My own recovery diary

[wantingdignity]

April 23

I found out recently that on the day that I was at the top of a seven story hospital garage looking down, my grandma was having a procedure done one building away. Her ride (my aunt) likely had her car below me. My younger brother's girlfriend was also working in the ER, about to graduate with her nursing degree.

I feel grossed out by this. I feel repulsed and angry. I just wanted to die! My time felt like it had run out. Everything was too painful. A big part of me wishes that I had just done it. I don't think I have the stomach to do that now. Suicidal thoughts scare me now, but I am also equally (or more, at times) afraid of recovering.

I can't afford my rent this month. I'm in an outpatient program, but they are now recommending me for residential treatment since my recovery is so slow. I had been getting better before having to go inpatient because my partner decided that me being suicidal was too much. Inpatient made my anxiety so much worse. I would still recommend it if you're in an emergency situation, but this particular location was awful. I went to the roof of the garage shortly after discharging. I've been committed to showing up to day treatment, but it is very slow.

I'm resentful that I "have to" get better. I'm told that I need to gradually change that to "get to" get better. For now, I'm resentful that I have to get better only to deal with the loss, the grief, the trauma, the hopelessness, and the responsibility to get better. I'm angry that I have to live so I don't hurt people. I'm angry that my partner, one of the people I didn't want to hurt, doesn't even want me anymore. I'm angry that I'm now looking back at that relationship and recognizing the abuse and the fact that didn't really love me for a while now.

I don't know who I am anymore. I clearly have not respected myself for a while. I want my pride and dignity back. I'm wrestling with how I made excuses for him violating my sexual boundaries. I'm wrestling with PTSD and not being able to work at the moment and not being able to take care of others or myself.

Any kind words would be appreciated I'm going to update this occasionally.

 

[wantingdignity]

April 24

I'm really anxious today. I have no idea what my new normal will be. This is not the life I wanted. I'm still staying alive for other people, but there's more acceptance than resentment for that today.

I'm really nervous with my discharge date from outpatient coming up. I do not feel ready. I feel fragile. I don't feel like me. I feel like I might revert right back when my days are empty again. I don't like feeling this fragile. I'm normally strong, highly independent, adventurous, and not this resentful and bitter person. I feel like a newborn - violently pushed out of my relationship, my job, and my relationships with people that have passed this year - and born again into the tiny baby blue walls of a psych ward. I did not ask for this rebirth. I did not want it.

How do I build a new life out of all of these broken pieces? What the fuck am I supposed to do with all of the blank time that I'm about to have?

 

[getoutgirl]

I'm really sorry you are feeling that way today. You have gone through a lot, and you know you have a lot more ahead. I'm sure it feels like an emotional avalanche and overwhelming. It's only normal really. I'm also sorry you were put through that and that you have to deal with it now. It's a lot of effort you are putting in. I hope you can slowly realize that, that you can get back to the person you were and, though it won't be easy, that the path to that will start to clear on the way. Until then I'm glad you are making these if it helps you just a little. Lots of hugs <333

 

[wantingdignity]

April 25

I was supposed to die today.

One month ago, I decided to. I was two weeks into an IOP program and finally starting to gradually improve when my partner of 8 years told me three things:

1) He wanted to break up for a year
2) He knew with absolutely clarity that I was not his person
And
3) That it was because I was suicidal and he couldn't handle it.

I decided if things did not get better, I would give myself permission to die. I had already wanted to before this.

I started to attempt and went inpatient. Then back outpatient.

I'm still a complete mess, but I know now that I won't do it today.

I still don't have any confident reasons not to, other than not hurting other people.

I'm learning that I deserve self respect, and how long I starved myself of that. Things are feeling slightly less acutely awful.

I won't be dying today. I want to self harm. I'm going to try caring for myself today instead. Things hurt a lot.

I went by the food bank finally. The stress of an empty cabinet is slowly melting away. Maybe I can slowly get better.

 

[wantingdignity]

April 26

My roommate is out of town and I am home alone, overnight, for the first time since nearly killing myself.

I am not in danger, but I wish I was. I have been feeling the urge to self harm all day. Yesterday had once been my chosen death date. I kinda wish it actually had been.

It hasn't been a bad day. I cooked a lot today. Going to the food bank yesterday made things so much better. I still don't have enough money for rent. I'm really anxious about it. I also have an insurance bill due Monday that I can't pay. My full stomach has been helping my mood.

I'm lonely and nervous about sleeping in an empty house. There's a 50/50 chance that I might have to call the hotline or a friend at some point to prevent spiraling or hurting myself again. I feel like once you've done it before, the drawl to do it again or do it worse lurks behind you like a shadow.

I have issues feeling safe. Suicide felt like safety. I teter now between still feeling that way and being terrified of what I could do. But it feels safer for me to hurt me than for someone else to do it at an unpredictable time.

 

[wantingdignity]

April 27

I successfully completed a weekend alone without hurting myself!

I feel like the feelings got a lot smaller. It's like a creature finally giving up and then walking away. I was so exhausted that I rested. There was no guilt. There was some sadness, but no spiral. Maybe the creature will be gone for a while now. Maybe it won't be as difficult to fight off if it comes back.

Speaking of coming back, my ex texted me this morning. I have already blocked his number, his Instagram, and his Facebook. He messaged this morning from a gamer Instagram account that he made years ago and abandoned. He wanted to talk. I blocked him instantly and changed my profile settings to private. He forfeited his access to my life. He does not get to hurt me, abandon me when it was my turn to have a need, and then just message me out of the blue. He knew he was blocked everywhere else. Was that not fucking clear enough?

I'm proud of myself. I'm really tired. Maybe I'll finally get some real rest.

I still have a ways to go, but this was a lot of progress.

 

[wantingdignity]

April 28

I had a good morning, but it completely crashed down when my ex sent me four poems about being sad about our breakup. I responded back instantly, saying "Please stop contacting me. It was your decision to break up with me. I am not okay. This was your choice and you did not have to do it."

Then I spent hours on the phone with my disability insurance. I can't afford rent and I'm still waiting for payment.

I felt it again. I wanted to hurt myself badly. I questioned why I didn't jump when I had the chance.

I ate some of the ego french toast sticks that I got from the food bank. I have a bunch of "real" food now too that I will put together for dinner.

Fuck my ex. I stuck with him when he was unemployed, not getting mental health for an eating disorder, punching holes in walls, and barely putting any work in the relationship. He leaves me because he can't handle me being suicidal after multiple people at my job were violently killed? I stuck with him when we was sorry about violating my sexual boundaries and my consent. All of this, and he wrote poems about being sad that I wasn't there with him. He could have had me if he didn't dump me. He could have even gotten me back. He didn't.

I cried for a long time. I didn't hurt myself.

 

[getoutgirl]

Hey I got a poem for your ex
it goes

Fuck
You ~

you can share it with him at some point if u want or if he keeps texting :)

Also so glad to hear you managed to not hurt yourself today, those thoughts will come back but I know you Got this <3333

 

[wantingdignity]

April 29

Today is a little rough. My ex writing me yesterday really fucked with me. I also got an email saying that I owe $600 in insurance premiums from being out on disability. I still cannot afford my rent that's due tomorrow, even though I was finally, after hours on the phone, able to confirm that my disability payment was coming.

How am I supposed to rebuild without my partner, with hardly any money, with grieving multiple deaths, with the world sucking so much, and with still dealing with trauma?

I have reinvented myself before. I have caught some glimpses of what I could do now, once I'm better. It just seems impossible at the moment.

I really wish we could all take turns cleaning each other's rooms. Rebuilding your own life is so hard. It's much easier to help someone else.

 

[wantingdignity]

April 30

I started this month in a mental hospital. I'm ending it with a graduation date in sight for outpatient. I had planned to be dead by now. I miss that finality, but I'm starting to get curious about the future.

Someone in outpatient today called what happened to me sexual assault. While it is technically accurate to what my ex did to me, it's hard to label it as that. I couldn't label it as that while we were still together. If I did, that meant that I would have to leave him in order to maintain my values and self respect. Since I didn't label it, it could remain as just an incident. I wish I could have accepted it then. Him being the one to dump me when I was actively suicidal a year out from "the incident" was a huge loss and a big blow to my self esteem. I neglected my self worth and self respect for him, and he didn't value me enough to stay when I believed my life wasn't worth living.

How do I re-establish a sense of safety? I have witnessed a lot of violence in the span of a year. I just want to be safe and comfortable since it looks like I'm sticking around for a while

 

[wantingdignity]

May 1

I feel like I have finally started to genuinely rest. The kind of rest that is not just sleeping or bed rotting, but my body genuinely feeling sleepy and my brain agreeing to let it rest awhile.

Even though I'm heartbroken, I am realizing now that I no longer have that never ending fear that I will be abandoned by my partner. My life bent around wanting to make sure he didn't leave me for so long. He's gone now. My worst fears were true, but he can't hurt me anymore. Soon, he won't have power over my mind either. He will not punch holes in my walls, yell at me, violence my consent, go hot and cold, or take over my time ever again. I hate that the good things are gone and that I feel lonely, but I'm starting to feel relieved too.

I really want to go back to work. I don't feel ready, but I will lose my insurance if I don't soon. I'm terrified. I haven't even processed the work trauma since so much happened after an accident killed several of my coworkers and a lot of other people. There is a part of me that never wants to go back. I really like my job though. It became a part of my identity that I now really miss. I miss my coworkers. I miss my life. I'm scared that I won't be able to handle returning to work. When I think about the actual job, I miss it so much. But I keep thinking about the accident. I imagine how painful it must have been. I wonder how fast or slow death came. I wonder what would have happened if I did not have those two coincidences that made me not be the one that was there. I still wish it was me instead. There are kids that are growing up without a mother now while I am just fumbling through life while wanting to die.

I have less than two weeks to decide if I stay at work or actually completely start over. I cannot afford rent. My disability payment is coming, but it is late.

It is so crazy to me that this is how my life is going now. I was crazy on top of things at the beginning of the year. I was able to handle things fairly reasonably, all things considered. This accident, and everything afterwards, really broke my brain for a little while. I feel like I'm going through mental physical therapy to bring it back.

Actual resting is a good step.

 

[wantingdignity]

May 2

Period pain took over my whole day.

I have PCOS, so my periods are very irregular. I woke up this morning feeling like I was being stabbed. I'm on a lot of pain meds and have been napping the whole day. I'm grateful for my roommate buying me take out last night and being able to eat the left overs today.

I'm also having a lot of gi issues after being constipated from high anxiety.

This is a very TMI entry today, but my existence today is split between my bed, the shower, the toilet, and the couch.

It's like a pendulum. I will go months without a period, then I'll have multiple a month. I'm in a spot right now where I'm having them somewhat regularly. The last one was much less painful.

How am I not suicidal today? I am at least pleasantly surprised by that. If anyone knows how to remove and sell a uterus, let me know

 

[wantingdignity]

May 3



I watched a TV show today where a character attempts suicide. Their partner comes to them in a hospital and says that they wished that they had known. They promise to be there for them and reassure them that they are loved.



My body had an intense reaction. Longing and yearning for that kind of love. I thought I had it. Why did my partner have the exact opposite reaction? Anger and neglect and then abandonment. I didn't ask him for anything other than support as I went to get help.



It hurts so much. Losing him made things so much worse. It felt like my life did not matter. It felt like confirmation that my worst fears were real. My hopes and dreams were ripped away. I was suddenly alone. Unlovable, at least to the one I entrusted for 8 years.



My worst nightmare happened. I almost killed myself. I stood on the roof and looked down. I had a note. I closed my eyes while driving there just in case.



I'm alive now with sanity slowly returning. The nightmare happened. The worst is over. I'm still standing. I'm really hurt, but am still here.

 

[wantingdignity]

May 4

I feel really, really lonely today. I know my period is making it worse, but I am spiraling today.

The only person I want to talk to is my ex. My house is a mess. My roommate is being kind, but I know she will reach her tolerance limit soon. She's bought me food and knows that my part of the rent will be paid late and that I will have to pay a late fee.

I feel myself through others' eyes today. I feel like all of my flaws are on display. I feel really unlovable. I wasted so much emotional energy on my ex. He spent months convincing me to forgive him only to leave me when I needed him.

I want to spiral today. I want to binge drink. I want to hurt myself. I want to go back to the roof just to see how it would feel.

I'm not going to. I will hopefully clean today.

 

[Redacted24]

I've been drinking excessively today too! How about that!
Sending you some (a little alocholically induced) support and kindness your way.
R

 

[ForsakenEcho]

I also felt pretty alone for most of the day. Luckily, reading a book helped me get through it a little and brought me some peace.
Sending you some peace and warmth. I'm rooting for better days ahead for you.

 

[wantingdignity]

May 5

Last night was rough, but I'm in a better mood today.

My goal today was to clean for the length of one album. I journaled about needing to forgive myself for self neglect - staying in a relationship where someone did not respect me, passing opportunities to spend more time with someone that didn't care about me, allowing mess to rise and billow and overcome me. After, I journaled about what I needed to do to make it perfect and how much time each task would take. I journaled what I wanted from my room. What music did I want to inspire it?

I took a before picture. I have no funds to spare to make my room into anything fancy, but anything is better than its current shit state.

I picked Guts by Olivia Rodrigo. It was perfect - a semi melodramatic post breakup album with just the right amount of angst and camp. 'Get Him Back!' hit home the most. I want my ex back so badly, but fuck him. Fuck him emailing me a poem yesterday about having doubts about us starting 7 years ago. Fuck him using my spam folder like a diary.

I completed the first 4 steps today.

1. Round of Laundry-Dishes-Trash (wash a load of dishes and take trash during the load of laundry)
2. Replaced the absolutely foul cat litter while trying not to vomit
3. Spot swept around the piles of doom around the house
4. Moved my desk to where it is supposed to be

It took the full length of the album! I have so much more to do, but I can already see such a difference.

By bedtime, I want to move my bed's pile of doom into a hamper (clothes) and a shopping bag (other shit). I want to sleep in clean sheets.

I did absolutely nothing this weekend, so this is a surprising burst of productivity. I will not put pressure on myself to keep the same speed. I will try to just pick one thing off of the list of things I need to do to create the perfect room every day.

Once I get back to work, I really want a new litter box set up that is easier to clean. I also want to buy a rug.

Anyone have any cleaning tips?

 

[INYGTRMTFMO]

Anyone have any cleaning tips?

I think your strategy of picking one task at a time to tackle is a good one. That's usually how I approach cleaning: do the thing that needs the doing the most and, if I have time and energy after that, do the next most pressing thing.

I have also heard that body doubling -- ie facetiming or zooming someone who is doing the same task -- is effective for a lot of people. I think there are social media groups dedicated to it?


Also fuck your ex (but probably not literally), he sounds like a dolt.

 

[wantingdignity]

May 6

I graduate the IOP program tomorrow. I am debating on whether or not to leave here as well.

I am not currently fighting with active suicidality, but I am still drawn to death and to the spiral. I want people to be scared for me. Maybe not actually, but I crave it. I spent so much time wanting to die quietly. Maybe now that I'm starting to get better, I want reassurance that my support system won't fall apart again. Maybe I want to feel unconditional acceptance and love. Maybe I want to feel like the main character. Maybe I want proof that my life matters. I survived to not hurt people. Maybe I want proof that my life has significance, and not just my potential death.

My instinct to text my ex is still there. I wasn't feeling well this morning, and I wanted to text him all about it. I wanted to send him a meme that was our sense of humor. I wanted to tell him all about graduating IOP. I wanted to invite him back into my life and see if he fit. My friends say that I'm not allowed to

It's silly, bur I still crave validation from him that my life matters. It fucking sucks.

It's so weird that I'm so focused on him. I used to have so many other aspects of my life. I am normally very adventurous. There's a lot that I could be doing now that he's not complaining that I'm working too much or volunteering too much. I love travelling and he never wanted to go with me AND he always made me feel bad for going solo or with the girls. I would have to beg him to get out of the house. Most of our time together was him wanting me to consume brainrot with him. I spent years begging him to try things with me, volunteer with me, protest with me, spend time with my family, or just surprise me. I wish I just accepted that he didn't love me, and that if he did love me, he would be either putting in the effort or at least supporting me while I try to live my life.

All of that said, I still crave him. I want him to tell me that my life is worth living. I want him to hug me and apologize for everything. I want to tell him how scared I was in the hospital and how calm I was in the roof. He doesn't even know about the roof. He doesn't need to know. I want him to know. I want him to tell me that everything is going to be okay and that he loves me.

Truthfully, the kind and warm person I see him as was a rare sight. He was mean or just somewhere else mentally a lot of the time. He made me feel bad about myself, and instead of leaving, I became determined to prove him wrong. He never repainted the spackled areas where he punched holes in the wall after I told him that I wasn't in the mood to be touched. Even before he violated my consent, he always pushed me to do more than what I was in the mood for. When he was deep in his eating disorder and I was finding evidence everywhere and he was refusing to get help, he complained that something was wrong with me because I was weird about sex.

My brain wants one of the three solutions: get back together with him, spiral to a point where I can kill myself, or have a one night stand to "get him off of me."

Im doing better, but I still have a long way to go

 

[wantingdignity]

May 8

My friends threw me a surprise Graduation party yesterday for graduating my outpatient program. It was so overwhelming, joyful, fun, nostalgic, and magical. They gave me a diploma from "Not Killing Yourself University" that I will cherish forever. It was so unexpected and sweet.

There were so many sweet goodbyes yesterday from my outpatient program. My body both wants to accept and reject their compliments.

I'm wanting to invite magic back into my life. I found myself waking up and missing my ex's eyes. I was recommended to get a book called "Date Yourself."

I want to fall in love again. It's too soon for it to be another person. I can't fall back in love with him either, even though I want to. Today, I will flirt with music and art and journaling and my old favorite tv shows and my volunteer work. Maybe true love will redevelop in my life.

My friend unknowingly drove past the garage where I nearly jumped not long ago. We jammed to one of my favorite songs and she had the perfect reaction to hearing it. I looked at the height with nostalgia. This memory is now layered on top of that one. I'm slowly adding color and dimension back into my life.

My song for today is "Intergalactic Janet" by Ley Soul. It's magical and sensual. Definitely the vibes I want to invite back.

What music are you listening to? Any recommendations?

 

[ForsakenEcho]

Lately, I've gone back to listening to one of my favorite bands, Delta Sleep.
My favorite album of theirs is called Spring Island.