I write messages to people that won't answer, but I wait believing that maybe this time they'll do, they haven't blocked me nor told me anything at all, just silence. I once told them that I hated silence, the brain doesn't know what's going on and creates the worst stuff. I arrive home just to sleep, is no good that I check messages, nobody will message either way. I'm losing the need to talk, I may forget how to and remain silent.
Losing the need to talk is key. I really believe that it is only in silence that we can stop suffering. It requires a deep surrender to silence. No more noise; not even parasocial relationships like forums, YouTube or podcasts.
The mind is an incredibly powerful thing. If you truly want to live, you can carve a world out for yourself in your head that is habitable for you. In fact, the world that you and I think we live in, is just an artifact of our own minds.
This is all well in theory. But of course you might complain:
1. I do not "enjoy" life for xyz reason.
2. I do not want to exit because abc reason.
In other words these complaints translate to:
1. I am not content with the current world that I have built in my mind.
2. I want to live. (Otherwise I'd be gone already.)
It's hard for me to admit #2, but I think it's true, and every time I get close to ctb I realise that I actually want to live. Perhaps it's biological.
The hardest thing about "worldbuilding" is that we all have to agree to this one stupid reality. We have to wake up, talk to people (e.g. parents), go participate in institutions (democracy, school, and so on). Most of us are all forced to connect into the "real world", the one that brings us so much pain.
IF You are lucky enough to be truly alone, then you are blessed. It is not a surprise that mystics of the past all advocated for things like meditation, disappearing into caces or gardens where they were surrounded by no-one. If you truly are alone, try to disconnect. Build your own world. Perhaps it is your loneliness that will truly set you free.
