BornofDust
Student
- Dec 11, 2020
- 132
I'm about to be costed a job opportunity.
And might get kicked out of University soon.I don't see any future for me at this point.
Everyone either ignores me or mocks and belittles me.
I have medical bills to pay and Tuition to pay next month. And now my parents are about to ruin a job opportunity because they insist on being in control of everything. In spite of them also planning to kick me out. I have medical bills I gotta pay after a hospital stay about a few months ago. I have no money. No life. And no motivation. I hate the fact that I'm crying right now but I am.
I've tried to play the game of society just to get screwed over. Now I have a reputation as a weirdo. I can't feel much joy much anymore. While I'm "calm."now, I can feel the despair just underneath the surface, ready to rise. The toxic shame is ever present in me, even with Meditation and Stoicism. I'm trying to accept my situation as it is, but at the same time, my shame just feels a part of me. Currently I don't feel it, but I might soon.Shame of my existence. Shame of who I am. Shame in my inability to connect with others.
I've tried to self-improve, but all of that seems to be backfiring. My meditation has made me ten times more aware of my emotions. Including my utter shame.I'm trying to follow the tenants of mediation and stoicism. But I feel so trapped. Its so hard. I'm.about to lose everything. Even my own sanity. I woke up so angry. Now I'm calm but I still feel the undercurrents of despair
And now my family is about to destroy all of my efforts in one fell swoop while st the same time planning to leave me homeless soon. They refused to helped me when I begged for help and now is taking control of my life once again.
8
No one has ever been there for me. Only bullied, belittled, abused, mocked and control me. And people who said they loved me, did nothing but smear me and my reputation behind my
back. My disability caused me to be seen as a freak and not do simple task that regular people can do. Sometimes I wish I was normal. Calling me retarded, even my own former bosses would make fun of my disability.
Yes this is a bit impulsive I'll admit, but today made me realize that things are only going to get worst from here. I truly hate my existence. I'm just a pawn to this universe. And I want out. I don't have any control over my life st all. But I'm glad at least I get control off my death.
I'm a grown man and I have absolutely no control over my life. How much longer can I hold on. I'm trying to hold on, Especially in a house that clearly despise me. I have no where else to go. No where to turn. I feel like I'm crumbling.
I'm so drained. I'm so tired. I'm so exhausted. I'm running out of energy to continue. Howong must I take this.
This might be just letting out steam and only temporary feeling ( I have a feeling not.) But I really just want to live. And for me the only way to live is to die.
And might get kicked out of University soon.I don't see any future for me at this point.
Everyone either ignores me or mocks and belittles me.
I have medical bills to pay and Tuition to pay next month. And now my parents are about to ruin a job opportunity because they insist on being in control of everything. In spite of them also planning to kick me out. I have medical bills I gotta pay after a hospital stay about a few months ago. I have no money. No life. And no motivation. I hate the fact that I'm crying right now but I am.
I've tried to play the game of society just to get screwed over. Now I have a reputation as a weirdo. I can't feel much joy much anymore. While I'm "calm."now, I can feel the despair just underneath the surface, ready to rise. The toxic shame is ever present in me, even with Meditation and Stoicism. I'm trying to accept my situation as it is, but at the same time, my shame just feels a part of me. Currently I don't feel it, but I might soon.Shame of my existence. Shame of who I am. Shame in my inability to connect with others.
I've tried to self-improve, but all of that seems to be backfiring. My meditation has made me ten times more aware of my emotions. Including my utter shame.I'm trying to follow the tenants of mediation and stoicism. But I feel so trapped. Its so hard. I'm.about to lose everything. Even my own sanity. I woke up so angry. Now I'm calm but I still feel the undercurrents of despair
And now my family is about to destroy all of my efforts in one fell swoop while st the same time planning to leave me homeless soon. They refused to helped me when I begged for help and now is taking control of my life once again.
8
No one has ever been there for me. Only bullied, belittled, abused, mocked and control me. And people who said they loved me, did nothing but smear me and my reputation behind my
back. My disability caused me to be seen as a freak and not do simple task that regular people can do. Sometimes I wish I was normal. Calling me retarded, even my own former bosses would make fun of my disability.
Yes this is a bit impulsive I'll admit, but today made me realize that things are only going to get worst from here. I truly hate my existence. I'm just a pawn to this universe. And I want out. I don't have any control over my life st all. But I'm glad at least I get control off my death.
I'm a grown man and I have absolutely no control over my life. How much longer can I hold on. I'm trying to hold on, Especially in a house that clearly despise me. I have no where else to go. No where to turn. I feel like I'm crumbling.
I'm so drained. I'm so tired. I'm so exhausted. I'm running out of energy to continue. Howong must I take this.
This might be just letting out steam and only temporary feeling ( I have a feeling not.) But I really just want to live. And for me the only way to live is to die.
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