Looking for answers

[TheOneFreeDude]

Why is there almost never a note, the not knowing why in most cases is brutal in itself?

I can't speak for others, but what I'll say is this is a matter of preference. Some would like to let others know why they've chosen what they've chosen, while others either simply don't care or are in such deep pain that it's hard to bring pen to paper, metaphorically or not.

Do you think what damage this will cause your parents?

Again, I'll speak for myself. Yes, I do. Each and every time I think of suicide, I think of them and what it'd bring to them. But there's this tricky thing about suicide. If you're even considering taking your own life, then all else has lost meaning, including that. "Yes, they might miss me, they might mourn me, but give them a couple years and they'll be fine" is one of the excuses I always try to convince myself of.

In a lot of cases as with mine this goes completely undetected, how do you go about a normal day then take your life without confiding in someone?

Sometimes you simply can't trust anyone to tell that. Not your husband, not your wife, not your father or son, not even your therapist. Sometimes all you need to do is be able to speak freely about what you think and feel with a bunch of people going through the same. They won't call the police to stop you or try to get you to a psych ward at least.

Which brings me to, is there usually someone or a group be it online or in person that does know, I just did not see that side?

Nope. Some people express it, some hide it, some are very open, some very shy about it, there's really no definitive answer to that. Depends on the person.

Is there usually something that has caused you to want to leave this life, or do you just not want to live for various reasons?

I personally don't like this "is there usually..." phrasing. Makes us look like cattle. One big mass of identical people acting as a hivemind. We're different, we think differently and act differently. I can speak for myself. It's not a single thing, it's a chain of bad choices I've made that led me into a bottomless pit of poverty, addiction and misery. There probably is a solution for me, but I just don't want to have to deal with all this anymore. I just gave up.

Does anyone give thought to what is beyond, not wanting to get into a religious debate, just curious if you think about the "next" step?

One of three, either nothing, hell or some sort of spiritual world. I'm willing to risk it.

 

[moonlightbeach]

Thought for all reading. So all of these feelings and reasons are valid. But they are experienced by probably millions just in the USA given a population of 340 million, my point is statistically very few acts on these feelings with the solution being suicide. What brings some to suicide but the vast majority, feeling the same issues, roll on?

suicide is not welcome in the society that we live in. what @Dante_ said - imagine a situation where a human is suicidal but their family is fully against it. they might rationalize these thoughts or say that a voice has possessed them and that they don't actually want to do it. in reality there's a big chance that they're actually suppressing their ideation because they don't want to upset the family. i think the vast majority of americans are very family-oriented too. many hurt themselves physically without the intent of dying - simply because it helps them nurture their inner pain and get back in control.

the biggest sign is the lack of hope and lack of motivation. i'm in a situation where there is not a possible way in the universe to reduce my suffering to the minimum, so i don't see why i should be awake every day just to survive when i don't want to and feel miserable. it differs person to person.

 

[Leaving1970]

What you're really asking is why your son didn't "roll on" when so many people do. We can't answer that. Maybe there is no answer. Here, some people stick around because they can't find a good method. Or they worry too much about their family. Maybe that's too hurtful to hear, it makes you think your son didn't care about you, because he did it. Of course he cared about you. But whatever drove him to kill himself was overpowering. He didn't want to hurt you, but he did anyway. Bereaved families often call suicide selfish for that reason. I can understand that view to some extent. But I think it's in turn selfish for a bereaved person to say "how could they do this to me?!".

Yeah, I wouldn't say it is selfish. To say the whole thing is complicated is an understatement. It's just very troubling not know what was the overpowering issue? That answer I will never have and I'm not sure how to move past.
Also, the guilt and pain of how did you let this happen to your child? How did you let him/her have this kind of suffering. Some of us that you leave behind will not move forward.

 

[Carrot]

What brings some to suicide but the vast majority, feeling the same issues, roll on?

The simplest explanation is that people have different tolerance for various things, and different breaking points.

 

[avalokitesvara]

Yeah, I wouldn't say it is selfish. To say the whole thing is complicated is an understatement. It's just very troubling not know what was the overpowering issue? That answer I will never have and I'm not sure how to move past.
Also, the guilt and pain of how did you let this happen to your child? How did you let him/her have this kind of suffering. Some of us that you leave behind will not move forward.

From a buddhist perspective, we have to see that all things are interrelated and all things arise, exist, then pass away (interdependence and impermanence).

The causes for what happens are extremely complicated and unclear. In the case of suicide, even mental health "experts" and sociologists can't put forward a neat explanation.

If someone kills themselves I think we can say there isn't just one reason. Their past, their current feelings, perhaps a triggering event, the state of the world, the family background, epigenetics, trauma, perhaps social contagion, substance abuse, a secret life of shame for some reason, an undiagnosed mental illness... any or none of those things or many others.

When you lose a child, of course you feel personally responsible to some extent. But you're not. You were responsible for bringing a person into the world, but what happens to that person and what choices they make after they stop being a dependent infant, is not at all your responsibility.

There's a story that a woman lost her child and went mad, walking naked through the village screaming. She was taken to Buddha, who she asked for a magic spell to bring back her child. Buddha said, OK, but for the spell to work you must bring me a grain of sesame from a household where they have never known loss and grief. So the woman went out and of course, in no house could she find anyone who had not suffered the loss of a loved one. This cured her madness, even though it didn't bring her son back.

Even if your son hadn't committed suicide, he would have died one day. You couldn't have stopped cancer, or a brain haemorrhage, or a speeding car, or a dodgy dealer at a party, or old age happening to him. Committing suicide was his way of dying, and it is more shocking because it feels like he chose it. But whatever drove him towards it was not his choice. Maybe if he'd reached out and got help it could have been prevented. But maybe not. We don't know, and we can't change what happened.

You can love and mourn him with a mother's attachment and grief, but you can also love him with the wisdom of interdependence and impermanence. Everything will die and pass, and for always. That's just how it is. We can dislike it intensely and wish it wasn't so, but that compounds our suffering.

If you can try to accept the reality of the situation instead of constantly asking "why?" or "what could have been different?", I think you will help yourself a lot. I'm not saying you will be made whole. I don't think that's possible. Your child is irreplaceable, there's nothing that can fill the hole he left. But you can start accepting that this is what happened, and it can't be fully understood, nor changed.

 

[alwaysalone]

Thought for all reading. So all of these feelings and reasons are valid. But they are experienced by probably millions just in the USA given a population of 340 million, my point is statistically very few acts on these feelings with the solution being suicide. What brings some to suicide but the vast majority, feeling the same issues, roll on?

To be fair those responding are still rolling. Survival instinct is very hard to overcome. Personally I'm a parent myself so there's a lot of guilt. I also have family im close to. However even for those who have no one it's still very hard. There are threads on here discussing over thinking suicide vs impulsive. Impulsiveness can lead to wounding but it can also lead to a much faster death.

 

[Vorty30]

Holy Hell do those questions feel like a pro lifer's wet dream.

 

[Leaving1970]

Holy Hell do those questions feel like a pro lifer's wet dream.

What does that statement mean?

From a buddhist perspective, we have to see that all things are interrelated and all things arise, exist, then pass away (interdependence and impermanence).

The causes for what happens are extremely complicated and unclear. In the case of suicide, even mental health "experts" and sociologists can't put forward a neat explanation.

If someone kills themselves I think we can say there isn't just one reason. Their past, their current feelings, perhaps a triggering event, the state of the world, the family background, epigenetics, trauma, perhaps social contagion, substance abuse, a secret life of shame for some reason, an undiagnosed mental illness... any or none of those things or many others.

When you lose a child, of course you feel personally responsible to some extent. But you're not. You were responsible for bringing a person into the world, but what happens to that person and what choices they make after they stop being a dependent infant, is not at all your responsibility.

There's a story that a woman lost her child and went mad, walking naked through the village screaming. She was taken to Buddha, who she asked for a magic spell to bring back her child. Buddha said, OK, but for the spell to work you must bring me a grain of sesame from a household where they have never known loss and grief. So the woman went out and of course, in no house could she find anyone who had not suffered the loss of a loved one. This cured her madness, even though it didn't bring her son back.

Even if your son hadn't committed suicide, he would have died one day. You couldn't have stopped cancer, or a brain haemorrhage, or a speeding car, or a dodgy dealer at a party, or old age happening to him. Committing suicide was his way of dying, and it is more shocking because it feels like he chose it. But whatever drove him towards it was not his choice. Maybe if he'd reached out and got help it could have been prevented. But maybe not. We don't know, and we can't change what happened.

You can love and mourn him with a mother's attachment and grief, but you can also love him with the wisdom of interdependence and impermanence. Everything will die and pass, and for always. That's just how it is. We can dislike it intensely and wish it wasn't so, but that compounds our suffering.

If you can try to accept the reality of the situation instead of constantly asking "why?" or "what could have been different?", I think you will help yourself a lot. I'm not saying you will be made whole. I don't think that's possible. Your child is irreplaceable, there's nothing that can fill the hole he left. But you can start accepting that this is what happened, and it can't be fully understood, nor changed.

interesting perspective - thank you

 

[thelement115]

Why is there almost never a note? The not knowing why in most cases is brutal in itself.

I can't answer for your son. In my case, I wouldn't do it. I feel my reasons are pretty pathetic, so I just don't want others to know.

Do you think about what damage this will cause your parents?

Yes, I think the damage to my mom would be brutal. I think my friends, sister, and dad would be able to move on easily, but not my mom. I've already disappointed her, so I don't want to cause her more pain.

In a lot of cases—as with mine—this goes completely undetected. How do you go about a normal day, then take your life without confiding in someone?

As I said before, I feel my reasons are dumb, so I don't really want to talk about it. Also, I don't think someone can help me either, so it's just pointless.

Which brings me to— is there usually someone or a group, be it online or in person, that does know? I just did not see that side.

I vent online. Anonymity helps me feel comfortable. In person, I don't really think about it.

Is there usually something that has caused you to want to leave this life, or do you just not want to live for various reasons?

Romance. I'm unable to get girls to like me. When I was 13–15, I thought time would make it easier, so I had hope. Today I'm 24 with zero progress, and the realization that with every day, it's harder. I was naive, thinking that like other things, it would become easier if I just gained more life experience. This has developed into my own deterioration. At the beginning, I was just sad about my situation. Later I started feeling hopelessness, then sadness and shame when seeing couples, and eventually feeling sad and ashamed when seeing women in general. Now I have constant negative thoughts and insomnia. The idea that this is my life, and it's going to be like this until I die, fills me with a kind of extreme internal dread that I would just like to end.

Does anyone give thought to what is beyond? Not wanting to get into a religious debate, just curious if you think about the "next" step.

I don't believe in another life, so I think I would just rest forever.