Mindless rants.

[Liammm]

I don't want alot of things. But that doesn't matter. All that matters are my titles. Son, husband, and at the crux, Christian.

The day I decided to put my soul, my feelings my thoughts on the altar and sacrifice them for God and my marriage, I have been naught but a husk. It's as if I breathe with no heart, act with no thought. All and every action is motivated by the fear of hell. And recently I've seen vitriolic hatred stirring within.

I don't feel ready for a kid. That doesn't matter, as my wife desperately wants one.
I dont want to have sex. That also doesn't matter because it is my biblical and husband duties.
Cutting is defiling the temple of God. Killing myself is not persevering until the end.
Being left leaning is bad, so irregardless of my feelings I will be right leaning.
Entertaining any kind of freedom of action is encouraging sin potentially, so I must not.

I lost my chance. I could have died already last week. There was a medical accident where I could have died. I was ok with dying. I was at peace. And I saw my wifes face. God gave me a choice. And I said I would struggle to survive for her. I wish I didn't.


In what I thought were my last moments, I shed a few tears, and I thought of one person. My friend. I'll never see them again. I cant, as that would be disrespectful to the wishes of my wife.

All that I do is for everyone but me. My body isn't mine, its the slut of everyone else's, not mine to choose what I want to do with. I can't even kill myself.

I can't listen to my favorite songs, can't listen to the same funny shows, can't be friends with my closeset friends.

Following God is suffering. But it's either suffer or go to hell so, wht can you do.

I'm not allowed to curse. I'm not allowed my own thoughts nor body. I'm not even technically allowed this short time I'm taking from work to home. I would want nothing more than to lay in the rain and stay here and sleep forever. But life sucks, and some of us were made to suffer. We are born, suffer, and then die. I just pray my time comes soon. Though I know I don't have the position to ask God of anything.

 

[Liammm]

Everytime I hear conversation about suicide its always the same bull. "It will get better!" "Think about your family!" It infuriates me that all these people think life is a fair thing that it is a fairy tail when no, some of us are born, suffer, and die and no one acknowledges that. It's infuriating, it's asinine! Don't tell me it gets better because it doesn't. It hasn't and it wont.

This religion wants me to play my part in the play with the role I was given, irregardless of how painful it is and then die of old age or some terrible method as long as it wasn't by my hand. The amount of hatred I feel in my bones, the vitriol. Is this not disgusting? Is that not crazy to anyone else to me??? I have to live through the suffering that arguably gets worse because reasons????? Everyone gets to live life how they want but the things I want are too insane, and so I must blend in with the crowd until death, but when I try to make that come sooner I'm insane ir unwell.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

i ask not just religious ones, but any pro-living or anyone . why do i have to live another minute? i haven't gotten an answer. i've asked it on here. no answer. because there isn't any. life is meaningless suffering. nothing matters except avoiding pain and suffering .

i won't accept any reason anyway. i will never surrender in my goal to kill myself asap .

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I don't feel ready for a kid. That doesn't matter, as my wife desperately wants one.
I dont want to have sex. That also doesn't matter because it is my biblical and husband duties.
Cutting is defiling the temple of God. Killing myself is not persevering until the end.
Being left leaning is bad, so irregardless of my feelings I will be right leaning.
Entertaining any kind of freedom of action is encouraging sin potentially, so I must not.

If you don't feel ready for a kid then you shouldn't have one. Putting aside my feelings about procreation in general, if you do plan on having kids then you shouldn't be having a kid unless you feel ready for them and you definitely shouldn't be having them while also suicidal. Your wife wanting them doesn't matter if you aren't ready for them. It's not about your wife at the end of the day, it's about said potential child and their well-being.

You also don't have to have sex if you don't want to. That isn't your duty as a husband. You have sex when you feel like it, don't force yourself into doing it just because some book that was written thousands of years ago and has probably been altered and shit tells you to.


There are also plenty of Christians who are left-leaning. Funnily enough, a lot of right-leaning views also go against the teachings of Christ. It's to a point where people even joke that many right-wingers would probably not like Jesus Christ if he were around today, due to many of his values going against their beliefs. Being left-leaning isn't bad at all.

If religion is causing you to suffer and is stifling then why bother with it? If these beliefs aren't helping you and are actively making you feel pressured into doing things that make you uncomfortable, then why don't you just not follow them? Why not just try thinking for yourself instead? What's the point of following something if it only leads to suffering?

Maybe it's because I'm an atheist, but I just don't get the point of putting up with this crap, especially when there is no solid evidence of any of the stuff behind it even being real. It's like you are putting yourself through so much for the sake of a God that may or may not exist just because some mess of a book said you have to.

 

[Liammm]

For once, the words don't come to me. I'm not even angry or upset anymore. I just want to lie down and sleep. All that ive said for the past year and more is just... whatever. is it weird that i don't care to make suicide notes? There is only one person that i wojld want to leave a note for. she was a real friend. ugh, I'm rambling again.

 

[Liammm]

The method doesn't really matter to me much? I'm just sick of being here. I genuinely hold so much contempt and hate in my bones, I find it difficult to not lash out. Everyone around me endlessly draw me to wrath, and yet it is my duty to not do the same.

In the days I decided to kill myself, I've done so, so much. I picked up an anti suicide program. I ramped up my efforts at work, my boss even noticed. I got alot of adult things done. And none of it was fuckin enough. Not for my wife, anyway.

I will try so god damned hard... and she will just offend me or make me mad and you know what I do? I hug her and tell her that I love her. Because what mattered was my action, not my feelings.

And all of this being said... am I just that shitty? I never intended to be. I always tried my hardest, tried to keep honor-- regardless if someone was looking or I would be punished. I tried. But it's never enough. I'm never enough. god i miss my friends so much. i didn't have to be anything else with them. i could just be me.

I'm thinking of forcing my hand, as in fuckin up my life so bad that i have bo other option but to ctb. Otherwise, there is a bridge in my hometown that i would like to visit. I dont think SN is a good idea because my wife opens my packages, and I'm not tryna get in more conflict with her. I just want to go. I was thinking of scheduling some messages for my friend but idk. Maybe it'd be better for me to just go. I just want to talk to her again. Not just her, my other friends too-- all of them... and I wish i wasn't given this sex.

 

[Apathy79]

In what I thought were my last moments, I shed a few tears, and I thought of one person. My friend. I'll never see them again.

There is only one person that i wojld want to leave a note for. she was a real friend.

I just want to talk to her again.

When did you last speak with her? Were you close friends? Is it just your wife holding you back from seeing her again?

She sounds like the real most important person in your life. And if you've committed your life to God, and God communicates to you through your subconscious, it seems to me she's the key to your path, not someone to be avoided. But admittedly that's just going off your few comments in this thread.

 

[Liammm]

When did you last speak with her? Were you close friends? Is it just your wife holding you back from seeing her again?

She sounds like the real most important person in your life. And if you've committed your life to God, and God communicates to you through your subconscious, it seems to me she's the key to your path, not someone to be avoided. But admittedly that's just going off your few comments in this thread.

I don't remember exactly, but I last spoke with her earlier this year. I had to sneak to talk to her, because my wife doesn't want me being friends with her. She is my close friend and I love her to death. You wouldnt be wrong at all in saying that, since we were kids, she has always been supportive and loving. She is honestly an angel in my life as funny as that may seem.

That being said, i made a promise to my wife and God concerning this marriage. And i can't just let that go. Right now my religion is really going down a cult-y path and I know that. It wasn't always like this but I had to change my religious views on God/core beliefs to appease my wife. It made life so much better for her so far.

 

[Apathy79]

Is marriage really an irreversible mistake? I'm trying to work out the true block to ending it. Is it really fear of her catching the bus? Let's say worst case scenario, you leave and she does. Well that means if you ctb, she also does, which is where this is heading anyway isn't it? The end is the same. And it's her decision regardless, not yours. And frankly is it really the worst thing, even for her?

I heard a quote recently "all the best things in life are on the other side of a few hard conversations". Where do you really belong?

I realise I'm way overstepping my mark here and unsolicited advice is more frustrating than helpful. I guess I'm just venting too. It's nothing you haven't thought about I'm sure. I guess I hope it helps to get validation of that line of thinking from the outside.

 

[Stan Swiftie]

I don't want alot of things. But that doesn't matter. All that matters are my titles. Son, husband, and at the crux, Christian.

The day I decided to put my soul, my feelings my thoughts on the altar and sacrifice them for God and my marriage, I have been naught but a husk. It's as if I breathe with no heart, act with no thought. All and every action is motivated by the fear of hell. And recently I've seen vitriolic hatred stirring within.

I don't feel ready for a kid. That doesn't matter, as my wife desperately wants one.
I dont want to have sex. That also doesn't matter because it is my biblical and husband duties.
Cutting is defiling the temple of God. Killing myself is not persevering until the end.
Being left leaning is bad, so irregardless of my feelings I will be right leaning.
Entertaining any kind of freedom of action is encouraging sin potentially, so I must not.

I lost my chance. I could have died already last week. There was a medical accident where I could have died. I was ok with dying. I was at peace. And I saw my wifes face. God gave me a choice. And I said I would struggle to survive for her. I wish I didn't.


In what I thought were my last moments, I shed a few tears, and I thought of one person. My friend. I'll never see them again. I cant, as that would be disrespectful to the wishes of my wife.

All that I do is for everyone but me. My body isn't mine, its the slut of everyone else's, not mine to choose what I want to do with. I can't even kill myself.

I can't listen to my favorite songs, can't listen to the same funny shows, can't be friends with my closeset friends.

Following God is suffering. But it's either suffer or go to hell so, wht can you do.

I'm not allowed to curse. I'm not allowed my own thoughts nor body. I'm not even technically allowed this short time I'm taking from work to home. I would want nothing more than to lay in the rain and stay here and sleep forever. But life sucks, and some of us were made to suffer. We are born, suffer, and then die. I just pray my time comes soon. Though I know I don't have the position to ask God of anything.

Nowhere in the Bible is it explicitly written that suicide sends us to Hell. Not in any book, chapter, or verse. I've looked many times.
I'm not going to Hell because I'm gonna commit suicide...
I'm going to Hell because I hold God accountable for His bullshit.
And He doesn't like that.
He's prepared me for Hell for 50 years...
I'm ready for it.
I'd rather suffer in the real Hell where He can no longer watch me & not give a shit about me...
Than to suffer in the Hell on Earth He cursed me with... Laughing at my pain & misery.

 

[Liammm]

Is marriage really an irreversible mistake? I'm trying to work out the true block to ending it.

I realise I'm way overstepping my mark here and unsolicited advice is more frustrating than helpful. I guess I'm just venting too. It's nothing you haven't thought about I'm sure. I guess I hope it helps to get validation of that line of thinking from the outside.

No, I am really thankful for your words. I think the main block is my own fear of change, coupled with my religious anxiety. While yes, it used to scare me when her life was in danger, it doesn't motivate me to death. It's just the fear and anxiety I think.

And more... my sense of service. When I think deeply on it, I think about her family and my family, how if I were to break my marriage it would be difficult to navigate and it would not be a good example to them of a godly man. Idk...

 

[Liammm]

I want to die today. Nothing else matters to me. I'm frustrated, if I bought sn like I was supposed to months ago I would die today. This moment, where I dont care about fear or anything at all, I dont even care to write a note i just want to go and I cant. I'm brainstorming things I could do but theres no water, theres no bridge, I have no gun no poison. Fuck. Fuck fucj fuck fuck fuck.
Of course it has to be so god damned difficult. I slit my wrists, i risk getting caught and fucking over my family. If i kill myself i dont want to fucking fuck over my family. I can't access 99% of my meds cause they are home with my wife, every fucking over the counter med is suicide proof, there isnt even a secluded fucking pond i could drown in anywhere near me. Maybe i just dont fucking god damned want it enough. As fucking furious as i am i dont want to slit my wrists cause id most likely fail and that fucks over my family for job and insurance purposes. god fucking damnit. What else is there? Fucking crash the car? My wife needs this car. Fucking stand off with the cops? Also fucks over my family. Fuck man. Maybe ill just take every fuckin pill i have with me and otc and just fuckin see what happens. I just dont want to be a fucking vegetable and be stuck here for the rest of this god damned life. holy fucking shit i suck at literally everything included fucking killing myself god damn. Theres no information. No fucking information to do something now right now. And it makes me fucking furious because i only have so little time to myself left before i have to fucking see my family and act like a god damned person for one more fucking day. I god fucking damn hate literally-- FUCK. I cant even fucking cut because my body gets fucking inspected tommorow holy shit. cant fucking transition, cant fucking kill myself. Holy fucking shit.
It just doesn't matter does it? There is nothing. No hope. I hate it. I hate this. I hate everyone. Everything.

 

[Liammm]

How i feel? God hates me. There is no comfort from him and simultaneously it is my fault why.

I know works dont save you. But you reap what you sow. I gave literally everything into loving everyone. And where does that get me? Here. Fucking here. Trapped in a marriage where i dont matter. I dont exist. And when i want to kill myself im told i cant.

im tired. So so tired. I know that i dont have access to deadly meds but i want to just start swallowing pills.

My body has been defiled and taken advantage of all my life. And you know what i did with that? I loved people. When it was hard. When it hurt. I loved them. And now i am alone. All alone.

All that i did for others was for nothing. Giving my food when i was hungry. Giving to the needy when i had nothing.

But i wraught this on myself. For every good thing i have done, I've done bad. And so i deserve what happens to me. I deserve this torment and pain. i deserve to be alone. To suffer.