My CTB Thread - Making the Commitment

[abstractcat7]

I couldn't fucking do it and now I hate myself even more. I fucking hate this.

 

[never mind me]

How did you try to ctb?
SI really is a bitch. It's so hard to overcome. So don't beat yourself up because you couldn't go through with ctb.

 

[abstractcat7]

I'm a hypocritical piece of shit, an asshole, good for nothing, completely incapable and incompetent, and deserve everything that's come my way. I wish Natural Selection still played a role in humanity so I could've died as a child when I got really sick. That would've been the good ending. I get to exist miserable, suffering, embarrassed, and ashamed. For everything I am, for everything I can't do, and for being unable to fix everything once and for all. I can't bring myself to do it. I can't be helped and I can't help myself. I'm completely alone and I probably deserve to be. I try to give so much, people are so willing to take, and almost no one has even been willing to give back. Not even my own parents. I wasn't even allowed to have opportunities or have my own achievements, success, or rewards. I think at least one of my parents couldn't stomach the idea of their child doing good, or ever risk the possibility of me doing better than them or becoming more than them. One of the fundamental pillars of being a parent, and my father wanted to prevent that at any cost.

I'm so embarrassed and ashamed. Everyone can see how pathetic and worthless I am. Some people even make sure to tell me, some just do their best to show me. I'm so... confused... and I don't even fully understand what I mean by that or how to even try explaining it. I feel like I understand so much, but it doesn't matter and doesn't help me and won't ever change anything. People here understand about "seeing things for how they really are" when most people just want to avoid even acknowledging harsh realities, and that's what I mean. Nothing makes sense. I couldn't bring myself to follow through and now I feel so lost and empty. My body was genuinely ready, I almost stopped eating entirely and felt almost no hunger.

I started eating more again today. My appetite has returned slightly. I still want to die. I still hate myself for not following through. I'm still miserable. I'm still angry. I still can't see a future. I still don't want to live. I still don't understand why I'm still alive. I'm so confused and angry. I'm so fucking embarrassed. I can't even put myself out of my own misery. I don't even know what I'm doing with my time. I'm just existing. Ruminating.