xhelx
decayed beyond recognition
- Mar 1, 2024
- 107
And no, I don't mean by suicide.
I've been suicidal for around 10 years now. Over the course of these years, and especially since joining this forum, I've talked to quite a number of suicidal people. I became close with a few, friends even. Luckily, I never had to go through the pain of losing any of them to suicide. For one reason or another they all ended up giving life one more chance or entirely giving up on the idea of suicide. To make it clear, I am very very happy for them and actually proud. I'm glad they found reasons to keep going. I hope they never get so close to suicide ever again. In fact, I wish every single one of you found a reason to make this life worth living. I still talk to some of them. They are still being kind and supportive. But I'd be lying if I didn't say there's some kind of intimacy in sharing the same death wish with someone. It just...doesn't feel the same?
It's a very weird feeling. Again, I am happy for them, and I'd NEVER wish them to be (that) suicidal ever again, but it just doesn't feel the same. I'm probably (hopefully) having the worst time of my life right now and I just feel like I have no one to talk to that truly gets it. Yes, I feel horrible for even thinking like this. I feel like I'm wishing them to be like that again, even though I'd rather be skinned alive than ever even suggesting suicide to someone. I just miss that "intimacy" sometimes, and again, I hate myself for this. In a way I miss who they were, even if I don't ever want them to be like that again.
I dont even know what I'm looking for, maybe to see if it's a relatable thing? Never seen anyone talk about this before.
I've been suicidal for around 10 years now. Over the course of these years, and especially since joining this forum, I've talked to quite a number of suicidal people. I became close with a few, friends even. Luckily, I never had to go through the pain of losing any of them to suicide. For one reason or another they all ended up giving life one more chance or entirely giving up on the idea of suicide. To make it clear, I am very very happy for them and actually proud. I'm glad they found reasons to keep going. I hope they never get so close to suicide ever again. In fact, I wish every single one of you found a reason to make this life worth living. I still talk to some of them. They are still being kind and supportive. But I'd be lying if I didn't say there's some kind of intimacy in sharing the same death wish with someone. It just...doesn't feel the same?
It's a very weird feeling. Again, I am happy for them, and I'd NEVER wish them to be (that) suicidal ever again, but it just doesn't feel the same. I'm probably (hopefully) having the worst time of my life right now and I just feel like I have no one to talk to that truly gets it. Yes, I feel horrible for even thinking like this. I feel like I'm wishing them to be like that again, even though I'd rather be skinned alive than ever even suggesting suicide to someone. I just miss that "intimacy" sometimes, and again, I hate myself for this. In a way I miss who they were, even if I don't ever want them to be like that again.
I dont even know what I'm looking for, maybe to see if it's a relatable thing? Never seen anyone talk about this before.
