my thoughts on living.

[coffinkisser]

I've been suicidal/depressed on and off for as long as I can remember.
I don't even know why anymore.
when I was a kid, I was heavily bullied, my parents were abusive, whether it was emotional or physical, and so it made sense then. I even had an attempt when I was 17.
I'm 21, now. I live on my own, disowned my dad, only talk to my mother like.. once a month?
I have an amazing boyfriend, one of my dream jobs, I have it ALL right now. everything I've ever wanted.
and yet, yesterday, I had a panic attack, started sobbing, talked to some sweet guy on the suicide hotline, started googling ways to die.... found this.
I told my boyfriend about my thoughts. he had no fucking idea.

why? why do I have this strong pull towards death? why am I so... discontent with my life? I don't understand. I have everything I want. I'm working towards bigger things, too.

people say they want to die when shit isn't going right. they want to kill themselves to escape the pain, right?.. I don't have any.
I'm financially okay. I'm in a loving relationship. I'm okay??? and yet...
I bought SN online.

am I going to use it? why do I want to use it? why?
I probably have like 100 undiagnosed disorders or some shit. depression can be clinical, right? in your brain? shit. I need a psychiatrist.

 

[Al_stargate]

Hi, sorry about how you're feeling. Don't make any decisions based on current emotions. If things are going well in your life, try to enjoy it. Suicide is a drastic decision. If you think talking to a therapist could help, try that avenue. You have been through emotional trauma as a kid, so when things go wrong you think of all the bad things that happened in your life, and it's understandable that you don't want to experience it again. But life is not just bad things. Things are going well for you like you say. But your brain has been programmed to be in a different state expecting things to be bad. But after a while of things going well, your brain will reprogram itself to be happy and appreciative of life. You're still very young and not emotionally mature yet. You'll think way different in a couple of years. I would suggest focusing on positive things that uplift your spirit, that give you good feeling, so to say. Honestly, I don't suggest taking pills as they will just make things worse, that's my experience. Depression pills are just for pharma to sell something, psychiatrists to prescribe to look like they're doing something, and for sick people to imagine it's doing something when it's not. If you have panic attacks something to help calm down temporarily might work. I don't suggest you try to attempt anything as you don't know what kind of circumstances or conditions you will find yourself next.

 

[Foresight]

If your parents and peers taught you the world is hostile and dark for many years it will take many years to find peace with that. At 21 you have time to investigate the better aspects of life.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

Yeah get some proper talk therapy and whatever is available. There's some repressed shit it sounds like from your childhood that's fucking with you.

The beckoning of the void is a powerful thing! There is no fear of things not being enough, because it all evens out to an equilibrium of nothing. BUT!
You have a life you like and can live before that. The void will always be there for you later on, so there's no rush.
It sounds to me like your past trauma and inner child are scared that things are going to go badly while they're so good for you.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering, it sounds like you have been through a lot. I can imagine that it must have been awful what you went through. Some people really are so cruel and it is such a horrible world we live in where people cause other people to experience so much misery. I know that this life can be unbearable when you are desperate to leave. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[sharky]

Don't do something impulsive. Clear your head and get a therapist, find out what's going on. You are scarred and hurt and that's okay. But you have things going for you in your life so it's not all that hopeless. If I were you I'd give life another chance.