passivethought121
Student
- Jun 11, 2023
- 314
I assumed it'd be better to put it here, since Im not raving about how good itd be to drop dead at this very second like usual.
It's been a week now since I haven't thought of dying, which is a personal record. Previous PR was 2 days, under specific physical and mental circumstances that cant be sustained for more than 2 days. I suppose it has something to do with HRT, which I started a week ago. I wasnt particularly excited or terrified to start. Usually, I wake up and immediately get upset that I survived the night, but that hasn't happened in 5 days, which is a side effect I did note might happen from my research. Other effects have started but this is the most significant. And I dont immediately think of dying over any inconvenience. Its like my brain is being rewired to think and process things properly instead of taking the typical neuron route to SN/gunshot/suspension enactment fantasies. And now I can imagine a real future instead of a void. It's odd. While it's nice, I fear that this is just a spark of hope that'll leave and I'll be miserable forever again. Death has been so comforting for the last 8 years or so. I've relied on it to keep going, to get me through trying times. "Once we're x years old, we'll get our car and our method and be free" is something I've told myself every year since middle school. I've planned on starting HRT for a few years now, but I was pessimistic and assumed it somehow wouldn't work and I'd just CTB anyway, or that it would get banned before I start it. If I imagine myself dead within the next few years, I don't feel the ecstasy I used to feel. Sure, being dead means I never have to socialize ever again (currently my reasons for hating life, seriously), but then I'd miss out on everything life has to offer, which I feel I may be gaining the capacity to actually enjoy. For so long life has just been misery with a teaspoon of life, but now it might be life with a teaspoon of sadness. But what does life feel like with the capacity to live?
It's been a week now since I haven't thought of dying, which is a personal record. Previous PR was 2 days, under specific physical and mental circumstances that cant be sustained for more than 2 days. I suppose it has something to do with HRT, which I started a week ago. I wasnt particularly excited or terrified to start. Usually, I wake up and immediately get upset that I survived the night, but that hasn't happened in 5 days, which is a side effect I did note might happen from my research. Other effects have started but this is the most significant. And I dont immediately think of dying over any inconvenience. Its like my brain is being rewired to think and process things properly instead of taking the typical neuron route to SN/gunshot/suspension enactment fantasies. And now I can imagine a real future instead of a void. It's odd. While it's nice, I fear that this is just a spark of hope that'll leave and I'll be miserable forever again. Death has been so comforting for the last 8 years or so. I've relied on it to keep going, to get me through trying times. "Once we're x years old, we'll get our car and our method and be free" is something I've told myself every year since middle school. I've planned on starting HRT for a few years now, but I was pessimistic and assumed it somehow wouldn't work and I'd just CTB anyway, or that it would get banned before I start it. If I imagine myself dead within the next few years, I don't feel the ecstasy I used to feel. Sure, being dead means I never have to socialize ever again (currently my reasons for hating life, seriously), but then I'd miss out on everything life has to offer, which I feel I may be gaining the capacity to actually enjoy. For so long life has just been misery with a teaspoon of life, but now it might be life with a teaspoon of sadness. But what does life feel like with the capacity to live?
