noon
tired
- Sep 14, 2019
- 34
today has been too much for me to handle. I'm going to vent a bit before getting into what I plan on doing for the rest of the evening.
my heart's been aching for months, I don't talk about that much with people. I've learned and am still learning to expect much less than what I'd like. the things I've wanted and maybe needed. . . I'm in the process of convincing myself I don't. the things that used to hurt me can't even hurt me anymore because I am just numb to it now, as I know it'll just happen again eventually. people aren't perfect, but I am just tired of the constant hurt, the conversations I feel like I'm not always heard in, the apologies I've come to hate hearing each time. I don't want that anymore. I'm a lot to handle as I have bpd, but I do not believe in the slightest that I am unlovable and that I am not deserving of the things I want out of this life- mostly love. I deserve that, and after an entire childhood receiving none of it from the people I was supposed to receive it from and a couple of failed, abusive relationships. . . no, I absolutely do deserve the love I want. I've been in pain for too long. all I've ever wanted was to share my life with someone and vice versa- make it ours. I don't want to be alone, but I am losing hope and I am getting too tired.
I lit a candle I swore I'd never light unless things finally felt good and okay- things are not good or okay, but it's all part of my plan for this evening. as I type this, I feel certain that suicide is just the way I'll go. I don't go out much to be possibly killed on the street or something related. I never did order sn and don't think I'll plan to. I'm considering hanging myself now. tonight, I will enjoy this candle as much as I can, take a nice shower, take good care of myself, wear some really comfy clothes and listen to some really nice music. maybe I'll even play a couple games. I will be here for myself the way I wish others were for me. tomorrow, I will do more cleaning and organizing of my belongings. I plan to throw most things away.
if by the end of all of these things I still feel the way I do as I type this, maybe it's meant. I told my best friend tonight about these feelings and the person I very deeply care for and adore so much does not know what is even going on. I feel like I am too much for them and I don't want to make their seemingly good night a sad one with these feelings. honestly, I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish I could recover and live this life out with them. sounds pretty pathetic, but what is even more is that I had hope for there being a chance of them having a tiny bit of love for me.
my heart's been aching for months, I don't talk about that much with people. I've learned and am still learning to expect much less than what I'd like. the things I've wanted and maybe needed. . . I'm in the process of convincing myself I don't. the things that used to hurt me can't even hurt me anymore because I am just numb to it now, as I know it'll just happen again eventually. people aren't perfect, but I am just tired of the constant hurt, the conversations I feel like I'm not always heard in, the apologies I've come to hate hearing each time. I don't want that anymore. I'm a lot to handle as I have bpd, but I do not believe in the slightest that I am unlovable and that I am not deserving of the things I want out of this life- mostly love. I deserve that, and after an entire childhood receiving none of it from the people I was supposed to receive it from and a couple of failed, abusive relationships. . . no, I absolutely do deserve the love I want. I've been in pain for too long. all I've ever wanted was to share my life with someone and vice versa- make it ours. I don't want to be alone, but I am losing hope and I am getting too tired.
I lit a candle I swore I'd never light unless things finally felt good and okay- things are not good or okay, but it's all part of my plan for this evening. as I type this, I feel certain that suicide is just the way I'll go. I don't go out much to be possibly killed on the street or something related. I never did order sn and don't think I'll plan to. I'm considering hanging myself now. tonight, I will enjoy this candle as much as I can, take a nice shower, take good care of myself, wear some really comfy clothes and listen to some really nice music. maybe I'll even play a couple games. I will be here for myself the way I wish others were for me. tomorrow, I will do more cleaning and organizing of my belongings. I plan to throw most things away.
if by the end of all of these things I still feel the way I do as I type this, maybe it's meant. I told my best friend tonight about these feelings and the person I very deeply care for and adore so much does not know what is even going on. I feel like I am too much for them and I don't want to make their seemingly good night a sad one with these feelings. honestly, I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish I could recover and live this life out with them. sounds pretty pathetic, but what is even more is that I had hope for there being a chance of them having a tiny bit of love for me.
