Lets talk about our day.

[Sleeper System]

Before I woke up this morning, I had a bad dream. I can't remember what it was about but I can remember the overwhelming feeling that I needed to die. Sort of like an impending sense of doom and an urgency to escape. I feel like if I remember the dream that I will fall into a deeper depression.

So I woke up, got dressed, brushed my teeth, and washed my face. I stared into my own eyes in the mirror for about 15 minutes and just cried. Trying to purge the negative feelings and trick myself into thinking that I'm fine. Going to work at a place that is tedious and meaningless everyday in a repeated cycle for years is a big part of my mental struggle. Still, I put on my earphones, put my head down, and did my job. Managed to get through the day with no issues

Got to talking with a few of my co-workers about the future and how the world is going and they simply were not worried at all. I don't know if it was an ignorance is bliss situation or if they did not understand the implications for them personally but I felt like I was the only one with my eyes open... and that really killed me.

Now, I'm home watching YouTube videos about "Kratom" because I'm thinking about trying it and about to eat some Chinese food. Trying to block out the bad thoughts and make it to sleep. Sleep is what I look forward to every day. That sweet sweet temporary death.

 

[FuneralCry]

My days are always very long and depressing, time passes too slowly. I live such an empty existence, in a way it is like I have already died but I am still breathing. I just try to pass the time until I fall asleep and it always feels so pointless me being alive. To me, it is horrifying that life is even a thing in the first place.

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. I know that it can be awful when everything seems so hopeless. I also see sleep as being like a break from this life, I wish that it is easier to make myself sleep for all eternity. I wish you the best and I hope you find relief from your pain.

 

[eremito]

not seeing the spring

 

[outrider567]

Each day's the same, watching old shows and films, punctuated by crying jags from the loss of her

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Merely existing

 

[Forever Sleep]

I completely get where you are coming from. I worked in retail for 10 years. I just always assumed that everyone around me hated it too, saw it as a shitty job and was desperate to get out (one way or the other...)

One day, I was talking to a colleague and said- 'What do you want to do [in life]- assuming that she had some other plan... but she just said- 'Well, for now, I'm working here'- more or less like that was fine. Trouble is- it was fine- it was a job. There are worse jobs out there. It was my perception of it I suppose. At that point, I wondered whether she was deluded thinking it was a great place to be but then I thought- even if she is- she's in a better place mentally than me! Maybe it's better to just be accepting.

My day has been going to look at some possible freelance work at somewhere I worked 6 years ago. The actual project isn't particularly nice. They're getting me to do it because no-one else wants to I think.. Still, it's work and it's been so quiet for me recently, I'm very grateful for it.

It's a whole weird mixture of feelings because- while I'm pretty isolated normally (work from home and live alone), covid has turned me into a full on recluse! In a way, it was actually nice to see people I had worked with years ago. (Although I became really stressed and unhappy there too! Maybe my expectations are too high or I just can't cope with basic things! It was a Head of Department job though- so less monotonous than retail but more stressful.)

I really feel for people on here who are in the desperate depths of depression. I can get like that but so long as I have (creative) work to distract me, I am just about treading water. Weird though, like I expect a lot of you, even in the 'ok' moments, there's still a big part of me that would just prefer it all to be over! It just tends to range in intensity!

Still, I'm very grateful for this forum and to have found it. It's nice to have a rant and be really honest about how you feel rather than just saying: 'I'm fine thanks.'