sad, then after some time, I just felt empty, a sad emptyness, but in that there was no struggle anymore, no despair, nothing mattered anymore, if I made mistakes, if people hurted me, all the traumas, nothing really mattered because I was going to die, it was real, however in that mindset, that nothing really mattered, I think I finally accepted some stuff and forgave myself for some things, I wanted to explore a bit more of everything that went in these days, so I delayed the attempt and here I am.

You know these pro-life videos where some "survivor" tells how he made an impulsive attempt and then regreted it and now he is all happy and pro-life? I think it may have went through something like that. I will not make any videos though, I am no pro lifer, nothing really changed in my life, I still can't imagine my life going very far from now or ending in any other way that is not suicide, but even if some of the triggers still hurts I haven't cried since, which is a change from these past years, I feeling different somehow, more at peace, I don't know how to put it.

Anyone here with similar experiences like that? I know we have people who attempted suicide here, including some who aborted it in the last minute, I wonder if anything changed.

 

[timf]

This is not uncommon. Sometimes when making a move to act on suicide one is able to detach from all of the things bringing one down in despair and hopelessness. Sometimes the relief one feels seems to be confirmation that suicide is the right choice. However, the relief also helps give a perspective free from oppressive despair. In a way it is a little like a clean slate.

This is not to mean that one steps out of despair into a happy life. Rather, one finds that it is possible to be free (even if briefly) from an accumulation and even momentum of despair. That perception can be enough to encourage one to take increasing control and build a life that can move towards happiness.