My childhood is the root cause of my problems

[bl33ding_heart]

I usually don't fully comprehend how bad my childhood was and the extent to which it still affects me to this day. I know being severely mistreated as a child is the cause of my bpd of course. But I always think I'm over my childhood trauma simply because it doesn't occupy my mind most of the time, and the only thing really occupying my mind is the unbearable symptoms of my bpd and ocd. I still have nightmares of being beaten by my dad or of being assaulted, but I never see what I went through as a kid as something that detrimentally impacts my adult life. I had a dream last night that made me really rethink that. In the dream I was going on a trip somewhere with my siblings, and uncles and grandparents. On the way to the car I was made to carry the most heavy things possible, and I'm the physically weakest out of most of my family and siblings. I asked both of my siblings if they could help me out and they laughed at me and refused, and called me weak. When we actually got to the car everyone started getting in and seemed to completely forget there would be no space for me. I just asked "hey so where am I supposed to sit" and they just shoved me into some tiny and secluded space in the car while they all got to sit on a normal seat. I can't remember the rest of the dream clearly but all I can remember is being made fun of by my family and being treated horribly. And it felt so heartbreaking. For some time after I woke up those feelings of heartbreak were still lingering. I did often get left out and treated horribly by my family, although my siblings usually didn't treat me that badly. I genuinely thought I was done caring. I plan to move countries and start a new life far away from my family anyways. I don't want them to be apart of my future. Since I can so easily move away without a care in the world I didn't think my feelings could still be deeply hurt by them. But childhood wounds don't just suddenly disappear now that you're an adult. They turn into nasty scars that will probably stick with you until you die.

 

[SASU-KE]

Your plan of moving to a different country and starting a new life is excellent. I usually recommended the same thing to several people here as well. It gives you a clean slate.

You are also right that these scars stay with you and don't heal easily though. Part of the problem is as young children we are dependent on family and can't get away from them. Things would be a bit different once you're independent. You can put distance between people who hurt you and don't treat you well Including your family.

Better times will come.

 

[enso]

Hi!

Thanks for your story!

Dreams can be a tool for us to relive some previous events, which reasons/effects/consquences were not fully consciously understood. And your dream is really an excellent example!

If you are interested, there are some works of Carl Jung, he was founder of one of psychoanalysis schools and heavily used and tried to interpret dreams and link them to idea of communication between our conscious "ego" and unconscious "id".

Childhood wounds and all other traumas are just a part on environment that makes us to become who we are. Without those childhood memories, would you be on SS? Would you have the same interests and same personality traits? Well, history doesn't have subjunctive mood, but we can say, that most likely you would be absolutely different person. But you couldn't, because things happened as they happened and due to many factors these things couldn't happen other way too.

How do you think, what these memories and dreams mean for you now? Do you want things had happened other way? Do you think, what happened during your childhood was unfair to you? Maybe, it one of those feelings?

 

[ctb_warrior]

I usually don't fully comprehend how bad my childhood was and the extent to which it still affects me to this day. I know being severely mistreated as a child is the cause of my bpd of course. But I always think I'm over my childhood trauma simply because it doesn't occupy my mind most of the time, and the only thing really occupying my mind is the unbearable symptoms of my bpd and ocd. I still have nightmares of being beaten by my dad or of being assaulted, but I never see what I went through as a kid as something that detrimentally impacts my adult life. I had a dream last night that made me really rethink that. In the dream I was going on a trip somewhere with my siblings, and uncles and grandparents. On the way to the car I was made to carry the most heavy things possible, and I'm the physically weakest out of most of my family and siblings. I asked both of my siblings if they could help me out and they laughed at me and refused, and called me weak. When we actually got to the car everyone started getting in and seemed to completely forget there would be no space for me. I just asked "hey so where am I supposed to sit" and they just shoved me into some tiny and secluded space in the car while they all got to sit on a normal seat. I can't remember the rest of the dream clearly but all I can remember is being made fun of by my family and being treated horribly. And it felt so heartbreaking. For some time after I woke up those feelings of heartbreak were still lingering. I did often get left out and treated horribly by my family, although my siblings usually didn't treat me that badly. I genuinely thought I was done caring. I plan to move countries and start a new life far away from my family anyways. I don't want them to be apart of my future. Since I can so easily move away without a care in the world I didn't think my feelings could still be deeply hurt by them. But childhood wounds don't just suddenly disappear now that you're an adult. They turn into nasty scars that will probably stick with you until you die.

Heya,
Thanks for sharing your story I'm so sorry that you had to go through such a rough childhood. It's certainly not easy to be in that position but your words tell me that you are strong

Your idea of moving out of your country is very good. I totally recommend you that.
And you are right, childhood wounds don't go easily. Me and two of my other friends were victim of atrocities of selfish teachers at our school, the effect of that still acts like shackles that hold us back and continue to affect us in the deep recesses of the mind.

The good news is, there's a technique I came across as a part of my hypnotherapist curriculum. It's called Havening and it can be used to break patterns of Trauma and it has been proven to be effective for war veterans too.


You may try that out. Hypnosis and NLP also may have some answers to it. For example, swish pattern in NLP is known to dissolve a lot of painful patterns.

I'm leaving these as hints for you to read about and see for yourself if it looks appealing. If it appeals to you, you may give it a shot.

Good luck and I wish you the best. You are a strong human being. You can do it!!!!

 

[.idiot]

Like SASU-KE said, moving to a new country is a good plan, but there is a lot of factors to account for.

How much do you got saved up from your current occupation, if you have one?

What country are you planning to move to, what is the quality of life, and have you looked into housing there and job opportunities? From the previous point about savings, I recommend having at least saved up enough to live off of for at least 6 months while you search for work after arriving in the country.

Since you said your siblings didn't really treat you badly, do you have plans to at least remain within contact with them? Or no, completely cutting contact to get away from the past? This could also end up backfiring, but I recommend leaving one last message to your father before you do this thing- not out of any affection for a bastard like him, but more so for some kind of sense of closure on your side, if you would feel something like that from doing such a thing. If you wouldn't, ignore what I said about that last message thing.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

Like SASU-KE said, moving to a new country is a good plan, but there is a lot of factors to account for.

How much do you got saved up from your current occupation, if you have one?

What country are you planning to move to, what is the quality of life, and have you looked into housing there and job opportunities? From the previous point about savings, I recommend having at least saved up enough to live off of for at least 6 months while you search for work after arriving in the country.

Since you said your siblings didn't really treat you badly, do you plans to at least remain within contact with them? Or no, completely cutting contact to get away from the past? This could also end up backfiring, but I recommend leaving one last message to your father before you do this thing- not out of any affection for a bastard like him, but more so for some kind of sense of closure on your side, if you would feel something like that from doing such a thing. If you wouldn't, ignore what I said about that last message thing.

I have around 15k saved up and I plan to study at an international university, although I haven't yet decided which country. I'm not sure if I'll get any help paying for my education from my family, and if not I'll just have to try and get some job. I don't exactly know if things will even work out well for me, but thank you for asking. :)

 

[.idiot]

I have around 15k saved up and I plan to study at an international university, although I haven't yet decided which country. I'm not sure if I'll get any help paying for my education from my family, and if not I'll just have to try and get some job. I don't exactly know if things will even work out well for me, but thank you for asking. :)

15k in what currency? I ask because exchange rates are gonna be a pretty important factor in choosing a country to live in for your initial finances from your savings.

International Universities, as far as I know, should have fairly good dorms and student housing. Some countries governments also actually do grants for students attending college, although I do not know if that would apply to a foreign student attending an International University.

And I know I am blasting you with questions, but I have another important one: are you putting the university or country first when choosing?

 

[bl33ding_heart]

15k in what currency? I ask because exchange rates are gonna be a pretty important factor in choosing a country to live in for your initial finances from your savings.

International Universities, as far as I know, should have fairly good dorms and student housing. Some countries governments also actually do grants for students attending college, although I do not know if that would apply to a foreign student attending an International University.

And I know I am blasting you with questions, but I have another important one: are you putting the university or country first when choosing?

15k in pounds. And I'm most definitely putting the country first when choosing. I'm not too fond of the country I'm from and I've been wanting to move countries since I was 15.

 

[.idiot]

15k in pounds. And I'm most definitely putting the country first when choosing. I'm not too fond of the country I'm from and I've been wanting to move countries since I was 15.

You're English? In that case, Ireland could be a viable option.

English is spoken there as well as the primary language so you'd have no issues communicating with people there, and there's good quality universities as far as I know- Trinity if you're a high achiever, but the rent prices are sky high in Dublin and I don't know if Trinity has student housing like dorms or anything, so the University of Galway might be a better choice if you'd want to not deal with the ripoff prices of a big city, and Galway, if I recall correctly, is all the way to the West as opposed to Dublin being all the way to the East, so you'd be a little farther from England. I think Cork has a college too? Not sure how it handles International students however. Exchange rates between Pounds and Euros should be tolerable. Although you did say you aren't fond of your country, and Ireland is right next to England, so you might not feel far away enough or something.

I'd say to maybe look into Australia, but I hear their government is similarly on some Totalitarian bullshit like the UK is also on right now.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

You're English? In that case, Ireland could be a viable option.

English is spoken there as well as the primary language so you'd have no issues communicating with people there, and there's good quality universities as far as I know- Trinity if you're a high achiever, but the rent prices are sky high in Dublin and I don't know if Trinity has student housing like dorms or anything, so the University of Galway might be a better choice if you'd want to not deal with the ripoff prices of a big city, and Galway, if I recall correctly, is all the way to the West as opposed to Dublin being all the way to the East, so you'd be a little farther from England. I think Cork has a college too? Not sure how it handles International students however. Exchange rates between Pounds and Euros should be tolerable. Although you did say you aren't fond of your country, and Ireland is right next to England, so you might not feel far away enough or something.

I'd say to maybe look into Australia, but I hear their government is similarly on some Totalitarian bullshit like the UK is also on right now.

I'm just British not English lol, and funnily enough I was supposed to move to ireland when I was 9 years old and learn the Irish language (because it's compulsory in primary schools there) although that never ended up happening. All of the uk and ireland are too similar and I really want a new environment entirely. I was thinking of something like Singapore possibly, it has plenty of pretty good unis and it's a nice country altho a little pricey.

 

[.idiot]

I'm just British not English lol, and funnily enough I was supposed to move to ireland when I was 9 years old and learn the Irish language (because it's compulsory in primary schools there) although that never ended up happening. All of the uk and ireland are too similar and I really want a new environment entirely. I was thinking of something like Singapore possibly, it has plenty of pretty good unis and it's a nice country altho a little pricey.

I don't know much about Universities in Singapore, but I hear the country itself is a good place to live in, so yeah, I'd say you're on the right track looking into that place.

 

[cptsdfugue]

I usually don't fully comprehend how bad my childhood was and the extent to which it still affects me to this day. I know being severely mistreated as a child is the cause of my bpd of course. But I always think I'm over my childhood trauma simply because it doesn't occupy my mind most of the time, and the only thing really occupying my mind is the unbearable symptoms of my bpd and ocd. I still have nightmares of being beaten by my dad or of being assaulted, but I never see what I went through as a kid as something that detrimentally impacts my adult life. I had a dream last night that made me really rethink that. In the dream I was going on a trip somewhere with my siblings, and uncles and grandparents. On the way to the car I was made to carry the most heavy things possible, and I'm the physically weakest out of most of my family and siblings. I asked both of my siblings if they could help me out and they laughed at me and refused, and called me weak. When we actually got to the car everyone started getting in and seemed to completely forget there would be no space for me. I just asked "hey so where am I supposed to sit" and they just shoved me into some tiny and secluded space in the car while they all got to sit on a normal seat. I can't remember the rest of the dream clearly but all I can remember is being made fun of by my family and being treated horribly. And it felt so heartbreaking. For some time after I woke up those feelings of heartbreak were still lingering. I did often get left out and treated horribly by my family, although my siblings usually didn't treat me that badly. I genuinely thought I was done caring. I plan to move countries and start a new life far away from my family anyways. I don't want them to be apart of my future. Since I can so easily move away without a care in the world I didn't think my feelings could still be deeply hurt by them. But childhood wounds don't just suddenly disappear now that you're an adult. They turn into nasty scars that will probably stick with you until you die.

I relate heavily to you too. I have BPD as well and it was caused by being mistreated as a child, I feel like at times that I'll never heal because of what he did to me, I know that the scars will remain forever but I can try to find ways to patch them up, like spending time with my friends and doing things that I enjoy. You have the rest of your life to move away from your family and start a new life. Maybe the scars will still remain, but you have a future that you, only yourself, can decide. Well, that's what I like to think of anyways whenever I think about how my trauma will last forever...