futileflutters
Cognitively Immobile Borderline Disast-her
- Jul 14, 2020
- 21
I'm tired of being mentally sick, I'm tired of being trans and feeling like a shitty imitation of how I should have been born, I'm tired of my quiet BPD pushing me to make stupid fucking decisions even when I know better, and I'm tired of my anxiety and depression making everything so much more difficult.
I spend more hours a day thinking about suicide or my own murder than I do anything else. For 8 years it is probably my only consistent goal, I had no expectation of making it to 20 and idk what to do now. I failed my way through school and dropped out of college cause I had no plans to live or do anything with myself but off myself. So for the in between now to when I have a successful attempt (Third times the charm) I don't know what to do or how to exist. Half the time I want to get into a fight not cause I want to take my anger out on someone but because I want them to beat the crap out of me like I deserve
I just want to go to sleep peacefully with someone holding me and not wake up, but that isn't something you can ask anyone to do. To hold you as you poison yourself and die. Doesn't really make a difference anyways when I don't get to hug anyone more than once every few months for a couple seconds.
I don't know what the point of this was. I'm just tired of only feeling okay when I'm high off my ass or drunk and I can't wait for the day soon where I can sleep uninterrupted forever. (Or at least be able to afford better alcohol for the day to day.)
I spend more hours a day thinking about suicide or my own murder than I do anything else. For 8 years it is probably my only consistent goal, I had no expectation of making it to 20 and idk what to do now. I failed my way through school and dropped out of college cause I had no plans to live or do anything with myself but off myself. So for the in between now to when I have a successful attempt (Third times the charm) I don't know what to do or how to exist. Half the time I want to get into a fight not cause I want to take my anger out on someone but because I want them to beat the crap out of me like I deserve
I just want to go to sleep peacefully with someone holding me and not wake up, but that isn't something you can ask anyone to do. To hold you as you poison yourself and die. Doesn't really make a difference anyways when I don't get to hug anyone more than once every few months for a couple seconds.
I don't know what the point of this was. I'm just tired of only feeling okay when I'm high off my ass or drunk and I can't wait for the day soon where I can sleep uninterrupted forever. (Or at least be able to afford better alcohol for the day to day.)
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