Making sense of the past...

[Hope:-)]

Do you ever try to make sense of the past? Do you feel more compelled to make sense of the past because you think you will ctb or less compelled to make sense of it? I'm doing it less now I've decided what I'm doing, but was wondering whether it's ever helpful to try to make sense of the past- does it make you feel more calm about everything if you do so? My past is very extreme and upsetting, and since deciding to ctb I've tried to not think about ot but it's always nagging away. I suppose there's nothing I can do about it. It was good before I started experiencimg medical malpractice. Was looking through some photos of my youth and feeling sad. :-(

 

[Rational man]

Yes, i often reflect on the past. I think how stoopid i was to break up with my first love. That was REALLY stoopid. But i realise now i apply today to yesterday. Im wiser now, i have more life to me but at the time it was the right thing. I would make the same decision because it seemed right at the time. Hindsight is full of smoke are mirrors and as you say, it changes nothing. You will find that much of what happened is also beyond our choices. If i sorted out more medical opinions, i might not be dying today but i didnt have the knowledge then. I trusted my first doctor. We dont choose parents. Life is uncertain and unpredictable. It is short and to me beyond sense.

Be kind to YOU. You're not to blame.

 

[Hope:-)]

Thankyou for your insightful post. The it's 'beyond sense' part really helped.x

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, I had problems with a step sibling growing up. I lost my Mum when I was 3 and her Mum (my Nana) aged 10 and I think that hit especially hard age 10- at the same time I was having all these troubles with the step sibling. I guess I was looking for comfort and you look to your Mum especially for that I suppose.

Without going into too many details, she was very verbally abusive but she also accused me of a whole load of things I hadn't done. To the extent, I got pulled up in front of the deputy head master. (May not sound like a big deal but I was a very quiet, shy child- it was awful).

Kind of the last straw, she ripped up a piece of my coursework and then accused me of stealing money from her (to deflect blame I assume- stupid part is- I didn't work that bit out for years- I was in shock I suppose. Dissapointing part is- my parents just went along with the narrative). We ended up with locks on our doors. Naturally, all this caused a major rift in the family.

I know this is going to sound trifling to some of the abuse people have endured (and my heart breaks for them) but it was still enough to make me first consider ctb.

Honestly, I was really scared of her- of what she might do next. I was so happy to leave home to go to uni.

Kind of recently, I started watching YouTube videos on narcissism and was kind of amazed to see all of those behaviours described. (The accusing someone of things to make themselves out to be the victim, the idea of 'flying monkeys'- people who support the narcissist.)

I know I have many flaws too. Not saying I'm totally innocent- I've done things I regret (although ironically- not to the step sibling- she was far too intimidating for that). Still, it kind of helped me to know there was a term for this type of behaviour- even though it's only one I can diagnose her with in my head. Makes it all kind of less crazy when you know there are terms for things! Not that it erases anything.

Don't think my fascination with wanting to work out why things might have happened has much to do with ctb. Doesn't make me want to do it less but suppose it did make me feel slightly more validated in a way. Think I spent a lot of time just feeling scared and confused.

 

[jermainet]

I no longer look at photos of my self from the past. Too much of a trigger for my depression, and I'm trying to avoid triggers.

Besides the person in those photos isn't me. That was a completely different person. Literally a different person.

 

[absurd_to_the_end]

Yes, i often reflect on the past. I think how stoopid i was to break up with my first love. That was REALLY stoopid. But i realise now i apply today to yesterday. Im wiser now, i have more life to me but at the time it was the right thing. I would make the same decision because it seemed right at the time.

Thank you for this perspective on hindsight - it's so simple when you think about it, but so hard to accept.

I no longer look at photos of my self from the past. Too much of a trigger for my depression, and I'm trying to avoid triggers.

Same - the person in those photos no longer exists and that makes me sad.

 

[outrider567]

Do you ever try to make sense of the past? Do you feel more compelled to make sense of the past because you think you will ctb or less compelled to make sense of it? I'm doing it less now I've decided what I'm doing, but was wondering whether it's ever helpful to try to make sense of the past- does it make you feel more calm about everything if you do so? My past is very extreme and upsetting, and since deciding to ctb I've tried to not think about ot but it's always nagging away. I suppose there's nothing I can do about it. It was good before I started experiencimg medical malpractice. Was looking through some photos of my youth and feeling sad. :-(

I cannot look at any photos of Patti, and will not be able to, no matter how many years go by----Still a ton of pictures of all our trips together in this big bin, unorganized for the most part--A couple of photo albums that are organized--Before I CTB, I will destroy them all(except for one of us together that I will display on the dining room table) by just throwing them in the dumpster--Memories that were once great are now rather pointless---All the extra paintings we bought, they'll go to Goodwill as soon as I put them in the car to take them there---Her $2,000 portable oxygen machine will go to my step-mother who has emphysema(though she won't need it for a few years)