Leaving tonight (SN)

[asdfandqwerty]

April 13th, 2022. Tonight is the night. Currently 12 PM. At around 11 PM I'll come back to this thread - I'll be doing it after midnight. Until then, I'll be preparing. If anyone wants to be there, I'll see you later. Tired as all hell ATM. Insomnia has done a huge number on me.

 

[lostmylove]

Are you nervous? If not any tips on how to make peace with it.

 

[asdfandqwerty]

Are you nervous? If not any tips on how to make peace with it.

I have thought very, very long and hard about all this. With time, I've worked through my fears - generally speaking. I do get bad panic attacks though. Hopefully one won't happen tonight.

 

[lostmylove]

I have thought very, very long and hard about all this. With time, I've worked through my fears - generally speaking. I do get bad panic attacks though. Hopefully one won't happen tonight.

I'm glad you're set in what you want to do. I'm sure everyone will be nervous when it comes to it, when it comes to it for me I'm just gonna keep stressing m that this is the best option

 

[asdfandqwerty]

I'm glad you're set in what you want to do. I'm sure everyone will be nervous when it comes to it, when it comes to it for me I'm just gonna keep stressing m that this is the best option

Hey, everyone's circumstances are different. Maybe if your stress is completely uncontrollable, that's a sign you've overlooked something that may be keeping you from doing it. CTB is, of course, only one kind of solution.

 

[lostmylove]

Hey, everyone's circumstances are different. Maybe if your stress is completely uncontrollable, that's a sign you've overlooked something that may be keeping you from doing it. CTB is, of course, only one kind of solution.

My pain is unbearable. Only reason I'm here is I am waiting for a certain date to do it on, symbolic will help me push me over the edge. I have nightmares everyday, am unable to shower or eat, totally drained crying all day. In utter emotional reck. I'm probably a week out from just becoming a drug addict or drunk. There is no way back for me

 

[asdfandqwerty]

My pain is unbearable. Only reason I'm here is I am waiting for a certain date to do it on, symbolic will help me push me over the edge. I have nightmares everyday, am unable to shower or eat, totally drained crying all day. In utter emotional reck. I'm probably a week out from just becoming a drug addict or drunk. There is no way back for me

I'm very sorry to hear that, and I truly empathize. I hope you'll get the rest you deserve soon.

 

[lostmylove]

I'm very sorry to hear that, and I truly empathize. I hope you'll get the rest you deserve soon.

I hope there's an afterlife so I can see him again :/

 

[asdfandqwerty]

...Is sleeping that bad a way to spend one's final hours? I might screw this up if I'm mentally unprepared, but I'm so goddamn tired that I just want to rest. Maybe it'll grant me a clearer mind...

 

[eternalflame]

I think if you live alone then it' ok.

 

[Imperia]

How you spent your last hours is totally up to you.
I guess sleeping is certainly better than stressing.
For me, it helped to keep focus on the practical elements & intentionally dissociating myself from my emotions.
Good luck!

 

[MatthewV3]

Good luck, I hope everything will go well.

 

[Carlotta16]

My pain is unbearable. Only reason I'm here is I am waiting for a certain date to do it on, symbolic will help me push me over the edge. I have nightmares everyday, am unable to shower or eat, totally drained crying all day. In utter emotional reck. I'm probably a week out from just becoming a drug addict or drunk. There is no way back for me

I am completely the same as this my house is a complete mess when usually just am so house proud. I just have no motivation

 

[asdfandqwerty]

I am completely the same as this my house is a complete mess when usually just am so house proud. I just have no motivation

I get you guys. I live in a mess, don't exercise, and barely practice any hygiene at all. I just have no reason to put any effort into myself.

 

[Starylain001]

I suffer from incurable illness. Gonna join you soon, bro.

 

[asdfandqwerty]

I suffer from incurable illness. Gonna join you soon, bro.

I hope it all goes well for you man.

 

[Starylain001]

I hope it all goes well for you man.

Lady :) thanks. I will be following you today.

 

[asdfandqwerty]

Lady :) thanks. I will be following you today.

My apologies. I wish you luck. What method, if I may ask?

 

[roaming_soul]

...Is sleeping that bad a way to spend one's final hours? I might screw this up if I'm mentally unprepared, but I'm so goddamn tired that I just want to rest. Maybe it'll grant me a clearer mind...

Did you nap? I don't think it's a bad way to spend your last hours... just set an alarm though (what you choose to name that alarm is up to you ).Will remain with you in this thread today - you're not alone

 

[asdfandqwerty]

Did you nap? I don't think it's a bad way to spend your last hours... just set an alarm though (what you choose to name that alarm is up to you ).Will remain with you in this thread today - you're not alone

For the past few hours I've been finalizing my last letters to my family, which is why I cannot allow myself to just yet. Good suggestion, though.
And thank you for your kindness... this forum is a blessing.

 

[Starylain001]

My apologies. I wish you luck. What method, if I may ask?

Same as you since D stopped supplying N.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that it has come to this. I hope you find relief from suffering in whatever happens.

 

[houseofleaves]

Wish you a peaceful journey.

 

[miserableforever]

...Is sleeping that bad a way to spend one's final hours? I might screw this up if I'm mentally unprepared, but I'm so goddamn tired that I just want to rest. Maybe it'll grant me a clearer mind...

Do what you feel is the right thing to do. It's your life only and your final hours. Maybe you wake up and come to a different conclusion. Sleep can make us feel so much better.

 

[asdfandqwerty]

Feeling quite empty in the stomach and keep thinking about eating a small piece of bread, but I know I should be rigorous about fasting if I want this to work.

 

[Riddle]

Do what you feel is the right thing to do. It's your life only and your final hours. Maybe you wake up and come to a different conclusion. Sleep can make us feel so much better.

Yea I definitely think sleeping is a good idea. For one you won't be tempted to eat, you also won't be thinking about your impending doom, and you get to have that feeling where you wake up and realize you don't have to get up so you can pull the covers back over your shoulders and nod off for a little longer

Plus, as miserable said above you might wake up in a different mindset

 

[elbjr]

I know everyone's experience is different. But I thought I'd share mine. I used to have insomnia really bad. I wanted to die so urgently, it felt like walking around with full bowels needing to take a shit. So much so that it didn't even feel suicidal. They say sleep is the imperfect death, and death the perfect sleep. Me wanting to die was an extension of me wanting to sleep. I didn't see it that way back then. I did manage to get past this stage in my life. Anxiety, sleeplessness, aversion and rumination constantly fed into each other making my inner world a living hell.

One day I ran into a book called the mindfulness way through depression. I found the audiobook and started listening to it at night when I wanted to go to sleep. I basically converted my insomnia time to reading/listening time. Interestingly enough, I learned how I was creating my own condition with my own thoughts. At least how I was making it worse and sustaining it. The book explained how not to do this. I used to laugh at these things. But the book was written as if it was a story about me. The first night I lay down with the audiobook I managed to get through almost 3 hours of it. If I remember correctly it was five hours in total. The next day I could only get through about 45 minutes. Every day I listen to the audiobook, the shorter my listening time got.

By the end of it I was humble enough to try the included guided mindfulness meditation. The meditation lasts about 30 minutes. If I remember correctly I got through it a few days, but even that started to shorten day by day. I found myself not getting through five minutes of it before falling asleep.

A month later I look back on my life and startled inside, as if I was looking down from a tall building. I could perceive the difference between the person I became and the person I was a month ago. It didn't change my condition. I live with extremely intrusive hallucinations. Parts of my brain responsible for processing site are intertwined with other parts of my brain causing Points of light, flashes and blotches to manifest in my vision. Even with eyes closed. It's constant stress. None of this changed, but I changed. This whole process took a lot of weight off of this even though it's still plagues me till today. Like a constant torture.

I lost that feeling of having to take a shit. But I also lost appreciation for life in the process. But I'm not gonna lie, I am glad I didn't do it back then. My life took a turn shortly after that would become some of the most beautiful memories I've ever had. Even though they didn't last. I consider myself extremely fortunate and privileged to have been allowed to experience that short time of bliss. Although I still do have days where I find it hard to fall asleep, insomnia as a condition never came back.

 

[asdfandqwerty]

I know everyone's experience is different. But I thought I'd share mine. I used to have insomnia really bad. I wanted to die so urgently, it felt like walking around with full bowels needing to take a shit. So much so that it didn't even feel suicidal. They say sleep is the imperfect death, and death the perfect sleep. Me wanting to die was an extension of me wanting to sleep. I didn't see it that way back then. I did manage to get past this stage in my life. Anxiety, sleeplessness, aversion and rumination constantly fed into each other making my inner world a living hell.

One day I ran into a book called the mindfulness way through depression. I found the audiobook and started listening to it at night when I wanted to go to sleep. I basically converted my insomnia time to reading/listening time. Interestingly enough, I learned how I was creating my own condition with my own thoughts. At least how I was making it worse and sustaining it. The book explained how not to do this. I used to laugh at these things. But the book was written as if it was a story about me. The first night I lay down with the audiobook I managed to get through almost 3 hours of it. If I remember correctly it was five hours in total. The next day I could only get through about 45 minutes. Every day I listen to the audiobook, the shorter my listening time got.

By the end of it I was humble enough to try the included guided mindfulness meditation. The meditation lasts about 30 minutes. If I remember correctly I got through it a few days, but even that started to shorten day by day. I found myself not getting through five minutes of it before falling asleep.

A month later I look back on my life and startled inside, as if I was looking down from a tall building. I could perceive the difference between the person I became and the person I was a month ago. It didn't change my condition. I live with extremely intrusive hallucinations. Parts of my brain responsible for processing site are intertwined with other parts of my brain causing Points of light, flashes and blotches to manifest in my vision. Even with eyes closed. It's constant stress. None of this changed, but I changed. This whole process took a lot of weight off of this even though it's still plagues me till today. Like a constant torture.

I lost that feeling of having to take a shit. But I also lost appreciation for life in the process. But I'm not gonna lie, I am glad I didn't do it back then. My life took a turn shortly after that would become some of the most beautiful memories I've ever had. Even though they didn't last. I consider myself extremely fortunate and privileged to have been allowed to experience that short time of bliss. Although I still do have days where I find it hard to fall asleep, insomnia as a condition never came back.

I've only had insomnia for the past few days, which I now figure was caused by my body's alarmed state knowing what I'm about to do soon. Lately I've managed to stay calm enough to allow myself to sleep at least a little bit.
I'm happy to hear you've gotten through such an insanely difficult position, friend. I wish I could be as lucky as you.

 

[waitingforrest]

I hope all goes okay, you must be feeling so horrible because of the insomnia. Hopefully you are able to rest a bit. It must be hard to deal with alone.

 

[asdfandqwerty]

I hope all goes okay, you must be feeling so horrible because of the insomnia. Hopefully you are able to rest a bit. It must be hard to deal with alone.

All my life I have been dealing with all my problems all alone. When I thought someone could help share that weight, it ended up harming them. My pain and I have always innately been a safety hazard to others.
I do have this site, though, and the people here are exceedingly compassionate. I am glad to have one single place where I can comfortably post about my issues. Thank you for the good wishes.