Loss of faith

[ravendrops]

I've been suicidal but I feel like broke yesterday. I realized – became aware – that I no longer have faith.

I have no hope because I do not believe god loves me. Divine love does not convince me anymore, and I weep as I type.

My life has been chapter after chapter of treachery, abuse, suffering, gaslighting. Abusive family. Abusive friends. Occasionally stretches of a good few months and then more and worse.

What has kept me going has been some kind of belief about the goodness of God and that eventually all will be made right. Now, I'm sad to say, I feel like it's hardened in me: things cannot be made right. Maybe this is where true faith is supposed to step in, probably something about eschatological hope, but I'm afraid I would turn down resurrection, for instance. I simply don't want things to continue. The myth of Love has stopped persuading me. Living just doesn't feel worth it.

 

[Mrs. T-800]

When I feel at my worst, I read the book of Job. I try to detach and remind myself it's my treatment of others and myself and the world that matters; I control what's "on my paper" – not what happens to me, but how I react to it, for example. Maybe the mission is to let love through me and be a beacon of goodness if I can do so. I don't like to live. I am in so much pain. But I can make someone's life easier or more comfortable, or be a steward of something. "Be the change you wish to see in the world," or something.

I also recommend to read Love by Leo Buscaglia.
Sounds a bit like you might like a movie like End of Days.

I believe you can be an example of love in the world. It can be downright damn difficult to see it for ourselves. But for others, it's simply the right and polite thing to do. I wish, it can come easier, especially for living a hard and hurt life. But you can make a difference in others', as well as your own insofar as how you respond to things. Maybe that's where's the goodness.

I wish you the best, lots of peace and strength, and, too, joy.

 

[itsgone2]

It's frustrating. I deserve what I'm getting. But not everyone does. I see it. Good people that are suffering. Why? It's makes no sense to me.