I have a notebook that i was writing my suicide not in. i think im at least 8 front and back pages deep and am not done. This past Saturday morning, my mom talked to me (im 18) saying she found the notebook in my dresser when she was looking for a shirt. i immediately started crying. i didn't want her to know that i was still suicidal. everyone thought i got better and stopped being suicidal when i was 12, but it never went away. ive hid my feelings for 6 or 7 years and desperately tried to get better. but it didn't work. i was scared to go back to the mental hospital and im still scared, even though my mom said i wont. She also said she only saw the first page, so at least that is something. i checked, the notebook is still there, and the rope that is hidden in my closet is also still there; that wasn't found.
She told my therapist that i will see tonight (been with that therapist for 3 years) I dont want help. it wont work. i dont want to go through that again because i tried everything. I just want to die, if not I'll just continue to suffer.
The other day, in health class we were watching i video about a college boy that died of an accidental alcohol poisoning in 2014. For the most part i was fine but the parents were interviewed and saying how terrible it was to lose their son that was just months after sending him to college and i started crying a lot because im going to kill myself shortly after going to college, so it will be the same just substitute "drinking at a party" with "suicide" my mom will feel worse than the parents. I feel so guilty. But i still have to do it even though i know it will destroy my mom.
Im a monster. i dont want to hurt anyone but i know it would absolutely destroy my mom because "you're not supposed to bury your child" i thought that maybe if in my not i said that its not her fualt it would make it easier but...
The whole point of writing the not is to make my death easier on those left behind, but finding early just hurt my mom. I now fear that now that people know it would be harder for me to end my life. ive been planning to do it when I go away for college, but i still dont want to be stopped. i dont want my freedom to be taken away either.
She told my therapist that i will see tonight (been with that therapist for 3 years) I dont want help. it wont work. i dont want to go through that again because i tried everything. I just want to die, if not I'll just continue to suffer.
The other day, in health class we were watching i video about a college boy that died of an accidental alcohol poisoning in 2014. For the most part i was fine but the parents were interviewed and saying how terrible it was to lose their son that was just months after sending him to college and i started crying a lot because im going to kill myself shortly after going to college, so it will be the same just substitute "drinking at a party" with "suicide" my mom will feel worse than the parents. I feel so guilty. But i still have to do it even though i know it will destroy my mom.
Im a monster. i dont want to hurt anyone but i know it would absolutely destroy my mom because "you're not supposed to bury your child" i thought that maybe if in my not i said that its not her fualt it would make it easier but...
The whole point of writing the not is to make my death easier on those left behind, but finding early just hurt my mom. I now fear that now that people know it would be harder for me to end my life. ive been planning to do it when I go away for college, but i still dont want to be stopped. i dont want my freedom to be taken away either.
