sysphfc
Member
- Jun 5, 2026
- 7
hello again. A lot has changed recently. Ive just moved back into the countryside with some relatives and ive had more access to drugs (weed, ect) and ive been having some fun. Since not all my medications have been stocked up yet, specifically insulin, i wont be able to ctb tomorrow or after tomorrow, but hopefully this week. Im planning to walk very very far out into the middle of nowhere, have my last few cigs and inject 1000 units into my body. Ill be fasting, so hopefully the hit is faster. Ive written my goodbye, ill paste it here.
"I feel like i can never be happy, no matter where i am. Theres always a void inside of me. A void that cannot be filled, not with substances, not with fame or attention, not with love, nothing. Nothing ever feels like its good enough to overcome the numbness i feel in everyday life. Im tired of upholding the jester, the puppet, the mask. The artificial laughs and smiles and "im okay's" Just to please people, to not be rejected and seen as always upset or down. Nobody likes a downer. Behind that mask, there isnt much of a me anymore. its so hollow and empty, like an abandoned town. Not a soul in sight. Sure, there's basic bits of my identity, my music taste, how i draw, but thats so superficial. Almost every trait you see from me is either designed to please you or to make you like me, to get you to trust me. If i was boring, non-verbal and blunt, i would be ostracized. Im tired of upholding it all. Being constantly confused about how i feel, only ever being able to feel numb or angry on the inside and nothing else is exhausting. Constantly scared of being judged or unliked. Wouldnt that tire you out?
my apologies for leaving so abruptly and so early."
"I feel like i can never be happy, no matter where i am. Theres always a void inside of me. A void that cannot be filled, not with substances, not with fame or attention, not with love, nothing. Nothing ever feels like its good enough to overcome the numbness i feel in everyday life. Im tired of upholding the jester, the puppet, the mask. The artificial laughs and smiles and "im okay's" Just to please people, to not be rejected and seen as always upset or down. Nobody likes a downer. Behind that mask, there isnt much of a me anymore. its so hollow and empty, like an abandoned town. Not a soul in sight. Sure, there's basic bits of my identity, my music taste, how i draw, but thats so superficial. Almost every trait you see from me is either designed to please you or to make you like me, to get you to trust me. If i was boring, non-verbal and blunt, i would be ostracized. Im tired of upholding it all. Being constantly confused about how i feel, only ever being able to feel numb or angry on the inside and nothing else is exhausting. Constantly scared of being judged or unliked. Wouldnt that tire you out?
my apologies for leaving so abruptly and so early."
