Venting Miserable married life

[Misery99]

I never wanted to be in a marriage like this but the life circumstances led me to this. The man who married me is a couple years younger than me but he's obese because of his lack of physical activity and his eating habits. He's obsessed with eating food and I feel like I can't take a break from cooking for him. He's picky like a kid too... saying he wants this and that but never help me with any cooking or cleaning dishes. He doesn't wash his own plate after eating or doesn't wash his mug after he had drank coffee, tea or anything else. He doesn't ever help with any chores at the home ever even if he's spending free days at the home. I have to do all things by myself.

I do all the vaccum cleaning, laundry, cleaning bathrooms, taking out trash and even have to pick his shoes and clothes which he put all around the living room...he doesn't even fix bedsheets after waking up and I have to do it as well..it basically feels like I'm dealing with a child and not an actual adult man.

I'm a housewife so maybe in his mind he thinks that I should do all the things for him since I don't pay the rent. I earn some income from online tasks though which I spend to buy stuff I need and buy groceries for the house too some times. I don't like to ask him for money to buy anything which I specially need. His mother also lives with us at the apartment and it makes me feel even more miserable. I feel like he married me not because of love, but because he needed a submissive woman as a wife.

He also has a questionable friendship with an ex male worker too which makes me wonder if he's actually gay, or bisexual. I'm already very slim and petite and had lost few more pounds after moving with him probably because I have to do every little thing for him and I eat only a little bit of food from the food which I cook and give him more than the half of it to eat. He was telling me before that he was thinking about ways to lose weight and asked me for suggestions and I told him that if he wants to lose some weight, he can help around the chores at the home sometimes but he doesn't like that idea probably because his mom had taught him that those are only women's duties or something. He also doesn't brush his teeth everyday and because of that his breath stinks often and it feels miserable to kiss him when his breath stinks really bad.

 

[Cauliflour]

I've never been married but here's my advice. Live with a friend for a few months and only come back if he's learned to do his chores. Being able to clean and vaccum should be a mandatory skill at this point and I take it his mother doesn't care that much about chores either considering you said you do all the chores. Marriage isn't supposed to be gaining a mother replacement, it should be about 2 people who love each other trying to work together to start a new life.

 

[yotaka]

I'm sorry. This sounds absolutely awful. It seems like maybe you're in a country/culture with pretty strictly defined gender roles? I can't imagine you would stay in a situation like that unless it was hard to get out of...

 

[Misery99]

I've never been married but here's my advice. Live with a friend for a few months and only come back if he's learned to do his chores. Being able to clean and vaccum should be a mandatory skill at this point and I take it his mother doesn't care that much about chores either considering you said you do all the chores. Marriage isn't supposed to be gaining a mother replacement, it should be about 2 people who love each other trying to work together to start a new life.

Yes it's true. I think his mother is okay with his behavior because my partner had said that he had never done laundry ever in his lifetime... I can forgive him for that but the fact that he doesn't even wash his own plates after eating seems very disrespectful and it's such a rude and inconsiderate behavior...if someone had cooked food for me I would feel very grateful and I would not expect them to wash my plates after me eating too..the worst thing is he talks about wanting to have some children, but if we do have children, he would expect me to do all his stuff and the kids stuff too. I don't even desire to be a parent because of my depression.

And also I don't have any friends here in the United States. I moved to live here not too long ago and the only people I know here is my partner and his family members. So I'm completely alone and I feel like I'm stuck here, completely depending on my partner.

I'm sorry. This sounds absolutely awful. It seems like maybe you're in a country/culture with pretty strictly defined gender roles? I can't imagine you would stay in a situation like that unless it was hard to get out of...

Actually I'm living in the United States right now and my partner and his parents were born and raised here but they seem like they have pretty misogynist views when it comes to women and relationships...that could be the reason why my partner chose me because he said that he always wanted to marry a girl from a foreign country. That's probably because he wanted a submissive woman from a different culture...but even modern generation men in my own country are not that misogynistic when in comes to the responsibilities of marriage and relationships. I met my partner online and our relationship was almost all online except of the few times which we had met in real life so I didn't really know he was like this before moving with him to live here with him.

 

[ManOfTheYear]

I'm sorry. This sounds absolutely awful. It seems like maybe you're in a country/culture with pretty strictly defined gender roles? I can't imagine you would stay in a situation like that unless it was hard to get out of...

This is 100% a American culture thing. I literally lived through this myself.
Just a big warning. I have first hand experience being with an over weight man, it was the exact same situation you are in. You need to leave, please take this warning and leave. Do not let this person or his family keep you stuck, WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT GET PREGNANT. I guarantee you they will force you to stay around and become even more abusive, I know our society's doesn't see this as abuse per say, but being put into a position were you cant get out cause you do all the housework and have no money to leave, this is less than what a servant makes, you are being confined into what is practically slavery. Pls look at your situation from a 3rd person perspective, are you at beck and call? Do they get upset with you, or treat you less if you do not do the things they want that keep them happy?

 

[SASU-KE]

I'm guessing that you're from Asia?The treatment of women over there is pretty bad. Your husband isn't going to change. His family wouldn't change either. These traits are ingrained in them.

You need to get a lawyer and file for separation if you're feeling trapped and can't take it much longer. He will have to pay for the lawyer and you'll get half of everything. I'm not saying it'll be easy, I know it's going to take a toll on you mentally and emotionally. But every day will be better after that.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

This guy sounds like a piece of shit and you should leave him ASAP. I also think you should tell him off. Tell him what a worthless, disgusting piece of shit he is.