Lowest point in my life. I have my N. Can anyone talk?

[AH23]

Hello,

I'm chronically ill in my 20s and I plan to use my two bottles of N in the next six months to a year. I'm not going to get better so I'm not looking for that type of talk just anyone who understand and can talk to me about similar feelings or how to deal woth the guilt when thinking about what you're about to do. Not looking for advice I just feel SO alone in this decision and in life right now. I don't have a single friend or family member I'm close to. If I wasn't going to ctb due to health it might be due to loneliness and disappointment in how all relationships seem to turn out in the end. But then again if i was healthy I could go start a new life somewhere like people do. Who knows… all I know is this forum is the only place I can be honest. I thought having my method would make me feel better like other people on here say but instead I feel this intense and severe fear that it's all becoming real. I've had ideations since high school when I first got sick but I always thought things may get better.. now really staring death in the face and actually having to be the one to execute it yourself, alone, is actually fucking terrifying? I don't see people talking as much about that. I just don't know how to cope.

 

[Interloper]

now really staring death in the face and actually having to be the one to execute it yourself, alone, is actually fucking terrifying?

You're not alone in that thought, wish I knew what to do.

 

[Lost Magic]

Hello,

I'm chronically ill in my 20s and I plan to use my two bottles of N in the next six months to a year. I'm not going to get better so I'm not looking for that type of talk just anyone who understand and can talk to me about similar feelings or how to deal woth the guilt when thinking about what you're about to do. Not looking for advice I just feel SO alone in this decision and in life right now. I don't have a single friend or family member I'm close to. If I wasn't going to ctb due to health it might be due to loneliness and disappointment in how all relationships seem to turn out in the end. But then again if i was healthy I could go start a new life somewhere like people do. Who knows… all I know is this forum is the only place I can be honest. I thought having my method would make me feel better like other people on here say but instead I feel this intense and severe fear that it's all becoming real. I've had ideations since high school when I first got sick but I always thought things may get better.. now really staring death in the face and actually having to be the one to execute it yourself, alone, is actually fucking terrifying? I don't see people talking as much about that. I just don't know how to cope.

You raised some good points. It really is a lonely experience when you have to go through with the prospect of ending your life. I feel the same way. Maybe try and get some Propranolol and/or Benzos to ease the feelings of anxiety and fear. And remember you are not alone on here. We are all struggling together and one day we shall all be free from this suffering. Nembutal is the gold standard way of exiting. So, I hope you take some comfort in that. Best of luck to you!

 

[Arot]

I used to think that I was going to CTB alone. But then found this girl (who I fell in love with) that was feeling kind of the same as me. Then I thought we could die together or at least someone who could accompany me during this process. I'm blocked from all her social plaforms now. So I guess in the end my destiny is to die alone. But I have to admit that at some point I really liked the idea of having someone else as a partner.

 

[AH23]

You raised some good points. It really is a lonely experience when you have to go through with the prospect of ending your life. I feel the same way. Maybe try and get some Propranolol and/or Benzos to ease the feelings of anxiety and fear. And remember you are not alone on here. We are all struggling together and one day we shall all be free from this suffering. Nembutal is the gold standard way of exiting. So, I hope you take some comfort in that. Best of luck to you!

Thank you. I still need to test my N and knowing that once I open the bottle the shelf decreases makes me nervous to open it or test it until I'm really sure. So until I test it there's doubt in my mind it's real.. but I got it from the source on here. I actually already have both propane lol and Xanax prescriptions so I'll probably so that. Need to read up on wether you can safely mix those with N. Im sorry you feel the same way. Hoping that when the time comes maybe some type of peace will come but I don't know… permanence has always scared me

You're not alone in that thought, wish I knew what to do.

It would be much more peaceful if you were actually terminally ill and had a partner helping you with end of life decision. The weight of the decision is really heavy. I am thinking of trying to read some books on coping with death for the terminally ill but I'm not sure how closely they will apply. I'm not as scared of death itself, just the actual act and the moments leading up to it, and then the guilt thinking about the aftermath.

 

[Chronicillness]

You can PM me anytime, brother. I'm in my late 20s, and I've been suffering from unremitting chronic illnesses for the large majority of my life.

I'm in the process of acquiring enough money to buy N so that I can hopefully CTB this year.

 

[Arvinneedstodie]

I'm also chronically ill with steadily deteriorating health since high school days, and I'm about to turn 26 in a week. I been depressed and struggled with social isolation and dysfunctional family since I was a kid, so I feel like my life was over long before it ever began. If you or anyone who wants to talk, I am always here to talk and listen.

 

[AH23]

I'm also chronically ill with steadily deteriorating health since high school days, and I'm about to turn 26 in a week. I been depressed and struggled with social isolation and dysfunctional family since I was a kid, so I feel like my life was over long before it ever began. If you or anyone who wants to talk, I am always here to talk and listen.

Same to you. And same on the dysfunctional family and depression front. Struggled with those before my health issues started, I feel like I was really set up for failure. I've really tried my best but at a certain point it's just not worth it anymore. The only thing I'm struggling with is the crippling guilt about my parents, even though we have a very toxic relationship. I hate to do this to anyone. I'm an only child so it will be even worse for them. But at what point can I keep living in pain and being dependent on their resources just to stay alive for their benefit? I wish discussing suicide was an option the way it is for terminally ill people with chronically ill. I don't see the difference honestly, or why we are just expected to suffer without choice or dignity. Iits just the shock and trauma of the day they find out I'm gone that really haunts me.. if They knew it was coming it maybe wouldn't be so bad. i think having gone through so much trauma myself I hate the idea of inflicting more. Im not sure if you've seen it but I always found that play where the daughter informs her mother she's going to ctb and by the end of the play the mother has accepted it to be fascinating.. I'm trying to remember the name of it.

I'm also chronically ill with steadily deteriorating health since high school days, and I'm about to turn 26 in a week. I been depressed and struggled with social isolation and dysfunctional family since I was a kid, so I feel like my life was over long before it ever began. If you or anyone who wants to talk, I am always here to talk and listen.

Same to you. And same on the dysfunctional family and depression front. Struggled with those before my health issues started, I feel like I was really set up for failure. I've really tried my best but at a certain point it's just not worth it anymore. The only thing I'm struggling with is the crippling guilt about my parents, even though we have a very toxic relationship. I hate to do this to anyone. I'm an only child so it will be even worse for them. But at what point can I keep living in pain and being dependent on their resources just to stay alive for their benefit? I wish discussing suicide was an option the way it is for terminally ill people with chronically ill. I don't see the difference honestly, or why we are just expected to suffer without choice or dignity. Iits just the shock and trauma of the day they find out I'm gone that really haunts me.. if They knew it was coming it maybe wouldn't be so bad. i think having gone through so much trauma myself I hate the idea of inflicting more. Im not sure if you've seen it but I always found that play where the daughter informs her mother she's going to ctb and by the end of the play the mother has accepted it to be fascinating.. I'm trying to remember the name of it.

the play is 'night mother if anyone is interested. Read it in high school and it stuck with me for ten years.

I used to think that I was going to CTB alone. But then found this girl (who I fell in love with) that was feeling kind of the same as me. Then I thought we could die together or at least someone who could accompany me during this process. I'm blocked from all her social plaforms now. So I guess in the end my destiny is to die alone. But I have to admit that at some point I really liked the idea of having someone else as a partner.

Unfortunately I don't think it's wise to rely on someone else for a pact. This is such a personal and individualized decision, and if anything goes wrong you could be held liable for someone's death. I'm sorry to hear how that turned out for you, truly I am. People and relationships are so disappointing. when I think about the Conrad roy Michelle Carter case for example… you may have dodged a bullet in not being a part of someone else's death. I think Unfortunately we all must die alone, not just those who ctb. I'm trying to make peace with that myself. It's very very difficult. I'm sorry for your pain.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are going through this. It can be dreadful when everything is hopeless. I know that loneliness can be painful for many people. I think quite a lot of people are scared of dying, it is normal. This existence is all we know after all. For me personally though, I am only scared of failing a method. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[imjusttired]

Hello,

I'm chronically ill in my 20s and I plan to use my two bottles of N in the next six months to a year. I'm not going to get better so I'm not looking for that type of talk just anyone who understand and can talk to me about similar feelings or how to deal woth the guilt when thinking about what you're about to do. Not looking for advice I just feel SO alone in this decision and in life right now. I don't have a single friend or family member I'm close to. If I wasn't going to ctb due to health it might be due to loneliness and disappointment in how all relationships seem to turn out in the end. But then again if i was healthy I could go start a new life somewhere like people do. Who knows… all I know is this forum is the only place I can be honest. I thought having my method would make me feel better like other people on here say but instead I feel this intense and severe fear that it's all becoming real. I've had ideations since high school when I first got sick but I always thought things may get better.. now really staring death in the face and actually having to be the one to execute it yourself, alone, is actually fucking terrifying? I don't see people talking as much about that. I just don't know how to cope.

You can pm me! Im very lonely so I could use ur company I really understand you being terrified I am too and I totally understand it is fucking terrifying!