Sammystink
Sammy
- Mar 30, 2026
- 7
My name is Sammy im a 20yo transgirl
This is going to be a long and maybe incoherent rant about everything that's happened in my life so far. I always try to stay optimistic even if it's just a lie to myself, but it hasn't made me feel any better so idk..
Ok starting now.
My early childhood was pretty easy luckily, up until I was 12 my life was easy, I had a rich family with only a few issues.
When I was a kid I always knew I was a bad person and was worse than all my peers, it's still an issue today but I first realized when I was like 5 or 6.
Other than that, all that happened in my early childhood was my dad, he would get drunk and loud, and it was violent. I barely remember it given my age at the time, and since then my dad has grown, and we are very close..
Ok anyways, my life really started falling apart when I was 12 or so. At somepoint I asked to go on a cruise with me and my mom, it was enjoyable but she ended up getting really sick on that cruise, and we flew back home after a few days, and she got hospitalized, for months and months. I was 12, it was my last year of elementary school, and it was really tough.. The doctors were all really sure she was going to be fine, but on the 2nd to last day of 6th grade I got pulled out of school, and I was informed that my mom was about to day with less than a day left. I couldn't stay there the whole time she was about to die, I didn't want to watch this happen I was scared. It all hurts in retrospect, she couldn't speak, and my brother had to read her lips, I remember holding her hand for the last time.. It all hurts still, it was my fault, I asked to go on that cruise. I could have at least stayed there.
It didn't really end there. I was going into middle school, and around this time I went on social media for the first time, with an app called amino. I was on there nearly every day, I slept in my basement, watched YouTube on my tv, and talked on amino for the whole summer. For people who used that app know where this is going. I was groomed so many times there, the one that really stands out was a guy who forced me on call and blackmailed me, and forced me to do bad shit. Idk I don't need to go into details.
Ok im moving onto my time in middle school now..
It was really hard while I was there, all my friends at the time grew to bully me, my new friends were always mean to me in particular, so I was alone other than people on amino lol..
The first big thing that happened that I can remember was me getting an infection, I got some sort of sinus infection and so we went to the doctor, and he said I was ok. After a few days I didn't get better so I went back and he sent me to the er. I was in there for like 2 months, I temporarily lost control of my legs and my dominant hand lmao. (And my most anticipated game of the year came out then lol) it was just a whole mess, I had brain surgery 3 times, I am lucky not to have gone brain dead while I was there.
After I got out I spent like 3 or so weeks at home learning to walk, and eating again because I ate almost nothing.
But when I came back things were going better for awhile..
For this next part the timeline is a little fuzzy but I got put into 2 classes with this kid who sat next to me in both classes, and after time he would begin to touch me, and he would hit me if I told him to stop. For some reason the teachers just did not care..
It was awhile but Ill keep it mostly quick. He did this for the whole semester, and onetime he tried dragging me to the bathroom, I got out but idk if the teachers thought we were playing or what, it was right in the open and there were like 3 watching.
After this was covid, which actually went well for me!
It was years later until bad things started to happen again. When I went into highschool I was socially stunted, and struggled to talk to people, I made friends who I grew very close to. We were friends for about 2 and a half years before they cut contract with me over my unhealthy emotions, they were in the right, and I hope they're ok now. I feel awful for how often I would trauma dump to them.. After I was kicked out at like 17 I decided to go meet with someone online who happened to be an older man, I knew it would fuck me up but I didn't care, and it really did mess with me.. I really should have been smarter.. about half a year after that, I started hrt! I was so excited, I had just turned 18, and about a week later my best friend died to a drug overdose, I was the last person he ever messaged, and well this was like 2 years ago now. I miss him, I went to bed like 15 minutes before, I should have been there.. It was chaotic after that, I found out first, so everyone came to me because his mom didn't want to talk about it which I get. But I started losing my mind, and it led to months of extreme ctb ideation, and attempts, I did some attempts which should have worked but didn't, it didn't work. I was completely alone for months, until I met my bf, where he well, he was there, and he forced me to go to the mental hospital, which wasn't that bad actually, it was kinda nice, and I was getting better. But just half a year ago now my brother died, he helped me though everything, he helped me learn to walk again after the hospital, he translated for my mom. I miss him so much.. It's still so recent for me.
Since then I tried opening up and making new friends, but the girl I became friends with would keep me up all night with threats of suicide, and another friend who im close to through her was just tortured by her. I cut contact with her recently, and it was really the first time I stood up for myself lol.
Ok that's pretty much where I am now. Im barely functional, I have constant break downs. I know they deserve better, I care about them all a lot. But I want them to be happy and maybe that means I need to let them go.
Im not sure where to go from here Idk if I want to ctb or anything, or if I want help, or if I'll just live alone.
Im leaning towards ctb but im not quite sure how yet, and I can't until august.
(I want to at least play subnautica 2 first)
This is going to be a long and maybe incoherent rant about everything that's happened in my life so far. I always try to stay optimistic even if it's just a lie to myself, but it hasn't made me feel any better so idk..
Ok starting now.
My early childhood was pretty easy luckily, up until I was 12 my life was easy, I had a rich family with only a few issues.
When I was a kid I always knew I was a bad person and was worse than all my peers, it's still an issue today but I first realized when I was like 5 or 6.
Other than that, all that happened in my early childhood was my dad, he would get drunk and loud, and it was violent. I barely remember it given my age at the time, and since then my dad has grown, and we are very close..
Ok anyways, my life really started falling apart when I was 12 or so. At somepoint I asked to go on a cruise with me and my mom, it was enjoyable but she ended up getting really sick on that cruise, and we flew back home after a few days, and she got hospitalized, for months and months. I was 12, it was my last year of elementary school, and it was really tough.. The doctors were all really sure she was going to be fine, but on the 2nd to last day of 6th grade I got pulled out of school, and I was informed that my mom was about to day with less than a day left. I couldn't stay there the whole time she was about to die, I didn't want to watch this happen I was scared. It all hurts in retrospect, she couldn't speak, and my brother had to read her lips, I remember holding her hand for the last time.. It all hurts still, it was my fault, I asked to go on that cruise. I could have at least stayed there.
It didn't really end there. I was going into middle school, and around this time I went on social media for the first time, with an app called amino. I was on there nearly every day, I slept in my basement, watched YouTube on my tv, and talked on amino for the whole summer. For people who used that app know where this is going. I was groomed so many times there, the one that really stands out was a guy who forced me on call and blackmailed me, and forced me to do bad shit. Idk I don't need to go into details.
Ok im moving onto my time in middle school now..
It was really hard while I was there, all my friends at the time grew to bully me, my new friends were always mean to me in particular, so I was alone other than people on amino lol..
The first big thing that happened that I can remember was me getting an infection, I got some sort of sinus infection and so we went to the doctor, and he said I was ok. After a few days I didn't get better so I went back and he sent me to the er. I was in there for like 2 months, I temporarily lost control of my legs and my dominant hand lmao. (And my most anticipated game of the year came out then lol) it was just a whole mess, I had brain surgery 3 times, I am lucky not to have gone brain dead while I was there.
After I got out I spent like 3 or so weeks at home learning to walk, and eating again because I ate almost nothing.
But when I came back things were going better for awhile..
For this next part the timeline is a little fuzzy but I got put into 2 classes with this kid who sat next to me in both classes, and after time he would begin to touch me, and he would hit me if I told him to stop. For some reason the teachers just did not care..
It was awhile but Ill keep it mostly quick. He did this for the whole semester, and onetime he tried dragging me to the bathroom, I got out but idk if the teachers thought we were playing or what, it was right in the open and there were like 3 watching.
After this was covid, which actually went well for me!
It was years later until bad things started to happen again. When I went into highschool I was socially stunted, and struggled to talk to people, I made friends who I grew very close to. We were friends for about 2 and a half years before they cut contract with me over my unhealthy emotions, they were in the right, and I hope they're ok now. I feel awful for how often I would trauma dump to them.. After I was kicked out at like 17 I decided to go meet with someone online who happened to be an older man, I knew it would fuck me up but I didn't care, and it really did mess with me.. I really should have been smarter.. about half a year after that, I started hrt! I was so excited, I had just turned 18, and about a week later my best friend died to a drug overdose, I was the last person he ever messaged, and well this was like 2 years ago now. I miss him, I went to bed like 15 minutes before, I should have been there.. It was chaotic after that, I found out first, so everyone came to me because his mom didn't want to talk about it which I get. But I started losing my mind, and it led to months of extreme ctb ideation, and attempts, I did some attempts which should have worked but didn't, it didn't work. I was completely alone for months, until I met my bf, where he well, he was there, and he forced me to go to the mental hospital, which wasn't that bad actually, it was kinda nice, and I was getting better. But just half a year ago now my brother died, he helped me though everything, he helped me learn to walk again after the hospital, he translated for my mom. I miss him so much.. It's still so recent for me.
Since then I tried opening up and making new friends, but the girl I became friends with would keep me up all night with threats of suicide, and another friend who im close to through her was just tortured by her. I cut contact with her recently, and it was really the first time I stood up for myself lol.
Ok that's pretty much where I am now. Im barely functional, I have constant break downs. I know they deserve better, I care about them all a lot. But I want them to be happy and maybe that means I need to let them go.
Im not sure where to go from here Idk if I want to ctb or anything, or if I want help, or if I'll just live alone.
Im leaning towards ctb but im not quite sure how yet, and I can't until august.
(I want to at least play subnautica 2 first)
