Love can be cruel

[PI3.14]

I guess it's safe to say that we all want to be loved. However, I've been thinking lately how love can actually become a curse.

Now, I haven't been in romantic relationships but I'm blessed/cursed with the love of my family. They love me, they care about me, and I find it very overwhelming to deal with it.

They will cry when they see me crying. They hurt when they see me hurting. I don't know why they care so much. I'm not that perfect of a son or brother and I don't think I'm deserving of such attention.

Despite all the love they shower me with, I'm still deeply hurt and their love hasn't been able to cure my broken heart.

It's a curse. Everytime I think of suicide I see them standing at my grave, sobbing. I know my parents and siblings well, they won't recover from it ever. If I go with it then I'm also choosing to ruin the fabric of this family, their life will never be the same ever again.

Sometimes I wish I was a very bad person so they would hate me instead of loving me. That would have made things easier on me.

Being loved is good when you have it good in life and are mentally stable and a functioning adult. I'm anything but that. I'm miserable, rarely go out, spend most of the day on bed rotting away. I'm a failure, a real failure. I'm an embarrassment to my family.

I wish I can get rid of the guilt. I hate that I have people around me who cares.

Sometimes I feel it's best that I'm not in a relationship. What if even a romantic relationship can't help fix my broken soul? Then my partner will be damned too. They'll be always on the edge, just like my family, fearing that any day could be the day they see me dead by suicide. Is it ethical to subject a potential partner to this? I really hate myself more than anything.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I feel the same way. I used to really want a partner when I was young. Now, I just think it would be another tether and, it wouldn't be fair on them to drag them into all of this.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

"I guess it's safe to say that we all want to be loved."

Not me . I couldn't care less about being loved by another human. I Especially don't need nor want any kind of relationship with a human even if i didn't have these huge problems i need to focus on.

for many reasons.

For one thing any thing they tell us we need or have to do like a romantic relationship I want to reject.

I feel I'd be condoning the imposition and this evil world

but many more reasons

To me it's ok if someone else wants to be loved or whatever. Nothing matters to me except me getting my suicide

 

[Ch4in3dcr0w]

u are not a bad person/selfish for wanting to die if its the only way u are sure can numb the "pain" then dont look at others and how will they will feel. And about the romantic relationships they are never the answer no will heal you all they can do is help you heal on your own

 

[KillingPain267]

Love is blursed

 

[darkandtwisty]

Love is great and all until they point out what a shit person you are. All I've learned is that no matter how hard I try to love someone with everything I have, I'm still fucking it up.

 

[lawlietsph]

i have quite the opposite experience. nobody ever loved me enough to show a little care or something. not my parents, not my sibling, none of my family members. i was never loved, only used. people are pretending to like me as long as i give them something.
i always give my soul and heart to others and they play with it easily. now i cannot trust anyone ever again. when i cry, they usually laugh at me or stare at me with disgust in their eyes.
it's crazy how love can be too much or too little - both causing harm