Maybe tonight might go. Any last chats?

[lili]

Hey everyone,

I'm considering on ctb tonight but I am not sure still. In like an hour or so. Anyone want to chat in the meantime? Private message or here?

 

[CuriousAboutThis]

I hope you find peace I'm not going to ctb anymore because I don't have any resources and still cling to life since my life isn't so bad right now, but not to bring any negative feelings to you or any false hope but again may you find peace.

 

[FinishingLine]

I´m passing .. out
..
And I do not unfortunately eternally.

 

[lili]

I feel really hopeless lately. And I don't know what to do because everything I say feels like just a bother to people or an added burden. Like i don't even want to bother explaining myself but i like to read what other people have to say. I want to do it in the next couple of moments but I am afraid my Roomate will arrive before the deed is done.

 

[Judy Garland]

It's up to you if you want to post here or do a chat. I'm sorry for what life has brought you to. I'm tired too.

 

[Risperdead]

hey lili, sorry you are about this, whats in mind?

 

[CuriousAboutThis]

Well, I'll be here in the meantime I have nothing to do and I just hope whatever you decide it is not painful but hopefully peaceful I don't know what else to say

 

[Judy Garland]

You're not bothering anyone Lili. Let it all out.

 

[lili]

hey lili, sorry you are about this, whats in mind?

I have the SN although I didn't do the prep work before hand but it's just hard to plan since I live with someone who always checks in on me.

He said he'd be back here at an hour but that's probably not enough time I would have to prep it right now.

You're not bothering anyone Lili. Let it all out.

It's just living with my ex boyfriend since October and all the other stuff I'm dealing with has taken a toll on me and with my emotional problems like bipolar and borderline I don't really know how I can exactly go any further. I suck at everything. And the way I live romantically is just not adequate for this world also the way I perceive anything. I just don't feel like I'm a part of this planet. Can't quite feel connected to people. I love people but I feel like an alien. And my existence as an alien just brings a world of pain to others and it's best I end things at some point.

Hit I think why bother with writing here and just venting away. But maybe tonight is not the night unless I can just get the energy and snap out if my depression, get out of my bed and just prepare the SN. I just wish my ex boyfriend would leave for a longer period some day so I can finally take the SN instead of doing it in a desperate rush. I'll give myself a bit more moments. I just can't really bother with anything.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I feel really hopeless lately. And I don't know what to do because everything I say feels like just a bother to people or an added burden. Like i don't even want to bother explaining myself but i like to read what other people have to say. I want to do it in the next couple of moments but I am afraid my Roomate will arrive before the deed is done.

I encourage you to vent here, as much as you'd like. This is a good place for it.

I'd also caution you against trying something when you're expecting your roommate to come home soon. That's usually not a good idea.

Is there a rush? Why do you feel it has to be tonight? In my experience on this site, planning and solitude have emerged to be consistent themes for ctb. A rushed attempt when someone might walk in seems concerning.

How can we help tonight?

 

[lili]

I encourage you to vent here, as much as you'd like. This is a good place for it.

I'd also caution you against trying something when you're expecting your roommate to come home soon. That's usually not a good idea.

Is there a rush? Why do you feel it has to be tonight? In my experience on this site, planning and solitude have emerged to be consistent themes for ctb. A rushed attempt when someone might walk in seems concerning.

How can we help tonight?

Yeah you are totally right. It's just si happens the person I live with is always here because he is a person that enjoys being at the apartment all the time and doesn't like to socialize with people. Or be outside. So I don't know when that day will come unless I move out of here finally.

I just thought maybe tonight could have been a good night but maybe the rush. I have attempted suicide so many times before that it's just going ti the emergency room for a failed attempt seems like a big hassle. But then laying here and existing also feels like a hassle. I'm not sure what can be done.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Yeah you are totally right. It's just si happens the person I live with is always here because he is a person that enjoys being at the apartment all the time and doesn't like to socialize with people. Or be outside. So I don't know when that day will come unless I move out of here finally.

I just thought maybe tonight could have been a good night but maybe the rush. I have attempted suicide so many times before that it's just going ti the emergency room for a failed attempt seems like a big hassle. But then laying here and existing also feels like a hassle. I'm not sure what can be done.

That's rough. I'm sorry you've been through so much already. Is your roommate aware of your history?

 

[lostwanderer]

Hey everyone,

I'm considering on ctb tonight but I am not sure still. In like an hour or so. Anyone want to chat in the meantime? Private message or here?

I haven't posted here before, am new and mostly lurk but saw your post and wanted to private message you but couldn't figure out how. Please PM if you want to chat. Please share here. Itlooks like people care and want you to share and share with you.

 

[lili]

I haven't posted here before, am new and mostly lurk but saw your post and wanted to private message you but couldn't figure out how. Please PM if you want to chat. Please share here. Itlooks like people care and want you to share and share with you.

I think you have to comment on a few threads but thank you I'd like to talk.

That's rough. I'm sorry you've been through so much already. Is your roommate aware of your history?

Yeah he's aware…he knows I have SN in here too I think maybe that's why he's scared if leaving the apartment for long periods of time maybe I am not sure.

 

[LastBusStop]

I wish you peace in whatever you do.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Yeah he's aware…he knows I have SN in here too I think maybe that's why he's scared if leaving the apartment for long periods of time maybe I am not sure.

I think you're right about that. I am surprised that he knows you have SN in the apartment, though. I would suspect he would have gotten rid of it to prevent you from another attempt.

 

[lili]

I think you're right about that. I am surprised that he knows you have SN in the apartment, though. I would suspect he would have gotten rid of it to prevent you from another attempt.

Yeah he knows about my suicide history so I think he just sort of accepts it. I've told him I hate the mental hospital and ambulances so he just doesn't involve that. He doesn't try to intervene too much but I think maybe him sticking around so much for several days might be a quiet indication of him trying to stop something?

He knows I tried to do it one time in March but I didn't do it because my SI was too much and he ended up coming too early anyways.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Yeah he knows about my suicide history so I think he just sort of accepts it. I've told him I hate the mental hospital and ambulances so he just doesn't involve that. He doesn't try to intervene too much but I think maybe him sticking around so much for several days might be a quiet indication of him trying to stop something?

He knows I tried to do it one time in March but I didn't do it because my SI was too much and he ended up coming too early anyways.

What kind of roommate is he? Do you get along? Could he be someone to talk to? It might be nice knowing he's not going to involve the police or psych hospital.

 

[lili]

What kind of roommate is he? Do you get along? Could he be someone to talk to? It might be nice knowing he's not going to involve the police or psych hospital.

He's my ex boyfriend so it's sort of a strange Roomate relationship. We have been split up since October. It's one of the reasons why I want to ctb because I live with him.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

He's my ex boyfriend so it's sort of a strange Roomate relationship. We have been split up since October. It's one of the reasons why I want to ctb because I live with him.

Hmm. Sounds like a challenging situation. Are you at least amicable with each other? Otherwise, it's probably important you find a new living arrangement soon.

 

[lili]

Hmm. Sounds like a challenging situation. Are you at least amicable with each other? Otherwise, it's probably important you find a new living arrangement soon.

Yeah unfortunately finances have put a stop to it. I don't have my life together and well I haven't had the money to move out yet unfortunately. I don't think I will have it until the end of summer. But then I don't know if I can keep waiting this long. Plus I have other issues going on that would still make me think about ending things.

We are amicable sometimes but its tense other times. Its hard to live with an ex partner. There's so many feelings involved. Especially when I went and had a few flings while living here I think that worsened the situation.

 

[GentleJerk]

I leave my laptop logged in to SS. I'm not always in front of it, but I check in throughout the day and will respond. You're more than welcome to message.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Wishing you the best. It's good that you are not going to try to CTB with a limited amount of time.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Somehow, some way, you are going to have to come up with just a little more strength to wait until a better opportunity presents itself when you don't feel rushed and pressure from being thwarted by another. Keep talking on here and I believe you can get through this today and see that there will be another, better time. Does your ex work? Can you wait for that? Or, maybe, setup something so he HAS to be gone for longer to deal with something? What matters most is you and failing can have bad effects, as I know you already know. It could be worse failing than just hospital or confinement. You could injure yourself where another try might be difficult or even impossible.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that it has come to this point for you. I understand that it is hard to carry on when things seem so hopeless. I hope that you find relief from suffering in whatever happens. I wish you the best.