Venting Living in suicidal ideation is such a hell and seems like infinte loop

[markimobzzdeasui]

Last July I became certain that suicide is no longer an option for me. I realised that there is no way I can live even a normal life. That was the level of shit I have had faced upto that point. Plus chronic suicidality fucked me up beyond repair! But I never thought that the limbo period would be that much hellish! I thought that once I get my method I would peacefully go with some alone days where I would finally get some relief. But it seems like a scam to me now.
Having constant 24/7 suicidal thoughts for 5-6 months on trot have completely changed me. It killed my motivation,health,mind, spirit and put me into darkness that I never even thought was possible. It seems like a self fulfilling prophecy. Once the idea of suicide goes into your head,it takes away quite a lot of positive things and any remaining hope. Maybe it is because I am still stuck in an abusive environment or maybe it is because I cannot enjoy anything anymore and day by day I am just getting closer to the dark pit of nothingness that I have to eventually go into!
Anyone else has faces something like this? I know that having a life is actually impossible for me. My body,mind,taumas and the abusive people I am surrounded with, have made sure of this. I don't mind dying at all but I hate this stage I am going through. I am actually scared now thinking about how it will end for me. There will come a day/situation soon enough where I will be triggered and then have to somehow gather the courage to do it anyhow. It may even involve certain level of impulsivity ,which I don't like because of the chances of failure. I just wish that atleast my last days could be peaceful and of self contentment.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, I have never wanted to live and for me personally suicide is the only thing that makes sense, yet I am trapped in this world as it is so difficult to ctb. All that I want is to peacefully pass away. I'm sorry that you have to suffer so much, this life really can be torture. I can imagine that it must be unbearable what you are going through. I cannot live as well, I cannot cope with life and there is nothing here for me in this world. Maybe eventually I will get desperate enough to find a way to leave. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[markimobzzdeasui]

You're not alone. My SI is really strong. I made CTB the most peaceful for myself. It can't be any better. I am still afraid. CTB in August. I hope...

If CTB is no longer an option for you, perhaps you can make plans for living. No one can force you to live or die. I wish the best for you.

Thank you. I meant that Ctb is now a necessity and not a choice that I can choose not to do. I wish you find peace in whatever you decide to do

In my case, I have never wanted to live and for me personally suicide is the only thing that makes sense, yet I am trapped in this world as it is so difficult to ctb. All that I want is to peacefully pass away. I'm sorry that you have to suffer so much, this life really can be torture. I can imagine that it must be unbearable what you are going through. I cannot live as well, I cannot cope with life and there is nothing here for me in this world. Maybe eventually I will get desperate enough to find a way to leave. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

Thank you for your kind words. Hope you get peace you desire as well.

 

[Sunset Limited]

Thank you. I meant that Ctb is now a necessity and not a choice that I can choose not to do. I wish you find peace in whatever you decide to do

Thank you for your kind words. Hope you get peace you desire as well.

Misunderstanding. I deleted my message.