Discussion My first post; When do you first remember experiencing suicidality?

[itsgone2]

I was 10. Morning the loss of 3 close family members but, also being bullied by a (suspected) narcissist. Without them, I doubt I would have considered suicide.

I think this is what started it for me. Was closer to 14 though. Seemed like death was just always present. And maybe we don't value life as much after that. I wasn't bullied but my mom was certainly difficult. Certainly not great and I'm not even sure where she is now.

 

[Dark Mood]

I think it was when I was about 13 years old when I started thinking about ending my life for the first time. Had my first attempt at age 15

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think this is what started it for me. Was closer to 14 though. Seemed like death was just always present. And maybe we don't value life as much after that. I wasn't bullied but my mom was certainly difficult. Certainly not great and I'm not even sure where she is now.

I'm not sure it was the presence and reminders of death that made me want it so young. More that people I loved and needed so much at that age were dying or dead. Plus, with the bullying going on, there were simply fewer in my corner. So, I just kind of felt alone in a really hostile environment and there were fewer loved ones already by that point to stay for. I just remember feeling sick of feeling afraid and unhappy. It just popped in my head one day that I would prefer to be dead, rather than experiencing this.

Death became this weird foe on the one hand, because it had already taken so many but then, I liked the thought that it would come for me soon too.

I think you're right though. Rather than the reality of death making life seem precious, it made it more cheap in a way. If everything could be lost so easily, how sensible was it to put so much value on it?

 

[EtherealCicada]

That's the youngest I've heard so far OP. Kind of interesting too in a way. It sounded more like an exploratory idea- let's see what heaven is like- rather than so much of a wish to die initially or, was it a mixture of both?

I was 10. Morning the loss of 3 close family members but, also being bullied by a (suspected) narcissist. Without them, I doubt I would have considered suicide.

I would say a mixture of both, leaning towards the side of exploratory/the desire to be somewhere else. I don't think a 1-2 y/o fully grasps the concept of anyone/anything's death, though it definitely blossomed into something resembling suicidality very quickly before the age of 6. It wasn't as constant as it is today, but I was definitely exploring my options + gathering knowledge in terms of offing myself even if I didn't really understand it yet.

I'm sorry for your losses, that's difficult for anyone, especially being that young. And I had the same thing with a (confirmed) narcissist, so felt :,)

When I discovered that all there is to life is 50 years of wage slavery in capitalism's neo-feudalism. So, like, 10 years ago when I was 16-18 yrs old. I was surrounded by people at that time who thought that was okay, thought it was normal; some were coping via heavy medication or drug use, and tried to make it seem like I am the crazy one for not getting with the program.

I'm using big terms and I don't even know if they're accurate or not. All I know is the thought of having to be somewhere I do not want to be for 8 hours a day, and potentially wasting another 1-2 hours a day going to and from that place, for a wage that only allows me to live paycheck to paycheck, makes me suicidal.

There is nothing fun or enjoyable about being alive. Every waking moment that I am not suffering, I am dreading the coming suffering. I am not special, I am not good enough at anything to live an exceptional life, and I desperately want out of this.

It's like my entire life, I have been cursed to watch my peers be more successful than me and leave me behind in literally every single facet of life. And yet I worked and tried just as hard as they did. I feel like I am being tortured mentally and spiritually.

Nothing I have tried has ever led to worthwhile financial success: 9-to-5 jobs = deadend jobs, I enjoyed sports but wasn't good enough to go pro in any, I enjoyed gaming but wasn't good enough to go pro, I enjoyed writing but wasn't good enough to write a best seller, I enjoyed streaming and making YouTube stuff but I am apparently not good enough at that either.

PLEASE KILL ME.

THIS. Even just public school for me was an absolute nightmare in terms of time and work. I know for a fact I had the most absences out of any student in High, and while Middle didn't confirm that fact for me I wouldn't be surprised if I held that top statistic too (they did confirm I was in the top percent of student absences).

Existing within capitalism is definitely one of my top struggles today, sitting cozy right next to the C-PTSD. My sibling and I joke that I am a rich man born into a poor girl's body (I'm an AFAB male, lazy af, had "expensive tastes" for things I could never afford for my entire life)

["...cursed to watch my peers be more successful than me"] I really feel this too. I live in a college town where everybody seems to be successful or working their way there; I've just been letting myself rot on disability money forever. I know higher education is supposed to be so different than primary school, but it was so traumatizing the first time that I'm terrified and practically unwilling to go back for about a million reasons. I don't assume in the US economy I'd inherently be able to get a job any better with a degree anyway.

...I've also thought about streaming or YT, but I'm not quite confident enough. A lot a LOT of it is luck and algorithm, so I would hope you don't beat yourself up too much for not getting big numbers regardless of how long you've been out there. It's far too easy to just fly under the radar. If your YT channel is still up tho, I might be willing to sub, especially for gaming content!! Not sure if I'm open for PM's yet tho?