Made my first cut in 20 days

[GhostgirlWannadie]

It might not seem long but it's the longest I've gone since I started. I don't have any choice but to die now but I'm scared.

Nothing changed, I just got reminded that there's no future for me as a trans girl. It's horrible because the last week I've really felt hope. I started writing more the last few weeks and I actually want to finish everything I've written.

Yesterday I just got reminded of everything I'll never have. I don't know what the hell I was dreaming before it but every single one of them is gone now. My cousin's in a completely different world from me. I can't speak at all and there's no way I'll ever not have vocal dysphoria.

I used to have extremely violent thoughts to other people and even animals so I would cut myself for having them. I used to feel so insecure over whether I have the maneurisms of a girl or not. Internally I don't think about hurting people or animals anymore and I do feel feminine now.

I really managed to change myself and the way I think since I last cut but just like every single time before none of it fucking matters. How many times do I need to be reminded of the same lesson?

it doesn't matter how much I change, I'll never be able to express it. For some reason I thought I could last night until I got reminded again and again.

i don't really hate myself anymore. My body, sure but I wish I was just born another way. I hate how I used to be but I found a way to see beneath all of that so I really feel like I've forgiven myself.

It still won't matter. They say, "It doesn't matter what other people think of you" but when there's not a single person who really sees me what the hell do I do. No matter what I do my mom will always think, "You don't have the maneurisms if a girl." If there's not a single person to actually talk to then I'm just alone. I've heard people go insane from being isolated.

I think the psychiatrist I talk to might help but I don't get to see her often enough. I'm still afraid to talk about a lot if things because i still feel guilt. Being trans makes me feel guilty, like an intruder but there's no alternative for me. I'll always be trans no matter what.

This time I just need to cut just to get all of this out. I don't have any other way to release it. I need to get ready to actually kms but I'm scared. I want to do partial suspension. I just want a new life. In this one no matter how good I try there's no point.

 

[coralreefer]

Just fyi I don't really feel empathy so my bad if this sounds mean in any way. I don't believe you have to "get ready to kill yourself" since it's more of a feeling that arrives by itself. You can't really rush it. I would recommend looking for other trans communities both online and irl, I don't know how accessible that is for you but if you have the opportunity to find others like you, you should take it.

I have personally really struggled with finding like minded people and I would say it helps to find them. I also don't mean this in a rude way, but is cutting maybe a habit for you? Like something bad happens and you've learned to resort to cutting after a long time of doing it? Just kinda curious, since I don't really understand cutting. I've tried it but just didn't work for me. Sorry again if it's rude at all.

 

[dreadlox]

I'm sorry you are feeling the way you are. If refraining from cutting is something you want, then 20 days is something to be proud of. I recently had a similar streak if you want to call it that. I'm not sure how i feel about it though. Is it an accomplishment or a weakness? I don't know. Sometimes i cut as a way to punish myself. It scary but i feel it's deserved. Other times it's like you describe, allowing negative feelings and confusion to escape my body. I cut and suddenly i can relax for a minute. Those times it feels greatly satisfying. It's usually more severe then too. It's not frightening or anything, just a release and a sense of relief .

 

[coralreefer]

I'm sorry you are feeling the way you are. If refraining from cutting is something you want, then 20 days is something to be proud of. I recently had a similar streak if you want to call it that. I'm not sure how i feel about it though. Is it an accomplishment or a weakness? I don't know. Sometimes i cut as a way to punish myself. It scary but i feel it's deserved. Other times it's like you describe, allowing negative feelings and confusion to escape my body. I cut and suddenly i can relax for a minute. Those times it feels greatly satisfying. It's usually more severe then too. It's not frightening or anything, just a release and a sense of relief .

What do you punish yourself for? I tried it but it was just kinda a mess to clean up and I didn't feel anything. Does it have to be anything dramatic in your life for it to work? Is it like an addiction? I don't feel empathy fyi.

 

[GhostgirlWannadie]

Just fyi I don't really feel empathy so my bad if this sounds mean in any way. I don't believe you have to "get ready to kill yourself" since it's more of a feeling that arrives by itself. You can't really rush it. I would recommend looking for other trans communities both online and irl, I don't know how accessible that is for you but if you have the opportunity to find others like you, you should take it.

I have personally really struggled with finding like minded people and I would say it helps to find them. I also don't mean this in a rude way, but is cutting maybe a habit for you? Like something bad happens and you've learned to resort to cutting after a long time of doing it? Just kinda curious, since I don't really understand cutting. I've tried it but just didn't work for me. Sorry again if it's ru

The first time I cut was as a form or punisment but I dont cut for that reason as much anymore. I tend to cut when I just want to feel something. There's times where I want to cry but I'm too desensitized to crying so I cut. Sometimes I gett extremely angry and emotionally pent up so I cut as a release. The worst kind of thoughts come from when I'm extremely dysphoric. This time I cut from dysphoria but I usually cut immediately when the thoughts come but this time I couldn't. When I got home the thoughts weren't so extreme but I still felt unfulfilled from not cutting. It felt like there was no choice but to do it st some point.

 

[dreadlox]

What do you punish yourself for? I tried it but it was just kinda a mess to clean up and I didn't feel anything. Does it have to be anything dramatic in your life for it to work? Is it like an addiction? I don't feel empathy fyi.

I'm not asking for your empathy. Why would that be of any importance to me? My reasons for punishment i'll keep to myself. You ask if relief from cutting requires something dramatic in your life. If you lack something dramatic in your life, what are you doing here? No one here owes you an explanation as to why they do anything. Go troll elsewhere.

 

[coralreefer]

The first time I cut was as a form or punisment but I dont cut for that reason as much anymore. I tend to cut when I just want to feel something. There's times where I want to cry but I'm too desensitized to crying so I cut. Sometimes I gett extremely angry and emotionally pent up so I cut as a release. The worst kind of thoughts come from when I'm extremely dysphoric. This time I cut from dysphoria but I usually cut immediately when the thoughts come but this time I couldn't. When I got home the thoughts weren't so extreme but I still felt unfulfilled from not cutting. It felt like there was no choice but to do it st some point.

I see. I don't ever feel like I've done something wrong so I can't say I fully understand the feeling, but I hear u. I'm proud of u being able to withstand the temptation of cutting for so long, I hope you experience more good than bad in the near future

I'm not asking for your empathy. Why would that be of any importance to me? My reasons for punishment i'll keep to myself. You ask if relief from cutting requires something dramatic in your life. If you lack something dramatic in your life, what are you doing here? No one here owes you an explanation as to why they do anything. Go troll elsewhere.

I don't mean it like that. I just wanted to understand. I meant that I am not capable of empathy and therefore it might sound rude. My bad. And also just because nothing dramatic happened in my life doesn't make my experiences less worth than yours. I have my reasons to ctb and you have yours. Simple as that.