My latest news

[willitpass]

Well… I'm back… For now. I just spent 6 weeks in an inpatient unit hours from home. Nothing came of it other than being forced to start taking medication again (I refused for two weeks and they threatened a court order if I didn't agree). Shocker, it hasn't helped like I told them it wouldn't. This hospital didn't offer ketamine therapy and were useless in helping me find a place that does. They were also useless at helping me find a residential program that could take me. They didn't even offer individual therapy, only group therapy full or useless platitudes and coping skills I've already learned in my 24 other months in the hospital/residential over the years. After weeks of arguing with them and things continuing to not improve we got them to agree to discharge me and I'm now headed to the ER of a better hospital who may be able to offer me ketamine. At the very least they offer individual therapy.

I regret seeking help. This experience has really just solidified what I already knew- I am beyond help and I will still die by suicide. As time has gone on I've become less and less scared of the idea of setting myself on fire. Unless I can get ketamine and it works wonders, then I know I will eventually get discharged and will set myself on fire not long after. The helplessness I have felt through this experience has been ever growing. Unfortunately I will not be able to just fake my way out in a week and off myself, as I had to fully open up to my dad, who threatened to file for a conservatorship if he doesn't believe I am truly being honest and planning to hurt myself. I will have to be gradual in getting myself out of here.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Oh my gosh, you're here. I missed seeing you here even though I know at the time it was for 'good' reason. All of us were truly hoping the best. If I may, I just want to anecdotally share something. If there is any therapist in your present or past that you trust to listen to you about the ketamine (specifically IV clinic over Spravado or Mindbloom but take what's available!) I think it's absolutely worth a shot. I read what you wrote, I had to work with an individual therapist to get a recommendation to the clinic, but it really helped rewire certain things and at the time, it DID work wonders. My being here isn't proof that it didn't work, I just couldn't afford to keep it up (and now I mostly rely on street K), I truly believe that life had the chance to improve when I was doing it regularly.

This isn't any kind of push back on your wants! I respect and understand the need to CTB. I respect and trust that you know yourself. Even down to how your considering going out, speaks to the immense amount of pain you NEVER deserved, nor do you now. You're in my thoughts. We missed you, we're here for you. <3

 

[willitpass]

About to pull into the ER of the other hospital. Here's to something I suppose.

 

[ForestGhost]

All the best, I'm sure like many others here you've been in my thoughts. Glad you were able to fight for a possibly more helpful treatment option. Advocating for yourself in that circumstance takes a lot of strength. Here's to hoping you get the Ketamine therapy and that it provides some value to you.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I give you credit for trying. I also suffer with mental illness, hospitalized twice this year. Even did ECT, countless meds, therapy and oral ketamine(haven't tried the IV). Nothing has worked. I feel for you and wish you the best outcome with this hospitalization.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

You know, a little while ago I actually had a dream where you made a post on SS saying that you started ketamine therapy, had a good response to it, and were going to leave SS because you no longer felt the need to be on the forum. I know it was a dream but I hope that it does end up coming true.

The idea of you setting yourself on fire is terrifying, knowing that second/third degree burns covering more than 10% of the body's surface area need a referral to the burn unit. I know you're most likely also aware of that, and what surviving implies, as someone who has more experience in healthcare than I do. However, I know that there may not be anything that anyone can say or do, to convince you to not do it.

 

[CatLvr]

Oh my gosh!! It is SO good to hear from you! Like everyone else here I am terribly disappointed in the hospital you were at. I certainly hope this hospital you are at now will actually help you. Please do come back and update us when you can and know you are in our thoughts.

 

[Username1359751]

I'm not sure where you are, but you might have better luck trying Spravato (esketamine) as ketamine is usually harder to acquire and very expensive. Trying dextromethorphan with wellbutrin (or getting Auvelity) works similarly. (At least the DXM mechanism does, but the wellbutrin is a good augment.) Dextromorphan can even be bought on Amazon for a DiY version.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

Even though I know you don't want to be here, it is good to see you. I have been wondering what happened to you since I haven't seen you around in a long time.

 

[willitpass]

I've just discharged from the new hospital. They turned out to no longer be offering inpatient ketamine, but they were far more competent and much more helpful at finding a residential program. I'm not getting ready to head several states over from home to go to residential. Still not much has changed with me and my thoughts but maybe residential will help… I don't know.

 

[hop33xit]

I've just discharged from the new hospital. They turned out to no longer be offering inpatient ketamine, but they were far more competent and much more helpful at finding a residential program. I'm not getting ready to head several states over from home to go to residential. Still not much has changed with me and my thoughts but maybe residential will help… I don't know.

worried about you

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I've just discharged from the new hospital. They turned out to no longer be offering inpatient ketamine, but they were far more competent and much more helpful at finding a residential program. I'm not getting ready to head several states over from home to go to residential. Still not much has changed with me and my thoughts but maybe residential will help… I don't know.

you're in my thoughts. hoping the residential can help you with what you need.

 

[willitpass]

I really do feel like I'm doing all of this for nothing. I feel like it's going to repeat the same cycle I've been stuck in of brief recovery followed by rapid relapse. And with my plan already in place I will be gone or severely disabled if that happens. I can only hope the answer is dead because fuck if I survive that.

 

[-Link-]

You have a lot of people here rooting for you @willitpass

Thinking of you and hoping you can find some relief in this new program.

 

[nir]

I hope ketamine can do something for you that the other treatments haven't been able to do. You've been in my thoughts. <3

 

[willitpass]

This residential is already proving to be significantly less traumatic and more therapeutic than my last one. Even if I don't get better here I don't believe I'll get worse.

 

[Overwhelmed52]

This residential is already proving to be significantly less traumatic and more therapeutic than my last one. Even if I don't get better here I don't believe I'll get worse.

Good! Wishing you the absolute best!