im just really sad and my friend killed himself last month and i want to join him. ive wanted to join him since he got me through my attempt in 2021. and i dropped out of school and i dont love my job and i had family therapy today and i just dont think i'll ever get what i need here. I love my mom so much, and my therapist is the best ive ever had, but I dont think any of my feelings were articulated. I dont think either of them no how much I am struggling, and I guess thats my fault for not saying more.
i cant have roommates because im massively autistic but i cant live alone because i will dissociate every day and i cant live at my parents because /gestures vaguely/
i dont have anymore friends because once i admitted i was suicidal they all left (they were all white and one of them was racist) and now its like okay im staying alive for my sister and my dog but they can't keep me together for the next few months you know?
i have hobbies. i love making youtube videos. doodling keeps me occupied. but what next? with no prospects, what comes next?
I have a lot of acquaintances, a lot of acquaintances. and im so uncomfortable bringing them any closer. I opened up to one of them about my friend passing and the moment they did the "oh are you okay? how are you? what can i do?" i wanted to dig myself into a hole. I read somewhere that not knowing what you need is the scar of emotional neglect in childhood. I'm a psychology major but I don't think I'll ever see that to the end.
One of my flings asked how to support me and I said "idk send memes" and he just straight up said "No, but I just got back from italy and I can send you some pics" and I rejected that offer.
I don't want any of my acquaintances any closer.
My best friend is genuinely the light of my life, but I feel bad. Firstly, because we're never on the same page. Secondly, All I can do is get excited for the things they look forward too, cheer them on, and hope and pray they find someone better than me.
I think maybe my main issue is How Do I Get Everyone To Hate Me As Fast As Possible So I Can Dip. but The Need To Be Loved is so strong
Idk
maybe living for my little sister is really the answer. maybe i just have to see her graduate high school, and live in the dorms in college, and be by the phone if she ever needs a ride home because she got too drunk. But she's so much closer to our older sister, she would probably message her before she ever even thought about reaching out to me. And thats okay. I really love that they're close, my older sister is much more equipped to deal with it than me. I guess I just wish I were chosen #middlechild
Anyways...that's my story.
i cant have roommates because im massively autistic but i cant live alone because i will dissociate every day and i cant live at my parents because /gestures vaguely/
i dont have anymore friends because once i admitted i was suicidal they all left (they were all white and one of them was racist) and now its like okay im staying alive for my sister and my dog but they can't keep me together for the next few months you know?
i have hobbies. i love making youtube videos. doodling keeps me occupied. but what next? with no prospects, what comes next?
I have a lot of acquaintances, a lot of acquaintances. and im so uncomfortable bringing them any closer. I opened up to one of them about my friend passing and the moment they did the "oh are you okay? how are you? what can i do?" i wanted to dig myself into a hole. I read somewhere that not knowing what you need is the scar of emotional neglect in childhood. I'm a psychology major but I don't think I'll ever see that to the end.
One of my flings asked how to support me and I said "idk send memes" and he just straight up said "No, but I just got back from italy and I can send you some pics" and I rejected that offer.
I don't want any of my acquaintances any closer.
My best friend is genuinely the light of my life, but I feel bad. Firstly, because we're never on the same page. Secondly, All I can do is get excited for the things they look forward too, cheer them on, and hope and pray they find someone better than me.
I think maybe my main issue is How Do I Get Everyone To Hate Me As Fast As Possible So I Can Dip. but The Need To Be Loved is so strong
Idk
maybe living for my little sister is really the answer. maybe i just have to see her graduate high school, and live in the dorms in college, and be by the phone if she ever needs a ride home because she got too drunk. But she's so much closer to our older sister, she would probably message her before she ever even thought about reaching out to me. And thats okay. I really love that they're close, my older sister is much more equipped to deal with it than me. I guess I just wish I were chosen #middlechild
Anyways...that's my story.
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