BasqueClown
Zirkua ata heriotza
- Jun 9, 2022
- 121
My mom passed away when I was 12 and make me my teen years more despairing than usual.
She had an accident when I was 2 years old and since then she was in a wheelchair, who I push at first time when I was 6.
Six years later, for a lot of health complications, she died 23 of may, 2010. I didn't understand why she needed to bear such suffering than no medicine or no God can heal her. My grandma saw her daughter being buried instead of her and I'm still remember her gaze at the burial.
Two years later, my father married again, this time in a "missionary dating". My stepmom is an Seventh Day Adventist and he converted and baptized in that faith.
She was kinda... nice to me in the first years. But when I was 15 and she saw that her intent to convince me to be a regular church member wasn't working, she started to manipulate me - as so my father - that she scold me from listening to metal music or going without supervision with my school friends. And I'm pretty sure that she was aware of my sexuality, since I didn't show any interest in boys in general. Only I did church to shut up my family, but never accept to baptize.
But something really marked me from her.
In some way she figured my depression and suicidal thoughts, perhaps by my "gothic" phase. And in one moment that I was doing the dishes, she said this:
"I pray to God to guide you and not losing your life, even for homicide or suicide"
And I was "WTF???" and I was puzzled about what to say. I changed the topic to school and what university will be attend.
I don't know if her prayer will be attended by God, whatever he is - Althrough I'm kinda agnostic, I'm not reject the idea of a god, only reject any spirituality -, but I guess she still praying to me, specially to not take my own life since my dad knew my hospitalization and they visited me in december 2022 at psych hospital ward. Even they request to be cleared to past the christmas with them, doctors rejected that.
My dad and my stepmom still praying, but I think it will not be answered.
She had an accident when I was 2 years old and since then she was in a wheelchair, who I push at first time when I was 6.
Six years later, for a lot of health complications, she died 23 of may, 2010. I didn't understand why she needed to bear such suffering than no medicine or no God can heal her. My grandma saw her daughter being buried instead of her and I'm still remember her gaze at the burial.
Two years later, my father married again, this time in a "missionary dating". My stepmom is an Seventh Day Adventist and he converted and baptized in that faith.
She was kinda... nice to me in the first years. But when I was 15 and she saw that her intent to convince me to be a regular church member wasn't working, she started to manipulate me - as so my father - that she scold me from listening to metal music or going without supervision with my school friends. And I'm pretty sure that she was aware of my sexuality, since I didn't show any interest in boys in general. Only I did church to shut up my family, but never accept to baptize.
But something really marked me from her.
In some way she figured my depression and suicidal thoughts, perhaps by my "gothic" phase. And in one moment that I was doing the dishes, she said this:
"I pray to God to guide you and not losing your life, even for homicide or suicide"
And I was "WTF???" and I was puzzled about what to say. I changed the topic to school and what university will be attend.
I don't know if her prayer will be attended by God, whatever he is - Althrough I'm kinda agnostic, I'm not reject the idea of a god, only reject any spirituality -, but I guess she still praying to me, specially to not take my own life since my dad knew my hospitalization and they visited me in december 2022 at psych hospital ward. Even they request to be cleared to past the christmas with them, doctors rejected that.
My dad and my stepmom still praying, but I think it will not be answered.
