Venting lonely but not alone

[magikalangelmimi]

feeling incredibly lost and alone even though i know i'm not, that i also have friends and some family who care about me, but it doesn't feel like it's enough and it sucks to say it
i've tried a lot of things, therapy, art, friendship making, story writing, going outside, etc etc

i always am scared to talk about how i feel but i guess it's better to say it here because everybody's a stranger to me
but i wish i was dead, often
everyday i just kinda wake up and either work or stay in bed and it's just so.. repitibe
family keeps putting themselves in dumb finical situations and expect me to always help bevuse i'm the oldest sibling and such and it hurts
i want someone to care for me too, someone i can ask for help
i don't really feel a lot of emotion either and that also just makes me feel out of place, yeah as i'm writing this i feel upset wnd cry but i'll forget about it later and i don't know what's wrong with me

i've planned my own CTB for a long time but i always also chicken out and so i feel like i'm doomed to stay alive until something happens to me
sorry this is all kinda scrambled, wanted it off my chest before i clock back in

thank you for listening / reading

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. This life really is so tiring and I know that it is hard to carry on when you are struggling. I hope that you find some relief from what you are going through.