Venting Maybe i'm bad at "surviving"

[other-ghost]

My future's crumbling as i speak right now. I don't know what else to do. I've been stuck in this depression for years, but these past two years are absolute hell. My family relationships are in shambles, connections with people i care about are just… broken. Everything's so fucked I don't even know how i'm still alive. How am i even breathing right now?

Despite that, I've been trying to survive. Putting effort into education, relationships, hobbies, anything to keep my life intact. Then someone looks me dead in the eye and says, "Are you even trying?" God. It feels like everything just broke inside me.

What's the point of "surviving" anymore? Watching myself fuck up my education in real time, ruining my relationships. My "best" looks like someone else's half-assed effort. What's the meaning of "trying"? I know i started at a bad place, but i still tried. Still got told I'm just… being lazy? It's not just them trying to put me down, it's a fact. All my effort was never enough, i look like a clown!! I'm ruining my future, my life, while i thought i'm already doing my best.

I don't know what "average" looks like anymore, but i'm buried six feet below it. So why keep trying? Why not just end it before the disappointment finishes me first?

 

[sad_delulu]

Don't look at the numbers, it's a way to nowhere. Average, median, percentile - all this shit kinda exists in math, but I doubt it has any strong psychological influence other then you put into it. Double doubt there's anything positive about that influence even if it exists. The most important question for me was if there's something was living for. My personal answer to this is no, but I do believe that if you have something to live for - it should be worth it.

I've read a nice thread about it here, basically you're always afraid of death, always at risk, always uncertain. And this will stay, no matter age or whatever. But your decision is what makes life empty or full