My mother just came into my room throwing a fit because she has realized I'm suicidal. She had a meltdown and a tantrum and said I can't hurt myself because I'm the only hope she has. First of all she has other children, I don't this I could do this if I were an only child. But my mother has always made herself miserable and said it was for me benefit. My entire life she she has made herself suffer and pretended it would heal me. It hasn't. She can't take this away from me. I can't live for her. She's hasn't helped me value my life with her shaming tactics, she has only repeated a cycle I refuse to participate in any longer. These same tools of guilt she's been using to excuse why she didn't maintain friendship, or stayed married to a man who didn't love her and treated her poorly, didn't invest herself in her hobbies, didn't take care of her own mental health. I'm not trying to punish my mother, I'm trying to free myself. I love her and I hope she can be happy. But I can't base my life on her and she can't base hers on me. This isn't NOT at all why I made the decision, but maybe when I have passed that's something she can finally learn instead of making herself miserable in the name of martydom (that didn't even help who she sacrificed herself for) she can actually live for herself. I'm tired of having the pressure of not being allowed to feel what I'm actually feeling, being forced to pretend I'm fine, being forced to pretend her sacrifices actually had the impact she wanted just so she can function even though I'm not functioning.
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