living is painful

[rabbithole]

too many awful memories that make me feel like I'm being kicked in the heart. I want to leave but I'm so afraid of hurting my parents. They've told me they will die if I ctb. fuck.

idk what to do anymore.
me dying almost definitely assures my parents close to 3 million dollars though. I just don't know if they'll care to have it at that point. most likely not.

 

[Nymph]

My dad told me the same thing while my mom told me to just kill myself. Makes it a bit confusing of what I'm supposed to do

 

[alice-in-wonderland]

hey, i hope you will find peace one way or another I used to be worried about my mom than about myself (when considering suicide too) until the day she went missing for one and a half day. She turned out to be ok, but totally ignored the fact that people would go crazy imagining she is dead somewhere. I think this incident triggered to start thinking about myself first.
What and how you feel matters first and foremost.
Totally off topic, but I am reading this "The Drama of Being a Child : The Search for the True Self" by Alice Miller in order to disentangle myself from my mom and her feelings so I could put myself first.

 

[rabbithole]

My dad told me the same thing while my mom told me to just kill myself. Makes it a bit confusing of what I'm supposed to do

Wth. I'm so sorry. That's awful.

 

[stygal]

I guess it's up to you if you want to stay or not. You shouldn't feel guilty because of actions others might or might not take. That's soo unfair from them to tell you that and to try and pressure you into staying here.

But that's exactly the egoistic shit parents pull - bringing a child into this world out of selfish reasons and hindering it to leave by guilt-tripping it.

 

[Ender]

Being in this spot is so, so agonizing. Forgive me for saying this but, that's such a manipulating, and fucking selfish thing for your parents say.

My dad told me the same thing while my mom told me to just kill myself. Makes it a bit confusing of what I'm supposed to do

I'm really sorry for your soul to be at the hands of malicious words by people who are supposed to love. But, in the end, you make the decision.