I'm a 38 year old gay male.
My whole life has just been nothing but abuse and bullying.
I've tried to be happy. I'm a happy person at heart. I grew up always trying to help people and make friends and would get made fun of for being different. I'm just over it all. My partner of ten years is so mentally and verbally abusive with me. My family only talks to me when they need something but otherwise are estranged. The friends I have talk behind my back. Most are only my friends because I pay for things since I make the most and I feel guilty. I've tried meditation, eating right, exercising, positive affirmations to myself, etc and it's just a joke. I so wanted to just love and be loved and happy but it's just not in my life's journey. I've been wanting to die since I was about 4 years old. Those are my first memories of hating myself. About 15 years ago I stopped crying about it and I'm basically numb. I feel a weird sensation in my body constantly but no tears or emotions come from it. Just a feeling of deep sadness, anger, and hatred towards myself. I don't think I'm going to last much longer in this world and being that nobody really cares I think it would be for the best of everyone, especially me. I think when I do it I'm just going to go somewhere far away with no identification, some pills, and maybe a CD and a CD player (don't need anything to identify me like my phone with music) and listen to some solfeggio music and drift away.
🕊
My whole life has just been nothing but abuse and bullying.
I've tried to be happy. I'm a happy person at heart. I grew up always trying to help people and make friends and would get made fun of for being different. I'm just over it all. My partner of ten years is so mentally and verbally abusive with me. My family only talks to me when they need something but otherwise are estranged. The friends I have talk behind my back. Most are only my friends because I pay for things since I make the most and I feel guilty. I've tried meditation, eating right, exercising, positive affirmations to myself, etc and it's just a joke. I so wanted to just love and be loved and happy but it's just not in my life's journey. I've been wanting to die since I was about 4 years old. Those are my first memories of hating myself. About 15 years ago I stopped crying about it and I'm basically numb. I feel a weird sensation in my body constantly but no tears or emotions come from it. Just a feeling of deep sadness, anger, and hatred towards myself. I don't think I'm going to last much longer in this world and being that nobody really cares I think it would be for the best of everyone, especially me. I think when I do it I'm just going to go somewhere far away with no identification, some pills, and maybe a CD and a CD player (don't need anything to identify me like my phone with music) and listen to some solfeggio music and drift away.
🕊
