Losing my Humanity

[CryWolf]

These last few years have been tough. I've always been suicidal, but charismatic and fun. Able to keep a mask up.
Now, I feel like I'm not full of shit anymore and very raw and scared when communicating with others.
It's like every time I reach out, without fail, I say something innocuous that would not normally mean much, but it sends someone over the edge and they attack me. Every conversation now, is me listening to someone talk about themselves and the most pointless things I can tell they don't care about either. My presence feels like a burden. I went to a party and was shocked that I have lost my ability to interact, hiding in the kitchen with the dog. I feel like I'm unconscious sometimes and words just come out of my mouth, I don't make eye contact anymore. But now more than ever, I feel like people are watching me, looking at me curiously, complementing my looks/clothes. It almost feels like the universe is playing tricks on me. I can't interact, but everyone is trying to approach me. Sometimes mid sentence or when asked a question, my mind literally blanks and I am unable to speak. I feel like something is wrong with me other than depression and I've had many health problems over the last few years. But I can't help but feel like there is something wrong in the universe. I have always wanted and tried so desperately to seek real connections, but after so much heartache, thinking about any I've had in the past I realize they weren't real. When people try to suggest I date or go out or invite a friend to do something, I want to laugh hysterically because it is impossible at this point. Even my family seems like sock puppets. It feels like I've finally seen through the false reality that's all around me and it's challenging me. Like in Inception and the Truman Show, if that makes sense?

(Just rambling and trying to explain the feeling, I've also been struggling with posting on here and receiving comments from people being upset and arguing, so please be gentle. I'm just discussing my personal feelings right now and I'm at the end of my rope)

 

[YesImAware]

If you know something IS wrong have you looked at other, chemical, means of getting your mind out of the funk so you can try to date , etc?

 

[Toxic Positivity]

Ah, a fellow dog-in-the-kitchen hider

Same, friend. I went to a superbowl party yesterday and, not being "full of shit" anymore...that's real. I am not even pretending anymore to be alright. Maybe that's a good thing? At least it feels more honest. There are some Marina lyrics I'm thinking of:

Better to be hated/
Than loved, loved, loved for what you're not

 

[Gsvko]

I relate so much

 

[whatevs]

It sounds a little bit like you are living in a Jacob's Ladder samsara.

We probably all are. Matt Mackingley has floated the idea that we are inside a "Bardos" like reality, as described in Tibetan Buddhism. Certainly, the symbology and coordination of the global conspiracy prove that we are living in something similar, as you pointed out re Inception, but IMO is more like Dark City.

I'm at the end of my rope

Don't worry about that, you will fit in just fine.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering so much. It sounds like you are going through a lot, I can imagine that must be unbearable. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[CryWolf]

If you know something IS wrong have you looked at other, chemical, means of getting your mind out of the funk so you can try to date , etc?

I did therapy in college and was diagnosed with tourette's. (Which I expected) I was turned off because there's not really any prescription for it. Their only recommended treatment was electro shock therapy or lithium. I now realize that it's almost always comorbid with another disorder (possibly ocd) so I'm considering seeking professional help soon. Just scared, haven't ever been on any prescriptions or seen doctors because my parents knew they would try and medicate the shit out of their tic-y child. At this point, I'm so depressed and anxious and out of touch with reality, that I'm willing to try medication and therapy. Or blow my brains out lol.