Story My Personal Thread: My suicide and legacy

[Lucifer’s Son]

I am not attempting today, and I don't plan to until I can take a trip to NYC in a couple of weeks. (My most favorite place in the world.) Right now, this thread and OP is just a skeleton for me to build on up until then. Over time, I'll write about my reasoning for suicide and other thoughts, along with my method. I'll update this introduction once that night comes.

I will be using B&M SN.

For this first initial post, here's what I have to say:

I am a 31 year old trans man. I have about 6 suicide attempts under my belt, and this will be my most serious in terms of lethality chance.

First off- Being trans sucks ass. This body is like a clown costume I didn't consent to wearing. It's completely wrong. Where is my penis? Why do I have these child-bearing hips? It's not me. This body is not me, it does not match who I am inside. My dysphoria is severe and honestly not fully relieved through transition. A penis transplant might be possible in the future, but I don't want to have to potentially wait until I'm too old for a major surgery like that, if it even arrives in my lifetime at all. And I don't want to have to keep living with this dysphoria. Oh, and all the transphobia ain't that fun either.

I was also *severely* abused. It was frankly worse than what most people in the West have been through. My mother kidnapped me at the age of three (that alone involved trauma such as identity confusion from her giving me another name to go by, and having to hide from the police and believing they would kill my mother and and I) for a year, and we ended up with a cult-like group that sex trafficked me, used me in CSAM, and did other things that I don't want to get into. But those things were very bad. My mom married one of those men, and he began sexually abusing me again around the age of 12. My mom was also insane in general, and she emotionally and spiritually abused me. There was also a lot of divorce drama between her and my dad. As a result of everything, I developed polyfragmented DID and ptsd.

I am a very spiritual person, and I believe our current lives are not all there is. I believe that once this body dies, I'll be able to reincarnate into another one, and another set of circumstances, that matches who I really am. I will admit that messing up that possibility is the one thing that makes me hesitant about ctb, that ragequitting might disqualify for me. But I have reasons for believing that there still is hope even if I do.

So, this is me and why I'm doing what I am.
My dad is an incredible man. I'm so sorry that bitch ruined my life to the extent that I want to escape and leave him with my sudden and traumatic death.

 

[RawRX3]

I don't know words for this but I see you for what it's worth <3

Being trans is really hard, and dysphoria is one of the reasons I'm regularly reminded of how un-me I am and how seemingly impossible it is to change that for myself even a little; on top of the rest of *waves at everything*

support <3

 

[Lucifer’s Son]

I've decided to go inpatient tomorrow morning as a last ditch effort before I attempt. I will likely be offline between one to two weeks. I really hope I can actually get help this time around.

 

[RawRX3]

Hoping the best for you so manys >w<

bee leaf <3

 

[Lucifer’s Son]

Change of plan, the only good hospital in the area doesn't take my new insurance. Oh well, can't say I didn't try lol. Back to goal of attempting after my trip to nyc.

 

[RawRX3]

Change of plan, the only good hospital in the area doesn't take my new insurance. Oh well, can't say I didn't try lol. Back to goal of attempting after my trip to nyc.

Idk if there much I can do to help but if you ever wanna chat about things I'd be happy to do that <3

I'm sorry for the shitty insurance issues you're running into, I hate that so much T_T

No obligation or expectation, of course!

 

[Lucifer’s Son]

I really want to attempt tomorrow night, but I'm trying to hold on long enough to go on my trip.

 

[sadlittlekitten]

I see you and hear you. Insurance is so fucking dumb, and so are all these stupid fucking transphobes and homophobes. Dysphoria is fucking awful. However you proceed in your path, I wish you peace.

 

[Lucifer’s Son]

I think I *will* go for it tomorrow night. I feel ready for it.

 

[RawRX3]

I think I *will* go for it tomorrow night. I feel ready for it.

I'm not really an artist so sorry about that but I made this for you <3
You don't have to like it or anything like that, I just wanted to care for you the only way I could

 

[nayomi]

Don't you believe in a higher self that brought us here and gave us everything we need to learn our lessons here?

 

[Lucifer’s Son]

I'm not really an artist so sorry about that but I made this for you <3
You don't have to like it or anything like that, I just wanted to care for you the only way I could

View attachment 205314

Thank you so much, I love it!!

Don't you believe in a higher self that brought us here and gave us everything we need to learn our lessons here?

I'm a polytheist, so I don't necessarily believe there's "one" higher deity, and if there is they're sort of in the background, like with the Monad in Gnosticism. I do see your bigger point though, and I just figure that if whoever made my life what it is didn't want to kill myself, they shouldn't have knowingly put me in these circumstances. And besides, if someone out there really wants to me to survive, then I will.

 

[RawRX3]

Thank you so much, I love it!!

I'm so happy you like it <3

 

[Lucifer’s Son]

I took a sip of salty water to see what the experience will be like. I know the actual attempt will be different, but it truly was not that bad in my opinion. In fact, it actually tasted good in a weird way. I think I'll be ok tonight. I'm getting myself psychologically ready and mostly fasting beyond a few bites of food at meals.

 

[RawRX3]

support <3

Will be here if you need someone, if not then I hope you find peace

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Did you make it to NYC? How are you feeling?

 

[Lucifer’s Son]

Did you make it to NYC? How are you feeling?

No, I get paid in about a week and I honestly want to take advantage of my SI being so low. I'm a bit nervous, but mostly good.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

No, I get paid in about a week and I honestly want to take advantage of my SI being so low. I'm a bit nervous, but mostly good.

Ok, that's understandable. I'll keep an eye on your thread & I will be wishing you freedom & peace, whatever that means to you.

 

[ZwartHartje]

I am not attempting today, and I don't plan to until I can take a trip to NYC in a couple of weeks. (My most favorite place in the world.) Right now, this thread and OP is just a skeleton for me to build on up until then. Over time, I'll write about my reasoning for suicide and other thoughts, along with my method. I'll update this introduction once that night comes.

I will be using B&M SN.

For this first initial post, here's what I have to say:

I am a 31 year old trans man. I have about 6 suicide attempts under my belt, and this will be my most serious in terms of lethality chance.

First off- Being trans sucks ass. This body is like a clown costume I didn't consent to wearing. It's completely wrong. Where is my penis? Why do I have these child-bearing hips? It's not me. This body is not me, it does not match who I am inside. My dysphoria is severe and honestly not fully relieved through transition. A penis transplant might be possible in the future, but I don't want to have to potentially wait until I'm too old for a major surgery like that, if it even arrives in my lifetime at all. And I don't want to have to keep living with this dysphoria. Oh, and all the transphobia ain't that fun either.

I was also *severely* abused. It was frankly worse than what most people in the West have been through. My mother kidnapped me at the age of three (that alone involved trauma such as identity confusion from her giving me another name to go by, and having to hide from the police and believing they would kill my mother and and I) for a year, and we ended up with a cult-like group that sex trafficked me, used me in CSAM, and did other things that I don't want to get into. But those things were very bad. My mom married one of those men, and he began sexually abusing me again around the age of 12. My mom was also insane in general, and she emotionally and spiritually abused me. There was also a lot of divorce drama between her and my dad. As a result of everything, I developed polyfragmented DID and ptsd.

I am a very spiritual person, and I believe our current lives are not all there is. I believe that once this body dies, I'll be able to reincarnate into another one, and another set of circumstances, that matches who I really am. I will admit that messing up that possibility is the one thing that makes me hesitant about ctb, that ragequitting might disqualify for me. But I have reasons for believing that there still is hope even if I do.

So, this is me and why I'm doing what I am.
My dad is an incredible man. I'm so sorry that bitch ruined my life to the extent that I want to escape and leave him with my sudden and traumatic death.

So sorry about your very traumatic past and childhood. Mine sure wasn't happy either, but at least nothing of this extent, I only once came pretty close to getting raped but was able to escape it.
I'm somewhat gender-nonconforming and lived as a trans man myself for only a few years of my teenage. I do still take testosterone as I always wanted to be physically strong and athletic, and I have achieved a bodybuilder look even though I've long since switched to calisthenics and outdoor workout.
That said - no, of course your body isn't you. I've always felt my body is something that I'm trapped in, and that hasn't changed even now that my body has changed in the way I wanted, the best way achievable with a human body - but still it's a *human* body. I've never liked the human form at all. To me personally, reincarnation would be the very worst that could happen after I die, and worst of all in a human body.

Well, certain people believe that suicide makes it more likely, not less, that you'll have to reincarnate and "start over" again. Fortunately though, most believe that reincarnation is a choice that can't happen without your consent. Even those who are convinced of the soul trap theory say that those archon beings have to trick you into giving your consent, since they don't have the power to force you to reincarnate against your will.

So well, I'm agnostic about it since no one knows for sure what awaits, but I'm generally very spiritual too, although in a dark way. That's why I found your chosen user name intriguing, since I've always felt a strong connection to Lucifer myself. I've always hated the tyrant god of the monotheistic religions and seen Lucifer as the one who stands for freedom. I do believe that consciousness is fundamental and I'm very much interested in NDE accounts. What are your thoughts and belief in this regard, especially about Lucifer?

 

[Lucifer’s Son]

So sorry about your very traumatic past and childhood. Mine sure wasn't happy either, but at least nothing of this extent, I only once came pretty close to getting raped but was able to escape it.
I'm somewhat gender-nonconforming and lived as a trans man myself for only a few years of my teenage. I do still take testosterone as I always wanted to be physically strong and athletic, and I have achieved a bodybuilder look even though I've long since switched to calisthenics and outdoor workout.
That said - no, of course your body isn't you. I've always felt my body is something that I'm trapped in, and that hasn't changed even now that my body has changed in the way I wanted, the best way achievable with a human body - but still it's a *human* body. I've never liked the human form at all. To me personally, reincarnation would be the very worst that could happen after I die, and worst of all in a human body.

Well, certain people believe that suicide makes it more likely, not less, that you'll have to reincarnate and "start over" again. Fortunately though, most believe that reincarnation is a choice that can't happen without your consent. Even those who are convinced of the soul trap theory say that those archon beings have to trick you into giving your consent, since they don't have the power to force you to reincarnate against your will.

So well, I'm agnostic about it since no one knows for sure what awaits, but I'm generally very spiritual too, although in a dark way. That's why I found your chosen user name intriguing, since I've always felt a strong connection to Lucifer myself. I've always hated the tyrant god of the monotheistic religions and seen Lucifer as the one who stands for freedom. I do believe that consciousness is fundamental and I'm very much interested in NDE accounts. What are your thoughts and belief in this regard, especially about Lucifer?

Thank you. And I think NDEs are interesting, and sort of show that you have some control over where you go after you die. Christians see Christian things because that's how they're aligned, and atheists just experience nothingness because that's what they believe comes after death. I really do believe I'll be able to reincarnate into the life I want, just because I want to have that experience. I'm ok with some other afterlife plane after that.

Lucifer is an old spirit who values knowledge. If I'm being honest, I've never been able to connect very strongly with him, but he gives off an air of maturity and compassion, while still not being afraid to discipline. Even though I've never had super profound experiences with him, I'm still loyal to him and believes he wants the best for me.

 

[RawRX3]

Thank you. And I think NDEs are interesting, and sort of show that you have some control over where you go after you die. Christians see Christian things because that's how they're aligned, and atheists just experience nothingness because that's what they believe comes after death. I really do believe I'll be able to reincarnate into the life I want, just because I want to have that experience. I'm ok with some other afterlife plane after that.

Lucifer is an old spirit who values knowledge. If I'm being honest, I've never been able to connect very strongly with him, but he gives off an air of maturity and compassion, while still not being afraid to discipline. Even though I've never had super profound experiences with him, I'm still loyal to him and believes he wants the best for me.

Idk if it works this way but i hope that for you too so much

Ill wish for as much as possible

 

[Lucifer’s Son]

I really appreciate this place for allowing me to discuss my plan openly.

 

[ZwartHartje]

I can relate to it when people report how in their NDE they felt the burden of having a body fall away, and they saw many more colors that we can't see with physical eyes, and even had 360 degree vision and all - the "filter" of the physical brain falling away. It feels almost like some forgotten memory of what existence should be like.
And most of all I hope that my loved ones await me on the other side.

I've never been able to actually "connect" like some others apparently can, who have mediumistic abilities to communicate with deities and spirits. But I've always felt drawn to the dark side, even since childhood. I'm loyal to Lucifer too.
I hope you'll achieve that reincarnation you desire, and that we all will achieve what we aspire to on the Other Side.

 

[Lucifer’s Son]

I will be partaking of my sn in about an hour.

 

[Lucifer’s Son]

I couldn't do it. I don't have any of the vomiting meds. I took a few sips and immediately threw it all up. I'm so upset. I don't have access to any other good methods. I just want to die.

 

[RawRX3]

I'm sorry you're still suffering ;_;

Support >_<