My mother sees me as I truly am, it's less liberating than I'd have expected.

[GoodbyeAndGoodnight]

I've had a long and sordid history of feigning competence and lying about how complete my work is as the deadline approaches. I ruined last Christmas and this time because I'm stuck in the family home due to c*v*d she caught on to the fact that the "almost finished" spiel I'd been spinning were so many lies. She said I was disappointing, pathetic, childish etc... all things I've known to be true for a long time but she and everyone else would explain away despite having a 100% of failure at what I set out to do. The jig is up and she's not lying to herself about what her son is (for now) but for some reason I still can't stop lying to maintain the façade that we now both know is broken.

 

[Life_and_Death]

To blame yourself might not be entirely accurate. It could be a pathological thing in which case it's just another mental disorder. Should the vet with ptsd be blamed for having a panic attack or acting differently? What matters is that you recognize it as a problem and try to fix it. The problem with certain disorders that people look down on is the person tends to not recognize it and fix it. However that's not always their fault either but unless it can be said for sure it's a pathological thing then I digressed.