If you're reading this, this means that I'm no longer with you in the physical form, but I'll always be there in the spiritual one. Every one of you has shaped me to be the person who I am today, and someone who is able to be loved, someone who's able to be trusted, and appreciated, and valued, and respected. Yes, I know this will be a sad time for many, but this is just apart of this thing we call life. We know that these things will happen in life, and it's part of what makes it sad, but it's part of what makes it beautiful, because hopefully, everybody will be able to take a piece of me and carry it on with them in their own lives. The same way I have with my friends and family who have transitioned.
I know this will probably be a bit of a bomb to some people, but I just want everyone to know that there's nothing anyone could have done to prevent this. I've been struggling with this decision for the past 11 years, and I have all the plans in place to prevent me from doing anything like this. At the end of the day, my mental illness is just too deeply entrenched for me to escape at this point. There's a lot of you who kept me going, and I thank you so much for that. Although I know that this is going to be incredibly difficult, I hope that this can spark a positive change in the long run, and I hope that this will not be in vain.
I've gone too long without joy, without happiness, without being glad to wake up in the morning. I can't even appreciate the note of a good song now. I can't appreciate the beauty of a sports highlight. I can't even be gracious that I get to be alive. It's just very dark, and i feel so incredibly guilty for it being dark because I know I have a life a lot of people would like to have, but this depression renders me unable to enjoy the fruits of my labour. I'm tired of suffering. I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of always having to get through it because I can't get through it anymore. I've tried. I see so much suffering in the world, so much cruelty and downright heinous acts being done to people and it just gets me further into the spiral. I can't remember the last time I genuinely smiled or had any hope that things would get better. I have an amazing therapist, a nice psychologist, a very strong support system. I've tried religion. I've talked to my friends and family. I've told people how bad my mental illness has gotten, even went to the hospital for it. It's just, at this point, I hope you guys understand that I'm so engulfed in the despair that this is the only way out I possibly see.
I just hope that this can inspire people to be a little closer with each other, try a little tenderness with each other, because I know that kept me going for a long time. I know that It can keep a lot of people going for a long time. I don't want anyone to think that they could have stopped me because no one could have. I've had plenty of people check in on me. I've had plenty of people be there for me and visit me, which all kept me going just a little bit longer. This isn't a case of "he just needed more support" or he must have been feeling so alone because" I don't. I'm unable to absorb any of the love that people are giving me anymore. That's through no fault of anyone but myself. Just to reiterate, there is absolutely nothing anyone could have done to prevent this, there's no action of text or visit that could have stopped this , because I received numerous of all those actions, and words can't express how much I appreciated all those, but everyone can see I'm not the same me anymore, which check ins and visits could never solve. That's my cross to bear and I will bear it. It is my biggest wish that I'm remembered for who I was before, not who I was at the end. Just know that if I felt that there was any way out of this, then I would have kept trying. I didn't see it. I'm tired of all this buttoning and unbuttoning. As I transition into the next life I thank you all, I apologize to you all, and wish nothing but the best to you all. Godspeed.
I know this will probably be a bit of a bomb to some people, but I just want everyone to know that there's nothing anyone could have done to prevent this. I've been struggling with this decision for the past 11 years, and I have all the plans in place to prevent me from doing anything like this. At the end of the day, my mental illness is just too deeply entrenched for me to escape at this point. There's a lot of you who kept me going, and I thank you so much for that. Although I know that this is going to be incredibly difficult, I hope that this can spark a positive change in the long run, and I hope that this will not be in vain.
I've gone too long without joy, without happiness, without being glad to wake up in the morning. I can't even appreciate the note of a good song now. I can't appreciate the beauty of a sports highlight. I can't even be gracious that I get to be alive. It's just very dark, and i feel so incredibly guilty for it being dark because I know I have a life a lot of people would like to have, but this depression renders me unable to enjoy the fruits of my labour. I'm tired of suffering. I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of always having to get through it because I can't get through it anymore. I've tried. I see so much suffering in the world, so much cruelty and downright heinous acts being done to people and it just gets me further into the spiral. I can't remember the last time I genuinely smiled or had any hope that things would get better. I have an amazing therapist, a nice psychologist, a very strong support system. I've tried religion. I've talked to my friends and family. I've told people how bad my mental illness has gotten, even went to the hospital for it. It's just, at this point, I hope you guys understand that I'm so engulfed in the despair that this is the only way out I possibly see.
I just hope that this can inspire people to be a little closer with each other, try a little tenderness with each other, because I know that kept me going for a long time. I know that It can keep a lot of people going for a long time. I don't want anyone to think that they could have stopped me because no one could have. I've had plenty of people check in on me. I've had plenty of people be there for me and visit me, which all kept me going just a little bit longer. This isn't a case of "he just needed more support" or he must have been feeling so alone because" I don't. I'm unable to absorb any of the love that people are giving me anymore. That's through no fault of anyone but myself. Just to reiterate, there is absolutely nothing anyone could have done to prevent this, there's no action of text or visit that could have stopped this , because I received numerous of all those actions, and words can't express how much I appreciated all those, but everyone can see I'm not the same me anymore, which check ins and visits could never solve. That's my cross to bear and I will bear it. It is my biggest wish that I'm remembered for who I was before, not who I was at the end. Just know that if I felt that there was any way out of this, then I would have kept trying. I didn't see it. I'm tired of all this buttoning and unbuttoning. As I transition into the next life I thank you all, I apologize to you all, and wish nothing but the best to you all. Godspeed.
