Mind messed up

[yellowjasminegoing]

When I wake, I notice that in sleep and I don't want to die and have no intention of going through with ctb. After a few minutes of reminding myself of the reality of my situation, it all comes back and I am certain it is the one best solution to my existence. How do I go about remaining suicidal in sleep? I don't understand why I subconsciously change my mind in sleep. It's exhausting and frightening.

I had set a date for my ctb a day ago, but things came up and some circumstances changed which made it possible for me to do it in a safer way (to not be found before time), this is why I'm still here. Yet, I'm still planning to ctb and likely in this following week, but since the most urgent factor in my suicidality has been canceled, (court hearing) I am now doing it for the original reasons I had to begin with (side effects and long term forced medication of psychiatric drugs and psychiatric abuse meaning severe traumatising abuse from staff)

How do I remain suicidal in my sleep? I feel like I have to reason with reality all over again every time I wake up.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I can imagine it must be very tiring having to deal with the change in thoughts. I do not understand why that would happen either. It sounds like you have been through a lot. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[myopybyproxy]

this makes complete sense, op. you're not crazy. i get flashes of 'will to live' as well, though it doesn't happen as regularly as you describe with sleep but rather randomly during the day - sometimes i go many days without, sometimes it happens multiple times in one day.

the way i see it, it's because people are not inherently born suicidal - it goes against the biological wiring that keeps the species alive - but become so due to various reasons inflicted upon them by society and consciousness more generally. thus whenever i'm forced to deal with reality, i'm reminded 'oh wait, this is exactly why i want to be dead', whereupon the desire to die returns.

it's easy enough to /want/ to live when you're in a little bubble away from the horrors of reality - but good luck maintaining that innocent and cheery mindset once you're in the real world and it keeps fucking you over.