Mental suffering and unfulfilled sexual desire

[LenkaX]

Is it only me that I think that all my mental suffering is just because of unfulfilled sexual desire?
I don't know what true teen love is. I had only one sexual relationship later in my life. I suffered badly on a university since I was completely isolated and rejected by the opposite sex. If I was handsome and if I was born into rich family, I would get plenty of sex and therefore my life would be beautiful and meaningful.
What's you experience or view on this?

 

[rt1989526]

Yes I have had problems in my earlier life with performance anxiety and personality disorder that prevented me from fulfilling sexual relationships . Then I began to question whether I was homosexual which created identity crisis and severe OCD. Now as a result of antidepressants I am sexually dysfunctional. There is no point for me to exist. I have never experienced it, it's very pathetic and shameful.

 

[Superdeterminist]

I haven't ever experienced any intimacy and this has certainly affected me in a negative way. However, I can also see that getting some wouldn't immediately cure my negative outlook on life. That said, it may help somewhat, maybe even significantly, depending on the individual. I think it's important for people to experience romance so that they can really appreciate that it's not the absolute meaning of life. If they never do, they may always be resentful and/or be left wondering (I am like this sometimes), and no amount of reassurance by others may help.

 

[Desi]

It's not the sex, it's the affection, the little gestures, the presence, the eyes looking at you.
the sex can be great, though.

 

[Dookieshoes]

I don't think anyone should equate quality or beauty of life to amount of sex experienced. There are literally millions of other things on the earth to experience.

Pursue a hobby, learn a new skill, find a project to build, spend time in the sun. Once you find some enjoyment in the world you might open up new possibilities.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

If I was handsome and if I was born into rich family, I would get plenty of sex and therefore my life would be beautiful and meaningful.

You could also become addicted to the sensation rather than the connection and be equally consumed by the having or not having, and still not have a beautiful or meaningful life.

 

[Lost Girl xx]

I have so much mental suffering because of my sexual dysfunction, but it's not all based on that. I'd give ANYTHING just to feel something during sex. Mental illness prevents me from doing any of that. I am pretty and can have sex with any guy I want practically, but it doesn't change anything for me. I don't think being raped or losing your virginity to rape helps with that tbh. If someone loved me and tried to help me get some sexual desire back, I probably wouldn't want to die so bad though...

 

[favourite]

I've been longing all my life for affection and meaningful relationship, but those few I had only left me bitter and unwanted. And yeah, frustration has been growing steadily for the past 6 years.

 

[timeisnigh]

What's you experience or view on this?

Well, since you asked! :-)

Is it only me that I think that all my mental suffering is just because of unfulfilled sexual desire?

Doubt it's just because of that.

I don't know what true teen love is.

I didn't either. While I'm also not doing great*, take it from me: that's far from my biggest fish to fry. I'm guessing it's not the biggest for you, either.

I had only one sexual relationship later in my life.

Yeah, if you add up the attributes from everyone I've dated, it amounts to one "real" adult relationship. feelsbadman.jpeg

But again: other things still, as far as I can tell and sexological studies reveal, hurt worse.

I suffered badly on a university since I was completely isolated and rejected by the opposite sex.

So, to be totally clear, I'm not negating that experience. It does suck. But ...

If I was handsome and if I was born into rich family, I would get plenty of sex ...

This argument doesn't follow, and even if it did

...and therefore my life would be beautiful and meaningful.

Then this one would not.

*I'm on SaSu, FFS

your post

This. You understand.

I don't think anyone should equate quality or beauty of life to amount of sex experienced.

Agree.

There are literally millions of other things on the earth to experience.

Does that argument really hold water? Experiencing those millions of other things while being deprived of a pretty basic biological drive doesn't follow.

Pursue a hobby, learn a new skill, find a project to build, spend time in the sun.

Agree.

Once you find some enjoyment in the world you might open up new possibilities.

Not to go for an "agree, then disagree" pattern, but doing stuff in hopes of opportunities opening always set me up for massive let downs.

You could also become addicted to the sensation rather than the connection and be equally consumed by the having or not having, and still not have a beautiful or meaningful life.

It gets worse: you could pull constantly, not be terribly consumed by addiction, and just think eh I can get it whenever, who cares? leading to the pleasure of sex disappearing altogether. All this, unrelated to the beauty or meaning of life. Which, hopefully it's clear that I agree with @Dookieshoes to establish those independently of coitus.

I have so much mental suffering because of my sexual dysfunction

Condolences

but it's not all based on that.

Exactly my point, in case I've not made myself clear.

I'd give ANYTHING just to feel something during sex. Mental illness prevents me from doing any of that.

Condolences again

I am pretty and can have sex with any guy I want practically, but it doesn't change anything for me. (emphasis added)

I've run into this type before. Demonstrates again my point to the peanut gallery

 

[donquixote42]

Disclaimer: Everybody's different, what applies to me, might not apply to you and vice versa. As an asexual being, I do not have full understanding of sexual needs for the vast majority of people, but I would like to contribute my take on this regardless. Allosexuals, feel free to correct me.

For me personally, being in a romantic relationship does not have a significant effect on my depression. Sure enough, when I was single, I often attributed my woes to the lack of a relationship. However, after getting into one, I found that instead of being fulfilled, I simply came up with a substitute reason for why I am a worthless human being (so to speak)

From what I understand, sexual activity alone can provide temporary release, but it probably doesn't have any long-term positive effects. Companionship on the other hand can have profound positive effects, but these can be overshadowed by whatever mental illness you are suffering from.

 

[Dookieshoes]

Does that argument really hold water? Experiencing those millions of other things while being deprived of a pretty basic biological drive doesn't follow.

No one is being deprived of a basic biological drive. Someone is just not getting laid, and fixating on it. Surpress the drive manually, and move on with a clear head.

Not to go for an "agree, then disagree" pattern, but doing stuff in hopes of opportunities opening always set me up for massive let downs

But you're doing a good job of it! One should pursue things for the enjoyment and enrichment. Other things MIGHT happen, but it should not be the sole reason for the journey. Sitting still expecting a change or complaining about lacking is a terrible approach. This, of course, has been my opinion.

 

[rt1989526]

No one is being deprived of a basic biological drive. Someone is just not getting laid, and fixating on it. Surpress the drive manually, and move on with a clear head.

It becomes an issue when you can't fit in in society because of it. I've been ridiculed for being single at my past 5 places of employment to the point where I had to leave. You just don't fit in as an asexual.

 

[Dookieshoes]

Of course it does! No one is being deprived of a basic biological drive. Someone is just not getting laid, and fixating on it. Surpress the drive manually, and move on with a clear head.



But you're doing a good job of it! One should pursue things for the enjoyment and enrichment. Other things MIGHT happen, but it should not be the sole reason for the journey. Sitting still expecting a change or complaining about lacking is a terrible approach. This, of course, has been my opinion.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I've been alone my entire life but that was never the cause of my problems. Sure, it didn't help things at all but I would've been just fine on my own if other things had not happened to me. The kind of problems where having things external to yourself just wouldn't fix.

 

[timeisnigh]

No one is being deprived of a basic biological drive. Someone is just not getting laid, and fixating on it.

Ok, yes, I stipulate that "deprived" was a very VERY poor choice of words on my part. And, TMI but I'm not some guy who goes out and meets a lot of women.

Surpress the drive manually, and move on with a clear head.

Ultimately, my contention with your argument is essentially what I do "eh, socializing isn't my forte, so I'm not going to fixate on it." My point is that while I pull it off, giving that advice to others rings hollow.

But you're doing a good job of it!

Thanks. I was highlighting it out of politeness/to encourage a variation of wikipedia's "assume good faith." I see how far that got me.

One should pursue things for the enjoyment and enrichment. Other things MIGHT happen, but it should not be the sole reason for the journey.

This might be me misreading, but your original wording did not come across this way.

Sitting still expecting a change or complaining about lacking is a terrible approach.

Yes.

This, of course, has been my opinion.

You're cool with me if I'm cool with you. Same team, and all that.

 

[Dookieshoes]

It becomes an issue when you can't fit in in society because of it. I've been ridiculed for being chronically single at my past 3 places of employment to the point where I had to switch employers. You just don't fit in as an asexual.

And that might be a side effect of how comfortable you are with telling someone to mind their own damned business. Sounds like someone else's problem not yours.

 

[rt1989526]

And that might be a side effect of how comfortable you are with telling someone to mind their own damned business. Sounds like someone else's problem not yours.

Fair point. Has been difficult for me to fit in the office culture as a result, but I am admittedly not the best at keeping others at bay. The Christmas parties, BBQs and the after work events where everyone brings a spouse and all that shit. I just can't do it.

 

[Dookieshoes]

Thanks. I was highlighting it out of politeness/to encourage a variation of wikipedia's "assume good faith." I see how far that got me.

Intended to be lighthearted and jokey. My bad.

This might be me misreading, but your original wording did not come across this way.

Could also be the way I expressed it originally.

You're cool with me if I'm cool with you. Same team, and all that.

Most definitely

EDIT
@timeisnigh also, just realized that my smile and thumbs up did not appear in my responses, which probably didn't help with my tone.

 

[timeisnigh]

Intended to be lighthearted and jokey. My bad.

Naw it's cool. I should've continued assuming good faith.

 

[Dookieshoes]

Fair point. Has been difficult for me to fit in the office culture as a result, but I am admittedly not the best at keeping others at bay. The Christmas parties, BBQs and the after work events where everyone brings a spouse and all that shit. I just can't do it.

I hear that. I can't stand the phony nature, so I don't participate in holiday nonsense. I will go out for a happy hour, or for a retirement to give someone well wishings. I always fly solo, and I'm happy to tell people where they can stuff their boundary-breaking bullshit.

 

[rt1989526]

I hear that. I can't stand the phony nature, so I don't participate in holiday nonsense. I will go out for a happy hour, or for a retirement to give someone well wishings. I always fly solo, and I'm happy to tell people where they can stuff their boundary-breaking bullshit.

I can't seem to escape it. Every employer is promoting this family style office culture where people are just so up in your shit. I can't deal with it, and I can't escape it. I just get ridiculed for it constantly.

 

[Dookieshoes]

I can't seem to escape it. Every employer is promoting this family style office culture where people are just so up in your shit. I can't deal with it, and I can't escape it. I just get ridiculed for it constantly.

Is it mainly older folks? I feel like some just can't believe that people don't approach life in the same manner.

 

[greyo]

I don't know what true teen love is.

I read this book by Michel Houellebecq, Extension du Domaine de la Lutte (translated to english as "Whatever") and he sort of theorises that the lack of teen love halts your (social? sexual?) development. What is your opinion about this?

 

[Emily_Numb]

No. I've fucked circa 100 people and I'm still depressed as hell.

 

[timeisnigh]

No. I've fucked circa 100 people and I'm still depressed as hell.

Yup. Knew a woman at over 70 partners of both sexes, for more or less a new person every 2 months, totally unfulfilled with her life and consumed with self doubt.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

For me, it's only one small piece of the puzzle, but it wouldn't be anywhere enough for me to want to die if everything else was going well. Like you, I never experienced it at all as a teenager, but that changed when I was 24. It was fun and everything, but I failed to have an emotional connection with the gf I had so we broke up and I've been single ever since. A few times I've considered possibly dating again, but it always seems like too much work to even bother with, especially when I am as messed up in the head as I am. There was only one occasion where I could possibly have had a chance to experience it again since then, but I was too afraid to risk becoming attached to her or having her become attached to me. I sensed danger, so I became as unsociable as possible, without being a total asshole and that was the end of it.

Now that I have decided that I'm not going to live past 35, which is when I plan to CTB, I definitely cannot risk complicating things by letting someone else into my life like that. I suppose there is still the possibility of having a one night stand, but once again, it's too risky and too much work. The only reason I even have the desire in the first place is because of some stupid biological instinct. If not for that, I would be perfectly content to be a loner for the rest of my days.

 

[Meditation guide]

I don't think being raped or losing your virginity to rape helps with that tbh. If someone loved me and tried to help me get some sexual desire back, I probably wouldn't want to die so bad though...

I understand. Sex is over rated. If you don't enjoy it don't have it and if you like some guy and he's not ok with that oh well. Bye bye on to the next one.

Do not go around telling people that you need help with sex or you will get nothing but creeps. Keep all that to yourself. And watch out for fake people that just want to use you.

 

[262653]

I'm convinced that our primal overlords (at least of animals in general don't give a shit if we are capable of securing the objectives they're imposing upon us. Cage an animal without any food and it would still experience hunger. Deliver a lethal wound and it would still strive to stay alive. I've heard a phrase from some buddhist, approx, suffering happens when one wants more than one has, but how can one quench all those unreasonable wants? I see only one way out of this predicament...

But about sex, I don't have much to say about it due to lack of experience. I do have something to say about the urges. Sometimes I feel trapped whenever I experience them. Satisfying the urge causes a mood spike, but what then? Then I'm left with the knowledge that I will spend the rest of the day without such intense pleasure. I crave for more when my body is already exhausted. I also have to take a shower in order to avoid of this unpleasant wet feeling. That's extra effort I'd rather not apply. It just doesn't feel like it was worth it. But if I'm not satisfying the urge, I experience yearning, and that doesn't feel good either. I think I'd rather feel nothing than any of these, which means I'd rather be asexual.

 

[mathieu]

I get enough sex lately but I am rejected by everyone I like and that makes me want to CTB. Recently I got insulted by someone I messaged and I am in a dark place now.

 

[DeadButDreaming]

Kurt Cobain was one of the best-looking men I've ever seen (no homo), had plenty of cash, and could have had just about any girl he wanted but still killed himself.

I think it's mostly genetic.