Help my mom told me she will kill herself too if I do

[4Das]

I feel so guilty.
my mom has suffered all her life, from the start at her abusive home, horrible parents and she has experienced sexual assault many many times.
she has ptsd, anxiety disorders and so much more the list is long, to this day she is struggling.
she raised me so well, did everything right a mother could potentially do right.
I just can't go on, I'm sick and it only gets worse I know exactly that I can't do this to myself forever.
especially considering that my girlfriend will most Likely commit suicide herself at the end of this month, idk how to go on with that.
I just want to sleep and never wake up but I don't know how how to do this to my mom.
I can't keep going, life has nothing to offer for a guy like me and I don't want to even keep trying, even if I was perfectly fine and wasn't depressed there would still be nothing in life I really desire
I just want to go, I really want to go and I can't take this anymore but my mom says she will feel like it's her fault forever because she didn't force me in a mental hospital.
I can't go to the hospital, she constantly tries to talk me into it but I really cannot do that and won't do it again under any circumstances.
I will leave her behind with huge unbearable pain, she loves me so much I really doubt there's a human in the world that can love as much as my mother does.
I know she will never in her life recover from my death, even if she does end up staying.
I was thinking to try to write the best letter, trying to explain to her detailed that it really isn't her fault and writing one to my sister, saying goodbye and telling her about how much I enjoyed my childhood with her and I wanted to ask her to be support for my mom as my sister doesn't suffer from mental problems.
I know this is like my 100000 thread on this topic but I have to talk about it, I can't keep it to myself and I have no one but you guys to talk about this.
please someone give me advice, how to deal with the guilt? how can I kill myself while knowing what I'm gonna do to my mom? and please don't tell me something along the lines of staying for her, I did that since I was 12, I really can't take it anymore, I can't sacrifice myself forever.
I'm sick, I'm deeply sick and all I want is peace, all I want is to sleep forever.

 

[Pulse9477]

1Hey.
I understand your pain. One thing that stuck with me is that while you won't be able to change her reaction to your death, you can focus on making good memories (as bad as they may actually be) with her before you CTB.

Also, this resource might be of use to you. The section on leaving support resources (9. CRISIS HELP FOR SURVIVORS) is something that I think is overlooked, often by the Government. I am going to leave a list of support resources that I think might be good (rather than just 988), like a local grief support group's information and insurance-covered counseling.
-Pulse9477

---

Spoiler: PGP Signed Message

-----BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE-----
Hash: SHA512

Hey.
I understand your pain. One thing that stuck with me is that while you won't be able to change her reaction to your death, you can focus on making good memories (as bad as they may actually be) with her before you CTB.

Also, this resource might be of use to you. The section on leaving support resources (9. CRISIS HELP FOR SURVIVORS) is something that I think is overlooked, often by the Government. I am going to leave a list of support resources that I think might be good (rather than just 988), like a local grief support group's information and insurance-covered counseling.
- -Pulse9477
-----BEGIN PGP SIGNATURE-----

iJEEARYKADkWIQRAlBzyX9u6gVkGP/avBg9w/iqYLAUCanc3ORsUgAAAAAAEAA5t
YW51MiwyLjUrMS4xMiwyLDEACgkQrwYPcP4qmCw4ywEAhOMfkjFdWjKSkXf2pVO/
OufPiIlXoOfT1zCIWsJB4kcA/iVTdOkReIMP2W0SEvPgM8PfjhILb5IhJsQ6H6WF
SRgC
=d2nL
-----END PGP SIGNATURE-----

 

[4Das]

1Hey.
I understand your pain. One thing that stuck with me is that while you won't be able to change her reaction to your death, you can focus on making good memories (as bad as they may actually be) with her before you CTB.

Also, this resource might be of use to you. The section on leaving support resources (9. CRISIS HELP FOR SURVIVORS) is something that I think is overlooked, often by the Government. I am going to leave a list of support resources that I think might be good (rather than just 988), like a local grief support group's information and insurance-covered counseling.
-Pulse9477

---

Spoiler: PGP Signed Message

-----BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE-----
Hash: SHA512

Hey.
I understand your pain. One thing that stuck with me is that while you won't be able to change her reaction to your death, you can focus on making good memories (as bad as they may actually be) with her before you CTB.

Also, this resource might be of use to you. The section on leaving support resources (9. CRISIS HELP FOR SURVIVORS) is something that I think is overlooked, often by the Government. I am going to leave a list of support resources that I think might be good (rather than just 988), like a local grief support group's information and insurance-covered counseling.
- -Pulse9477
-----BEGIN PGP SIGNATURE-----

iJEEARYKADkWIQRAlBzyX9u6gVkGP/avBg9w/iqYLAUCanc3ORsUgAAAAAAEAA5t
YW51MiwyLjUrMS4xMiwyLDEACgkQrwYPcP4qmCw4ywEAhOMfkjFdWjKSkXf2pVO/
OufPiIlXoOfT1zCIWsJB4kcA/iVTdOkReIMP2W0SEvPgM8PfjhILb5IhJsQ6H6WF
SRgC
=d2nL
-----END PGP SIGNATURE-----

thank you so much

 

[goodbad&ugly777]

I'm in the same boat, I'm telling myself that if I do ctb, that nothing's gonna matter after I do. It's selfish I know but it helps me get myself in the mindset needed to take my life. Or at least I think it helps.

Also I like to believe that if someone truly loves you, they wouldn't want you to suffer your whole life and that they would let you ctb If you really wanted to.