Help listening to the abuser that doesn’t know/recognize they abused you.

[loslassen]

so, I won't name them or use their proper pronouns bc it's a big big trigger for me, but I wanted to vent about it and hopefully get some feedback, I don't get triggered by other peoples experiences so you can also share your own if you relate to me in any way.

I was abused throughout multiple years and occasions when I was a child and growing up by someone that I still share a home with. this someone also suffered experiences of abuse but by strangers and other people in their life much later after what they did to me.

it seems they have forgotten or denied the fact they abused me, because they're so easy to open up about their abuse experiences with me and this always baffles and conflicts me. I show them empathy and listen, and they have no idea of what my true feelings are. but i could never, ever address it, I don't know how much worse it would be to share a home with them if the topic is revived.

I just, hate it and it pains me. their acts have put me through so much suffering and distrust, exploitation and addiction, fear and insecurity, made me genuinely homophobic, I just recently also deducted that their actions must've caused my bed wetting at 7 years old. so now can I truly ever forgive them, should I? I feel like I act like I have, but deep deep down, I just have come to hate them.

does anyone else go through anything like this?

 

[ayla]

ur not alone, i was abused by my cousins dad (he passed when i was 10?) and just recently read that bed wetting is a sign of abuse. i thought the abuse was just something my twin brother and i endured until i thought about it more.. my cousin also wet the bed. more details of my abuse started to linger in my head and well obviously i cant say theyre 100% a victim but im about 99% sure loll. my cousin used to shame my brother and i for bed wetting like reallllly shame and i used to hate them for it but now i cant help but just feel bad for them because i now know it was projection but it doesnt and will never make it ok, i will never forgive them for treating me the way they did but i do think ive came to accept that its okay to feel some empathy but that doesnt mean everything is forgotten or forgiven. i hope you dont feel like your abuse isnt valid because they seem to have forgotten, youre valid always op!

 

[Forever Sleep]

I grew up with someone I believe was and is a narcissist. My situation wasn't so physically abusive but I can relate on them seeing themselves as the victim. They started off with bullying but moved on to playing the victim and blaming me for all sorts of stuff I hadn't done. It was terrifying ad deeply upsetting at the time. They were the main reason I first had suicidal thoughts.

Luckily, they aren't someone I felt the need to reconcile with, so cutting them out of my life as much as possible was at least feasible.

But honestly- I don't think you can even reason with such people. I guess we all have a version of events going on in our minds but theirs are so warped, yet so vital to their sense of self (as I understand it,) trying to confront them with it is likely very unwise. Do you think this person could be a narcissist? Two very good YouTube channels that discuss it are: 'The Crappy Childhood Fairy' and 'Live Abuse Free'. It's not like I even know for sure the person in my life was but, most of their behaviours were there. Other people think they are too. But, it actually did help me to learn about all this stuff. It made me feel less crazy. Like- why would someone do all that stuff when you hadn't done anything to them?

I expect it will be tricky if you need to have this person in your life. YouTube I've found is a very good resource on things like this though. Trying to process what's happened and how to deal with these sorts of people. Good luck.

 

[loslassen]

I grew up with someone I believe was and is a narcissist. My situation wasn't so physically abusive but I can relate on them seeing themselves as the victim. They started off with bullying but moved on to playing the victim and blaming me for all sorts of stuff I hadn't done. It was terrifying ad deeply upsetting at the time. They were the main reason I first had suicidal thoughts.

Luckily, they aren't someone I felt the need to reconcile with, so cutting them out of my life as much as possible was at least feasible.

But honestly- I don't think you can even reason with such people. I guess we all have a version of events going on in our minds but theirs are so warped, yet so vital to their sense of self (as I understand it,) trying to confront them with it is likely very unwise. Do you think this person could be a narcissist? Two very good YouTube channels that discuss it are: 'The Crappy Childhood Fairy' and 'Live Abuse Free'. It's not like I even know for sure the person in my life was but, most of their behaviours were there. Other people think they are too. But, it actually did help me to learn about all this stuff. It made me feel less crazy. Like- why would someone do all that stuff when you hadn't done anything to them?

I expect it will be tricky if you need to have this person in your life. YouTube I've found is a very good resource on things like this though. Trying to process what's happened and how to deal with these sorts of people. Good luck.

thank you for the advice, it's just that the kind of abuse i'm addressing is sexual abuse, I forgot to specify but I supposed the way I explained my story would be rather self explanatory. I do not believe that this person is a narcissist but the issue is I could never address the abuse they inflicted on me because we live together, and it happened when I was really young, so it's just, something I deal with everyday, literally dissociating myself to forget how much pain they caused me as I see their face and talk to them everyday…

 

[Forever Sleep]

thank you for the advice, it's just that the kind of abuse i'm addressing is sexual abuse, I forgot to specify but I supposed the way I explained my story would be rather self explanatory. I do not believe that this person is a narcissist but the issue is I could never address the abuse they inflicted on me because we live together, and it happened when I was really young, so it's just, something I deal with everyday, literally dissociating myself to forget how much pain they caused me as I see their face and talk to them everyday…

I'm sorry. Yes, I kind of realised after I'd posted that my experience wasn't very relevant.

I'm so, so sorry for what you went through. It must be incredibly difficult still living with them. Have you ever told another family member or, close friend? Even a therapist? It must be a heavy burden to deal with alone. I can't say I'm a massive believer in therapy but in this case, I imagine they could have some advice on how to live with this.

 

[loslassen]

ur not alone, i was abused by my cousins dad (he passed when i was 10?) and just recently read that bed wetting is a sign of abuse. i thought the abuse was just something my twin brother and i endured until i thought about it more.. my cousin also wet the bed. more details of my abuse started to linger in my head and well obviously i cant say theyre 100% a victim but im about 99% sure loll. my cousin used to shame my brother and i for bed wetting like reallllly shame and i used to hate them for it but now i cant help but just feel bad for them because i now know it was projection but it doesnt and will never make it ok, i will never forgive them for treating me the way they did but i do think ive came to accept that its okay to feel some empathy but that doesnt mean everything is forgotten or forgiven. i hope you dont feel like your abuse isnt valid because they seem to have forgotten, youre valid always op!

thank you for your sympathy, I'm so sorry about what happened to you, though I'm glad you've come to understand how what happened affected several people, wether you forgive or not, understanding is enough to come to terms with it easier, specially now that your abuser is dead. I hope you're doing better, I get just how one of somebody's selfish decisions can affect your entire life and perspective/physical state towards your sex life and own body. it pains me, but all we can do is move on and find people we can trust and that will understand this and treat us with respect. best wishes, seriously

 

[Innereye]

Trauma bonds are rough. It's helpful to realize that neither party actually saw each other in any capacity. Both of you are just projecting childhood wounds and outsourcing ego functions onto the other.

Always a two-sided street and the only way out is taking accountability for your side, acknowledging who you are. Not morally or anything superfluous, just the nature of things.

 

[loslassen]

I'm sorry. Yes, I kind of realised after I'd posted that my experience wasn't very relevant.

I'm so, so sorry for what you went through. It must be incredibly difficult still living with them. Have you ever told another family member or, close friend? Even a therapist? It must be a heavy burden to deal with alone. I can't say I'm a massive believer in therapy but in this case, I imagine they could have some advice on how to live with this.

no it's okay, thank you, you sound like a genuine person.

a family member knows, but they're the kind of person to ask silence, I also suspect they have some kind of personality disorder so they pretty much, very much brushed it off. the topic was partially brought up two years ago but all it did was make me cry in front of my abuser and them wanting to stay away from me, and the third party person just, let time pass by to ignore it again… I could never talk about what happened exactly so it just stayed frozen there, and now this person acts like it's something we got over with together.

my partner does know, and they've heard the same vents I've posted on here and a few more personal things, but since I haven't had the chance to actually cry in their arms I haven't really opened up about what happened to me exactly. it's just so painful to remember every day. i don't get traumatic flashbacks or alike, but I suffer the consequences of their actions every day. like the ones I listed above, as well as causing me trust issues to connect with women or be comfortable in my attraction to them, I feel revolting and homophobic. it's also been a really difficult thing in my relationship and sex life but I'm glad my partner is understanding and we've overcome several things together.

I just don't know why I still feel inherently affected by it in the end of the day though, no matter how much I open up for the very little I do, or how much I can work with my partner. it's just, sad

thank you for listening to me, truly

Trauma bonds are rough. It's helpful to realize that neither party actually saw each other in any capacity. Both of you are just projecting childhood wounds and outsourcing ego functions onto the other.

Always a two-sided street and the only way out is taking accountability for your side, acknowledging who you are. Not morally or anything superfluous, just the nature of things.

I understand where you're coming from but that is just too systematic for me, I don't have any accountability to admit to, and while I do understand what this person must've gone through, that's exactly why I can empathize with them, but what they did to me I won't ever be able to forgive.

 

[Forever Sleep]

no it's okay, thank you, you sound like a genuine person.

a family member knows, but they're the kind of person to ask silence, I also suspect they have some kind of personality disorder so they pretty much, very much brushed it off. the topic was partially brought up two years ago but all it did was make me cry in front of my abuser and them wanting to stay away from me, and the third party person just, let time pass by to ignore it again… I could never talk about what happened exactly so it just stayed frozen there, and now this person acts like it's something we got over with together.

my partner does know, and they've heard the same vents I've posted on here and a few more personal things, but since I haven't had the chance to actually cry in their arms I haven't really opened up about what happened to me exactly. it's just so painful to remember every day. i don't get traumatic flashbacks or alike, but I suffer the consequences of their actions every day. like the ones I listed above, as well as causing me trust issues to connect with women or be comfortable in my attraction to them, I feel revolting and homophobic. it's also been a really difficult thing in my relationship and sex life but I'm glad my partner is understanding and we've overcome several things together.

I just don't know why I still feel inherently affected by it in the end of the day though, no matter how much I open up for the very little I do, or how much I can work with my partner. it's just, sad

thank you for listening to me, truly

I understand where you're coming from but that is just too systematic for me, I don't have any accountability to admit to, and while I do understand what this person must've gone through, that's exactly why I can empathize with them, but what they did to me I won't ever be able to forgive.

I don't think you should give yourself such a hard time for struggling with it. I know of people who've had experiences like that and I think it's common that it stays with them and deeply affects their relationships in future. It actually appals me that someone would do that to a child knowing what affect it's bound to have on them- just to satisfy their own needs.

I'm not entirely surprised that your family member found it hard to deal with and it sounds like- brushed it aside. I think some things are just too big for people to handle. It's good that your partner knows and supports you. I still wonder if it would help to talk to someone neutral- professional. They wouldn't be so wrapped up in the situation. It's a big thing to do though- to be so honest with a stranger and I know therapy for people here hasn't always been beneficial.

I hope you can continue to heal from it in whatever way works. I don't know that it's something people ever get over. Really, I feel like anything traumatic that happens in childhood forms who we are and to an extent, we always carry it with us.