Venting My partner of 8 years has gone dead silent on me

[DeathJester]

And I think thats pretty much it for me. Every morning a increasingly more dreadful void consumes me. Over the day I can't do anything but self-medicate with awful amounts of booze. Every evening a feeling of dread and panic occurs that I have never gone through before.

No, I wasn't easy and there were many things that I fucked up in my opinion. Sometimes probably because I feared what could come, or what came now. My fear proved to be right and it's so much worse than I ever imagined. Him coming into my life genuinely saved it in 2018. He made me the man I am today. Most good and happy things aren't accesible because they will ultimately remind me of him and how there is only silence where this most impactful connection brought hope.

I don't know how to go on with that. If I felt at least neutral about things, it might work out, but every ten seconds to ten minutes a new wave of pain washes over me, and it's getting impossible to get by the days.
I will most likely leave this world on a special day in october, if I can even make it till then. Not sure about the method but I am not too worried about physical pain anymore. I deserve that.

 

[lightningwallcloud]

Hey, one of the reasons I'm planning to CTB is from losing a long term partner after having completely changed my life (moved countries and quit a job I miss) and made irreversible sacrifices for them. Also found out about sickening lies and horrible things they had been doing the entire time while I was working my ass off. Someone throwing you away like garbage after many years without a single care for what it does to you really shows you some awful things about this world. I'm sorry you were abandoned like that - know there are others out there experiencing similar pain.