Venting living is way too hard. all of this, and for what?

[ornitologa]

when i was a teenager i made the stupid decision to choose an academically challenging career.
this career lasts 5 1/2 years and is full time, so i can't go to a day job and go to classes in the evening. part time jobs are also rare in my country, and since i never worked before that makes me really hard to hire. the only good thing is that at least college is free in my country. i could technically still go to college if i leave my parents house, the problem is that i won't have food, a place to sleep, etc. there are no homeless shelters or students residency in my country, and the few help that exists is fore extremely poor people who definitely need it more than me.

even if i have these things now, i try to go to class but lately i barely pass, since i find it so hard to focus. probably have some undiagnosed ADHD. i technically got diagnosed with autism a few years ago, but i didn't got medication, follow up treatment or anything. so i don't even know if that diagnosis counts. anyways, the only reason i still go to class is because i have nothing else to do. i already spent so much time and energy in this, i even had to repeat several years so it feels like it's taking forever to finish. i don't even like this career anymore, my only motivation to continue is that maybe one day i could move out from my house. i don't like living with my family and i desperately want out.

i don't know if anything makes me happy, i'm not looking forward to anything. i literally just want to get out of here. there's not a single good thing about my life anymore. being depressed makes me unpleasant. some people like me when they first get to know me, but after a while they figure out something's off and they distance themselves. this is not due to my depression, it's always been like this for me.
i am not good at talking, i don't know how to hold a conversation, so i tried doing favors to people, complimenting them whenever i could, repeatedly forgiving people that were mean to me. i accepted being humiliated so many times, just so i couldn't end up alone. these days i don't have friends anymore, i gave up. my family also doesn't like me, they barely acknowledge me. we could go days without talking to each other, and it's for the best. when we talk, it's painful.
i don't like myself either. i can't think of a single positive thing about myself. i don't have anything i want to continue living for. i used to like videogames, but i can't enjoy them anymore because they're expensive, and i have to hide myself from my mom while playing them. i can only find peace at my house when she's out of the house or she's sleeping. this is not a good life, and i don't know what can i do to change it, but if it even is worth changing at all.
(sorry for my bad english btw)

 

[milkytoast467]

I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm suffering the same situation as well. If you want to talk about it, my dms are open. Hope it doesn't bother you <3

 

[GT Darkarage]

when i was a teenager i made the stupid decision to choose an academically challenging career.
this career lasts 5 1/2 years and is full time, so i can't go to a day job and go to classes in the evening. part time jobs are also rare in my country, and since i never worked before that makes me really hard to hire. the only good thing is that at least college is free in my country. i could technically still go to college if i leave my parents house, the problem is that i won't have food, a place to sleep, etc. there are no homeless shelters or students residency in my country, and the few help that exists is fore extremely poor people who definitely need it more than me.

even if i have these things now, i try to go to class but lately i barely pass, since i find it so hard to focus. probably have some undiagnosed ADHD. i technically got diagnosed with autism a few years ago, but i didn't got medication, follow up treatment or anything. so i don't even know if that diagnosis counts. anyways, the only reason i still go to class is because i have nothing else to do. i already spent so much time and energy in this, i even had to repeat several years so it feels like it's taking forever to finish. i don't even like this career anymore, my only motivation to continue is that maybe one day i could move out from my house. i don't like living with my family and i desperately want out.

i don't know if anything makes me happy, i'm not looking forward to anything. i literally just want to get out of here. there's not a single good thing about my life anymore. being depressed makes me unpleasant. some people like me when they first get to know me, but after a while they figure out something's off and they distance themselves. i don't have friends anymore, my family doesn't like me.
i don't like myself either. i can't think of a single positive thing about myself. i don't have anything i want to continue living for. i used to like videogames, but i can't enjoy them anymore because they're expensive, and i have to hide myself from my mom while playing them. i can only find peace at my house when she's out of the house or she's sleeping. this is not a good life, and i don't know what can i do to change it, but if it even is worth changing at all.
(sorry for my bad english btw)

I understand this situation, university tends to be hard for some of us. I even changed career once.

And I understand your situation. I still live with my parents and a brother with his wife and children.

That is so fucked up. I don't enjoy games too, once they used to jude me.

My advice could be, if you're at a later year (maybe 3rd year) you could leave the university for a while.

Make your own money and enjoy it. Fuck off your family.

Something I can say, yes it will cost you time. I mean working and studying at the same time is difficult.

But in mi experience (I'm not in your country take that in consideration) - university is worthy only if at the end you have connections and options. If not. You will only be lucky if a company appreciates your preparation.

Most of the time in my situation. The companies don't even hire prepared people, they look more for experience and people capable to be exploited.

This is just my experience. Sure in other countries the thing is different.

The idea is that maybe sometimes growing in a company is more worthy than even studying. Studying will help you once you want to get a better salary and you have the experience to.