My (shortened) pathetic story

[BluesRunTheGame]

I was doing my paper round as a teenager, getting into rock music, listening to it on my Walkman. But still I couldn't shake the bad thoughts. And I had nowhere to turn. I was a good kid and got my £16 a week (slave labour alert but whatever) for my troubles.

But the bad thoughts? Man, they were intrusive, they were anti-everything I believed in/wanted.

It wasn't till I was 18 and I had a decent internet connection I realised it was OCD. This got diagnosed by a psychiatrist not long after.

But depression had already set in - partly because of my mental illness - partly cos I kept getting rejected by girls (and still do to this day, at 35 years old).

So I got on Prozac but then I got on a real drug, that is, booze.

I did weed, ecstasy, cocaine, speed, shrooms but all I ended up with was an alcohol problem.

Eventually I got a degree.

I stayed in my university party town and became a bartender.

Got fucked up for another ten years, and got to really know ANXIETY.

Then lost my job and my house and hit depression HARD and had the WORST YEAR OF MY LIFE IN 2019.

Had to go to detox and dozens of AA meetings.

And then Covid 2020 happened.

And I found myself in a halfway house.

In the same city I graduated from the uni a decade earlier.

I got to perusing SS and researched Beachy Head and bought SN while it was available on the arts & crafts site.

Now these lockdowns kind of help me feel less like a fuck-up.

 

[Meditation guide]

I'm sorry life has been hard for you. I understand.

I like your profile pic btw.

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

Sorry I called you a vampire.

 

[Meditation guide]

Sorry I called you a vampire.

I'm pretty nice and sensitive and yes I do want to die, and I'm here for information. I'm probably not the best at expressing sentiment because I'm shy. Anyway I hope you don't hate me like you sounded like. It's pretty painful, what you said. We are all here due to pain and don't need to get it from others here. I wanted to tell you I liked your profile pic a long time ago actually.

This: : "The way you are so cold on all those goodbye threads, just thinking about yourself. It's kind of brutal."
If you really think this, it may be my shyness. it's never seen as shyness, but I'm awkward at sentiment and don't know what to say. ok?