Nobodysfault
"If my soul be lost, its nobodys fault but mine"
- Mar 21, 2019
- 119
"I breath yet i am not alive"
My life came down to a point that i have no way of fixing things and i make things worse every single day and whenever i find another thing ive wrecked my heart suffer even more, living like this is misery but i cant accept dying because i dont hate the concept of living, on the contrary i love it and wish i could enjoy it but i ruined my life so so much that there is no other known way but death.
I dont want who i am to die and dive into nothingness, i want my scars and problems to vanish and live as me, sadly its not an option.
Everytime i think about suicide my mental SI kicks in and dwell into an imaginary world, a world where my problems will be solved in non realistic ways.(time traveling)
The reason i get so unrealistic is what i mentioned above and also because i think it must be possible and maybe there is an unknown way of time traviling / not out to the public and this crazy feeling makes me feel as a man begging for his life and hoping a cure that is out of reach will save his life.
There are other, not that extreme lies my mental SI gives me to clam my self down and act as if everything is ok/going to be okay and those are sleep(When i dream i have no problems so i sleep over 14 hours a day),distractions and fake normality - i can not be alone because the feeling of not wanting but needing to commit suicide is a huge mind fuck.
It is so hard for me to except death and it feels as if i grief for myself, I know time travel or magic doesnt exist (yet?) but i am even more afraid of really excepting that no one is going to help me and with that truth to stay shocked and not having the balls to kill myself.
I need to commit suicide,Please help me accept it..
My life came down to a point that i have no way of fixing things and i make things worse every single day and whenever i find another thing ive wrecked my heart suffer even more, living like this is misery but i cant accept dying because i dont hate the concept of living, on the contrary i love it and wish i could enjoy it but i ruined my life so so much that there is no other known way but death.
I dont want who i am to die and dive into nothingness, i want my scars and problems to vanish and live as me, sadly its not an option.
Everytime i think about suicide my mental SI kicks in and dwell into an imaginary world, a world where my problems will be solved in non realistic ways.(time traveling)
The reason i get so unrealistic is what i mentioned above and also because i think it must be possible and maybe there is an unknown way of time traviling / not out to the public and this crazy feeling makes me feel as a man begging for his life and hoping a cure that is out of reach will save his life.
There are other, not that extreme lies my mental SI gives me to clam my self down and act as if everything is ok/going to be okay and those are sleep(When i dream i have no problems so i sleep over 14 hours a day),distractions and fake normality - i can not be alone because the feeling of not wanting but needing to commit suicide is a huge mind fuck.
It is so hard for me to except death and it feels as if i grief for myself, I know time travel or magic doesnt exist (yet?) but i am even more afraid of really excepting that no one is going to help me and with that truth to stay shocked and not having the balls to kill myself.
I need to commit suicide,Please help me accept it..
