Venting My first serious girlfriend broke up with me. I feel like I won’t connect with anyone like them ever again.

[nothirdact]

As a preface, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 14, so it's been almost 13 years. I'm on the autism spectrum and have ADHD. I'm a lesbian.

I connected online with a fellow fan of one my special interests. We clicked immediately. Not only do we have similar interests, but they introduced me to even more things I love. We could talk for hours or sit in silence for hours. They were so affectionate and told my family about them. I did the same. I always struggled with self-worth, but they made me feel special. They understood me and never made me feel like I was broken.

After five months of being together virtually, I flew to meet them. The first two days of the trip were great. We picked up right where we left off. We held hands and cuddled and talked just like we did online. I met their dad. Then the second night of my trip, they suddenly got very anxious. They told me they aren't ready for a relationship. I spent the last night of my trip in a hotel.

They still want to be friends, and I've agreed because I want to keep them in my life. But I also feel like this is a breaking point. Three days after the break up, I self-harmed for the first time in several years. I'm realizing that my ex was my one shot at true human connection. I have a family that loves me, good friends, a job I love. But I don't actually connect with anyone. I've opened up with friends and family about the break-up, but I get the same platitudes about it being okay to grieve, that it'll take time but things will get better. But I don't want to wait.

I haven't made up my mind about going through with it. But the thought of starting all over again, waiting another 26 years to *maybe* find someone who makes me feel the way they did. It's painful. I'm not happy. No matter how many happy things happen to me. No matter how many times I'm happy. I'm not actually happy. It doesn't last. It never lasts.

 

[Dqope]

It doesn't last. It never lasts.

That's why I never understood "love" and relationships. I am the type to love someone and wish them the best but what when I know its not going to last. Even if there were some real feelings she would have for me, down the line at some point or another she would go on. There is no love, just the thing if she likes how you look, likes how you got money, likes your status or likes your linage or from what family you come from. That's why I found it pointless to even try. Heard and seen too many stories about people changing after their motives change or they had them from the start and down the line they aren't scared anymore to hide it. It may hurt but if she saw you as the best one she wouldn't have said that she isn't ready for a relationship. If you were truly the one that she liked (looks wise, money wise, connection wise) she wouldn't miss a heartbeat to take you. I guess its a bit different when its girl on girl instead of guy to girl but it probably wont deviate too much...

 

[catlover20]

Your story reminded me a bit of my own experience.

I have never been in a relationship, and sometimes I wonder if I ever will be. The idea of going through life without experiencing that kind of closeness, always sitting alone in my room with no one to turn to, hurts more than I can put into words. I have asked myself why so many times. Maybe I do not try hard enough. Maybe I do not go out enough or open myself up. But no matter how I look at it, I always return to the same painful thought: maybe the problem is simply me.

What makes it even harder is realising I have never really taken the time to understand myself. I do not truly know who I am, what I need, or what I love. Instead, I focus on everything I dislike, my personality, my appearance, the way I feel out of place. I convince myself that if I cannot even accept who I am, then no one else ever will.

When I read your story, I saw how deeply you loved and how seen and accepted you felt in that connection. I can only imagine how meaningful that must have been to feel understood, valued, and held by someone. Losing that must feel like losing a part of yourself. Though I have not experienced love like that yet, I know the ache of waiting for something that may never come. I understand what it feels like to think that happiness depends on someone else.

But happiness should not rely on another person. If it does, it becomes fragile, something that can be taken away. True happiness comes from within, from learning to live with yourself even when it is difficult. Then, when love does come, it becomes a beautiful addition to your life rather than the reason for it.

 

[Andy]

I don't want to come across as dismissive of what you're going through right now, however, you will get over it. I was also in my mid 20s when I had my first real relationship. Also diagnosed with depression at a young age. It can feel like this person you love acts almost like a dam keeping your negative thoughts at bay while they're in your life, and when they leave it all comes flooding back more intensely than ever before. But, as I already said and you've already heard, you will get over it. Everytime I go through it, I feel the same, that it took so long to meet this one and it was pure luck and it'll never happen again, but then it does. I'm actually going through it again right now.

If you want to self harm or ctb for other reasons, that's your business and I won't judge as I also have my own reasons. But, if you're doing it because a 5 month online relationship didn't work out after you met in person... come on now . As shitty as life can be, we often make it worse in our own minds. I'm sorry if I seem harsh, but it seems like you might be doing that. A family who loves you, good friends, a job you love. You have a lot going for you it seems. I wish you the best in your future search for love and connection.

 

[theboy]

Ah!
There is a fine line between love and hate. Love is beautiful but then it hurts when everything is on the decline

 

[LeavingEarly]

If you all got along and were with each other for a long time then broke up it hurts worse. Unfortunately people with mental illness break up at a high rate. Each time hurts. Sorry you feel bad.